Driving Miss Lazy

As you all know, Grandma drinks a lot so I’m most often a designated driver. She also can’t see over the steering wheel unless she’s sitting on 4 phone books so this also is a detriment. Grandma loves playing tricks on just about anyone that crosses her path. They’re not mean tricks mind you, but they’re somewhat evil tricks nonetheless. For example, Monday I had to pick her up from our local school playground. She was getting a little rough with the children playing there and it was my job to break it up. What’d she do? Well, she enjoys drinking about a liter of vodka while feeding the pigeons that haunt the location. About half way through the bottle she gets a little rowdy. I had received a phone call from a stranger who happened to grab Grandma’s cellphone that had fallen out of her pants. Apparently, she was cussing at any school children who wouldn’t challenge her on the teeter totter (the majority of children these days outweigh my grandmother and of course, she gets offended by this). When I had arrived at the playground, she had one child in a headlock and was kicking another child who was on the ground playing with his toys. A half hour later I had her in the backseat, tied down with two different sets of seat belts (she never goes quietly). As we drove off she asked that we go to the local church for her to pray for her evil ways. I obliged but, not knowing the area, asked that she give me directions. Having full faith in my dear sweet grandmother I listened to her every order. Twenty minutes later I started to believe that she had no clue where this church was. “Shut up and listen to me, you asshole” she yelled from the backseat. “I’m your grandmother…would I lie to you? Now keep going, were almost there”. By the time she asked me to make a right turn I knew exactly where we were headed. “Dammit all to hell” she growled from behind me. “I guess their parents have picked them all up” she quietly whispered under her breath. “Ah well, I’ll see those little bastards Monday I guess. Take me to the liquor store, I’m outta vodka again”.

MotionX GPS Drive (iTunes) is a GPS navigation app that I (thankfully) found this past weekend. Why do I say “thankfully”? Because I was about to blow close to (or even over) a hundred dollars had I not been thrifty. I’ve always wanted a GPS navigation kit in my car but I just don’t wanna spend a lot of money on one (nor would I ever use it as I seldom leave my grandmother’s van). For three bucks I thought I’d take the leap and pick this app up. Honestly, I’m pretty impressed by all it has to offer. You get 30 days free to try out the voice option, after that I think it’s only a few dollars or maybe twenty five for a whole year. (I’m too lazy to check after typing that bastard of a paragraph above…I hope you at least were slightly amused). One problem I have is that you literally have to put in the address you’re looking for. With copy & paste this is easily remedied but I wish there was an easier way. So far, it’s taken me to my friend’s house and my office with useful directions and I got to see myself as a little triangle (in which I pretend I’m driving a spaceship amongst boring vehicles. Easily amused…I know). For three dollars it may save you the heartache of spending a weeks worth of groceries on one app so I’d say check it out.

AppAttack :D

Judo CHOP!

One more story about Muffins and then I’ll change the subject. Or will I? Hell, I could talk nonstop about Muffins and you’d probably love it. For all I know you’re some crazy cat lady that only visits this site because I mention Muffins every now and then. You may sure as hell not even own an iPhone. Alright…I know, I know, I know. You found this website by accident and are actually shocked that you made it this far along reading this paragraph. Still there? Welcome! Now here’s my story…and it’s actually true (but you think all of these stories are true? Riiight ;) ). Muffins is the first cat I’ve ever owned. I’ll save you my childhood melodramatics and simply say, we weren’t allowed anything with hair growing up. So, like anyone else, I was ecstatic to own a cat when grandma said I could keep him. Cats are amazing creatures. They’re completely aware of their surroundings almost at all times. A fun game I’ve been playing since Muffins was a tiny kitten is to actually sneak up on him. What’s the score? Zero to 546. I have yet to properly scare the bejesus out of Muffins but I try almost every day. Just ONE time, I’d absolutely love to make him jump a mile in the air. He’d most likely just turn around, jump on my face and claw my eyes out of their sockets (because he can) so it’s probably best I haven’t won yet.

Silent Swords (iTunes) is a game I keep kicking myself in the nutz for not telling you about. I’ve had it on my Touch since probably the day it came out. You’re simply a little round headed ninja that has to kill a handful of guards to open a door and advance to the next level. Sounds easy, right? I’ve been stuck on the above level (see picture) for quite some time. I know what to do, I just can’t do it. I’m one of those kinds of players that gives up fairly easily, crying to my grandma until she soothes me with her “magic water” (I know it’s not magical water…it’s vodka. But hell, it’s a free shot and it makes me feel better about being such a pathetic gamer). Silent Swords ramps up in difficulty rather quickly and the controls do take some getting use to but I love stealth games. It’s a little like being Sam Fisher with a sword (for all my nerdy game players in the house. Hollaaa!!).

AppAttack :D

Radio Flyer Wagons

A long long time ago, I mentioned to you how I don’t have modern radio. Well, I have radio- it’s just from the year 1938 so it gets old rather quickly. You’re probably saying to yourself, what does he do and how could he possibly live without radio?! To put your mind at ease I’ll let you in on a little secret. You see, Muffins talks in his sleep. The veterinarian said it’s nothing unusual and I shouldn’t worry, so I’m OK with it. Yeah it gets a little annoying when I’ve had too much coffee and can’t sleep but for the most part, I don’t mind at all. The other day I realized I could actually use Muffin’s midnight chattering to my advantage. So for the past week and a half I’ve been setting a tape recorder next to Muffin’s pillow at night. Now when I’m out driving in my van I actually have something to listen to! I just pop the tape in my tape deck and cruise down the street. My friends don’t necessarily like it and I actually got stabbed once by a hitchhiker I picked up off of Route 38. He was telling me how gas prices have gone up and that he lost his job, yet, I’m the crazy one for listening to my cat’s meowing in his sleep. Crazy bastard.

Woxy Radio (iTunes) is flip flappin’ fantastic (say whaaaa?!). It’s basically internet radio on your iPhone/iPod Touch. Yeah…I don’t give a rats ass, you say? Well, I’ve seldom come across a song I didn’t like on Woxy. They play songs you may or may not have heard before and that’s what makes this app so damn cool. I’ve learned there are almost a thousand bands better than the Jonas Brothers. That’s right, just like you, I thought only the Jonas Brothers were the only good band left*. Until I gave Woxy a good try and believe you me…it’s true. The fact that most of the bands they play aren’t even on your regular radio station makes this app worth trying. It’s free so DO IT!

AppAttack :D

*For the record, I never have nor ever will like the Jonas Brothers.

All My Ex’s Live…Somewhere Else

My X Girlfriend (sadly, I can’t say iTunes because this app comes and goes depending on what mood Apple is in at the moment) was/is(?) an application in which you can send in pictures of your ex-girlfriend. The majority of what I’ve seen are fairly raunchy but not anything too nasty like you’d find with the Internet app (*cough*cough*). For example:

Not too bad, eh? I will warn you and say some are actually pretty racy but what do you expect with an application solely designed to embarrass your ex? My one and only complaint I have with this app is that the developers refuse to publish pictures I’ve sent in of my ex-girlfriend. For example, they sent me an email saying, “Dear Sir. We will not publish a picture of a chair but thank you.” Or another one I sent where my girl was in the shower and looking pretty damn hot along with another one where she was shaving her legs, the idiots replied, “Dear Sir. Why did you take a picture of a running shower? And why fill up your bathtub with no one in it?”. Stupid morons. This one picture I have of my ex was taken just after we “got busy”…it was HOT! Again, the numb nuts replied to my email with, “Dear Sir. Your bedroom looks awfully clean. We’re glad you know how to make your bed”. You know, come to think of it…I’ve never had a girlfriend. Hmm.

AppAttack :D

Price Check On Isle 3

RedLaser (iTunes) is flip flappin’ fantastic. Flip flappin’ fantastic? Yes! Flip flappin’ fantastic. Go ahead and use this phrase whenever you’re around your buddies. I heard some kids saying it the other day at Target so it’s one of those “up and coming” cool phrases that everyone’s going to be using soon. Kind of like the word “sick”. You heard it here first folks. RedLaser is simply an application that allows you to scan barcodes and get different prices from the internet on products. I have an iPhone 3GS and it works incredibly flip flappin’ fantastically well. My only problem is that it doesn’t necessarily work with my old iPhone (1st generation) that I gave to my grandma. I guess it’s not really a problem but it’s certainly a small complaint my grandmother has with the application. Usually around the middle of the month I get an allowance from grandma for being such a sweet grandson (i.e. picking up empty vodka bottles, putting out unsmoked cigarettes and making sure she has a blanket when and wherever she decides to pass out). The only catch is that I have to walk to the local liquor store and buy her a box of vodka (basically, I get to keep the change. Sucks, yeah, but it’s money). Me being a boy genius, I try to find the best, cheapest deal of vodka so that I have more money to spend on Pork-N-Beans. Well, grandma has wised up to my creative ways and now she scans the barcodes to see how much of a deal I made. Whenever she catches me buying the super cheap stuff I have to dress up like a monkey and play spoons at her weekly bridge party. Sucks.

AppAttack :D

Brian Owes Me Money

I’m sure you guys remember me saying that I’m not much of a sports fan? Well, I’ve decided that I need to be one in order to fulfill my destiny of owning a penis. Am I right? As a male, I think doing “manly” things like watching sports is something that is a necessity and not something to merely pass the time. I’ve mentioned this to my friends and I guess they take me for a complete and total idiot. You see, the other day my friend Brian and I were chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool and shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school hanging out. We both have the same iPhone’s with the same cases so one could very easily mistaken them for their own. I don’t really believe this, but it could happen. Anyways, Brian mistakenly downloaded two applications on my phone, believing he was doing so on his own phone.

Break The Book (iTunes) is a pretty sweet app that lets you place bets on professional sports games. You can bet on the Spread, Over/Under and the Money Line. Michael, please explain all of this you demand. HELL NO! This means absolutely nothing to me. I’ve never been a big sports fan much less bet on any games. But because I never say no to danger put my phone down for less than 5 minutes, I thought I’d give it a shot. And I ended up having horrible luck on the games I bet on but, I did end up winning one out of pure coincidence.

I tried using all of the little numbers the app provides and just “going with it” and I would have won enough money to supply grandma with a weeks worth of vodka…had I actually placed a bet. I’m gonna give it a shot again this weekend and hopefully, I’ll figure it all out. It’s fun to place bets and make invisible wages if you consider yourself easily amused like I do, so you may wanna give it a shot.

Another app my dear friend Brian took upon himself to download on my phone was ESPN Radio (iTunes). It does what it’s name implies…plays sports radio broadcasts. To me, again, this is useless. But to some, it may be pure gold. If I was an avid sports fan and wanted to listen to a game I can’t get in my neighborhood, this application is perfect. I’ve even found that I enjoy hearing what them “big city folk” are listening to. You see, in my neck of the woods, we only get broadcasts from 1938. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to pry a shotgun from my dear sweet grandmother’s hands each time The War of The Worlds is broadcasted. I can have a perfect day at work doing Kate Beckinsale’s gardening only to come home to my grandmother standing on the kitchen table, shotgun in hand with a metal pot almost covering her entire face ordering me to “pray to whatever tentacle alien god” I believe in to “save me from the venomous wrath of her 3rd arm of destruction” (I assume she means her shotgun when she says this. I’ve asked her sober and she just mumbles something about spaghetti and why Nascar reminds her of Halloween. I don’t know.). If you like sports or are simply tired of listening to the same crap on the radio, check it out.

AppAttack :D


Hey dudes and dudettes!! How’s it hangin’ (or hiding…whichever you choose. Or choose not to accept, Timothy. You were born a boy so ADMIT IT, DAMMIT! Don’t make Thanksgiving suck like you did last year you little prick). I’m sorry. Sometimes I spill my family sorrows on this website and I don’t mean to. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that there will be some fun changes coming to this website in the very near future. Don’t get too excited and wet yourself (Timothy) but I think you’ll like what I’m cooking. Until then, how about a review?

I found the above photo in an app called Astronomy Picture of the Day (iTunes). If I have to explain that to you, you’re a complete idiot and I ask that you leave this site at once. And don’t forget your shoes…they smell funny and I don’t like them. What’s great about the above picture is that it’s as if the Cosmos is giving you the finger. As if to say, “Hey check this shit out with your little telescopes you silly impotent human. HA HA HAAA!!!”. The app is free so be sure and grab it if you like feeling small and inferior. Some of the photographs are truly stunning.

AppAttack :D

You’ll Go Blind

Applications are no different than masturbation. We all do it, but we seldom share the fact. Sure, it’s fun to joke about or laugh at when seen in a movie or to hear a friend’s personal story. But when it comes down to it (no pun intended…wait, this is my site so I CAN have a pun intended so take it. Yeah, that’s right, take it. Who’s your daddy? whoah whoah WHOAH!!! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get off (dammit…did it again) on a tangent. But my point is, all of us download applications to our phone and we seldom show our friends. Maybe for a minute or two, but in all honesty, we want our phones back from their greasy little vasoline covered digits because we know, in our heart of hearts, we know they’re gonna drop the damn thing and bring our world to an end.

When I found out Redwind Software had created a music trivia game I was about as excited as you were the first time you saw a Playboy. As you know (because you’re faithful to this site which sits lovingly in your bookmark folder) I was a big fan of their Movie Challenge (iTunes) game. It was perfect for parties and definitely great to pass around while killing time at a friend’s house. (On a side note, I admire how the developers consistently updated Movie Challenge. It was their “baby” and they treated it with a whole bunch of love. I tip my hat to you, Redwind Software). Music Challenge (iTunes) is just as great, if not better than Movie Challenge. What makes you say that? And why are you talking about masturbation? you ask. I’ll answer the former.

Music Challenge gives you the opportunity to use your own music as trivia questions. The first time you see the game ask you about Starflyer 59 (the absolute best rock band…EVER) you’ll pass out in line at the grocery store. I know I did. You must have a fairly large library in order for this to work but when it does, it’s fricken sweet. I also like how the difficulty of the game changes with each round. One round (as seen above) I couldn’t get one answer right, another round I was like John Cusack in High Fidelity. The overall variety of the game is what it makes it an instant download in my opinion. For long distant car rides, this game would be perfect to keep you busy. And I’ll say it again, if you’re a socialite like me who attends wine tasting parties each night of the week (it’s hard living in Hollywood) then this is a great party app. Friends of all ages can play it (unless you have the absolute shittiest taste in music, in which your iPhone/iPod Touch should be dropped. Yeah, I said it). If you enjoyed Movie Challenge or just trivia games in general, be sure to pick up Music Challenge too. For now, I’m gonna go look up some “stuff” on the internet before Grandma gets back from happy hour.

AppAttack :D

Man in the Mirror

I get asked possibly 1 & 1/2 times a year, “Michael, WHAT do you look like? With such literary genius and comical prose, you MUST be the best looking man in the entire world? Is this true?”. Honestly, I don’t think I’m too ugly. I was in fact voted “Best Looking Grandson” at our 2003 family reunion AND to this day Grandma tells me I’m “the most handsome boy she’s ever known despite what the ladies at the hair salon say”. So, yeah I’m not too ugly I guess. So that my Inbox doesn’t get flooded like the summer of 2006 I thought I’d post a picture of me for you all to see. It’s a simple snapshot of the one I use for my Twitter account.

What do you think? I’ll admit, it was done by a professional photographer down in Austin, Texas. Me and my brother decided to have our picture taken at a party and this was our “serious” pose. I actually know how to smile I just decided not to moments before this photo was taken. Yes, denim jackets are no longer in style so don’t even try to email me about it (Kathy, you stupid asshole). Ahh, whom I kidding? The above picture was photoshopped to death. Here’s an honest picture of what I look like (NSFW):

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If you’re like me (and about half of the world’s population) you find sites that add stupid captions to stupid pictures…stupid. It’s not that they’re not trying, it’s just that they’re not trying. They aren’t funny or cute and I downright can’t stand’em. Maybe I have a thing against other people’s pets or maybe I just hate illiterate bastards (“But Michael…I just read a dozen of your posts and you have the worst grammar I’ve ever seen. Haven’t you heard of Spell Check you moron?” I know, I know…STFU). What’s “cute” in your head doesn’t translate in the real world so don’t even try. For example:

The above is a photograph I took of Muffins last summer (with my iPhone 3G by the way…not bad, huh?). Maybe one or two of you found this “cute” or funny in that stupid way I talked about earlier. The rest of you would like to punch my face in. I understand. Now, let me try it again…

Better? Of course it is! Because I’m not trying to sound like a elementary student on crack. “STFU and get to the review” you say? Alright, I was able to make the above pic with an application called, iLOLZ (iTunes). The real beauty about this application is that I can put WHAT I WANT for a caption. And the possibilities are endless…it doesn’t always have to be about your stupid pet. In fact, I’ve got a bachelor party this weekend I have to go to and believe me, my friends will be embarrassed the proper way on Facebook* ;) If you’re looking for a fun, photo annotator to charm your girlfriend, impress your grandmother or shame your friends for the lousy sons of bitches they truly are, pick up iLOLZ.

AppAttack :D

*Version 1.1 now supports landscape mode so the naughty pictures I plan to take of strippers on stage should go swimmingly this weekend.

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