Man in the Mirror

I get asked possibly 1 & 1/2 times a year, “Michael, WHAT do you look like? With such literary genius and comical prose, you MUST be the best looking man in the entire world? Is this true?”. Honestly, I don’t think I’m too ugly. I was in fact voted “Best Looking Grandson” at our 2003 family reunion AND to this day Grandma tells me I’m “the most handsome boy she’s ever known despite what the ladies at the hair salon say”. So, yeah I’m not too ugly I guess. So that my Inbox doesn’t get flooded like the summer of 2006 I thought I’d post a picture of me for you all to see. It’s a simple snapshot of the one I use for my Twitter account.

What do you think? I’ll admit, it was done by a professional photographer down in Austin, Texas. Me and my brother decided to have our picture taken at a party and this was our “serious” pose. I actually know how to smile I just decided not to moments before this photo was taken. Yes, denim jackets are no longer in style so don’t even try to email me about it (Kathy, you stupid asshole). Ahh, whom I kidding? The above picture was photoshopped to death. Here’s an honest picture of what I look like (NSFW):

Kinda rough, huh? The scar you see was from Grandma the other night. She wanted to stand on her head on top of the kitchen table just to see if she could do it like the old days. By the time I got across all the empty vodka bottles on the floor she fell and her 6 inch heel caught me on the side of the face. My smile? Yeah, that’s why I don’t smile. To make myself feel better I decided to get a blue contact (I don’t need two because you never really see the other eye…it always drifts to the back). The cut on my nose is from Muffins. One night I really had to pee so instead of walking all the way to the house I decided to use Muffin’s litter box. Because it was so dark I didn’t see that Muffins was using it at the moment and he lashed out at me as soon as I stuck my head in the hole. (Next time I’ll bring a flashlight LOL!).

OK, before I lose any of my female readers, I admit I’m making all of this shit up. I actually created the image you see above using Zombie Me (iTunes). It’s chockfull of different facial features and creepy effects. What makes the application so great is how well you can resize the given features. From really tiny to really big you’ll have no problem recreating one of your friends into a zombie. And though it’s aimed at being a “zombie” app, I see no problem of simply making your ugly friends even uglier. Sure it’s great for Halloween coming up but I say it’s not a seasonal app…turn your entire family into the ugly bastards they are ANY day of the year! I’ve recreated my friends on Facebook into some pretty nasty looking sons of bitches and they loved it. Zombie Me is free for now so grab it before the price goes up (and when it does go up don’t come back here bitching to me. Just send me a picture of you and your family so I can feel better about myself). For now, I’m going to WalMart to see if they have any Human costumes this year for Halloween. That way I can at least leave my van and buy some tacos without having rocks thrown at me.

AppAttack :D

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