Thank You For Calling


Spring is beginning to poke it’s large, flower fragranced head around and it makes me feel warm inside. With my new job I tend to travel a lot so with pleasant weather, comes safe travels. I love the spring time.

What new job, you ask? Well, for legal reason I can’t necessarily name names, but I can tell you what I do. Simply put, I travel from business to business, visiting tech support phone opperators nation (and on few occasions world) wide. It’s my job to make sure they sound as boring/disgruntled on the phone as humanly possible. For example, say you call your internet service provider to complain about how slow your porn videos are downloading. If (let’s say his name is “Jason”), if Jason responds with a friendly laugh and then kindly explains the situation, it’s my job to change his tone. At this point, I would either whisper in Jason’s ear that his nose is so big, it’s about to walk off of his face or something with less strength like, fart in his coffee. Let’s face it, most people’s mood can be changed in two seconds flat (you can’t tell me you weren’t somewhat sad when “JoeDipshit” stopped following you on Twitter? Right?). We are all sensitive people, as Marvin Gaye once sang. My job is practically a walk in the park and I love it, for the most part. Like everyone else, I do in fact have bad days as well.

Last Tuesday was a classic example of a “bad day at the office” for me. Roger (from cubicle #107) had recently received a promotion from the company last week after returning home from his honeymoon in Hawaii. He and his former ex-wife Debra had decided to get back together after a nasty divorce in ’96. “Thank you for calling _______. How may I assist you?”, I heard from across the room. “I’m having a fantastic day! How are you doing?”, Roger said enthusiastically. A small green light went off on my desk. This is my boss’s way of calling me into action. I grabbed my coffee cup and quickly made my way to Roger’s cubicle. “Our company lives for wonderful people like yourself, ma’am” Roger spoke into his phone, ignoring my presence. “Well, thank you for being so sweet!” he told the woman over the phone. A compliment is a bad thing in my line of work. It’s like an injection of confidence that makes my job even harder. “Your son throws like a girl”, I whispered into Roger’s ear. His son, Jeffrey, had lost both of his arms in a McDonald’s playground accident when he was in 5th grade. “Oh honey, it’s no problem for me whatsoever! I’ll get ya fixed up no time!”, Roger promised the woman. Damn. I could see this was going to be difficult. I quickly grabbed a framed photograph he had of Debra from his desk and lustfully began licking it. Nothing. Roger reached for a pencil to take down some information from his customer. I took the pencil and broke it in two. Nothing. With a small sigh, he shook the mouse to his computer and began typing down whatever the woman was saying. “Ma’am, your family sounds like the happiest family I’ve ever heard of. I wish I lived with you, but I can’t tell you how much I adore my wife”, Roger said, laughing into his tiny mouthpiece. I was beginning to get desperate. I knew my boss was watching. If Roger continued talking to this woman in the happy, friendly little voice he was currently speaking in, I’d lose my job. I couldn’t afford to lose it…I’m saving whatever money I can for a fish tank that would house a tiger shark. Grandma’s gonna be so proud of me. From the corner of my eye I saw a small light flashing. Roger had left his Blackberry carelessly on a stack of papers, next to his coveted Star Wars action figure collection. With cat like reflexes, I picked up his phone and began looking through his phonebook. YES! I found his daughter Samantha’s phone number. I wrote a text message to Samantha saying, “Honey…you were adopted. We’ll talk about it over dinner” and forcefully shoved the phone in Roger’s face. He looked up at me with his bulbous round eyes and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “I don’t care”. I hit Send. Within seconds Samantha replied. “LOL! Daddy! I KNOW. We talked about this YEARS ago!! Stop being silly!! I <3 U!!!!”. Sonofabitch!!! Roger was minutes away from wrapping up an entire phone call in one of the most pleasant tones ANYONE in the entire office has ever done. His courteous tone was becoming infectious as Gerald (from cubicle #113) let a gentle laugh escape from his nose. And then it hit me. Like a wave of water splashing you at a bus stop, from out of nowhere an idea came to me. I turned my back to Roger and began searching my nasal cavity like Indiana Jones. About one minute later I found what I was looking for, a booger the size of my pinky nail. With confidence I turned to face Roger. A look of terror had replaced the kind smirk that once sat on his face. Deep down inside I felt my heart begin to race as I finally found a crack in Roger’s wall of defense. I stepped forward gracefully as if I was a man soon to become a knight. With one long, gentle swipe, I placed the booger on Roger’s computer monitor. Disgust and confusion replaced his roommates of joy and happiness. I had won. No longer did I hear the voice of merriment in his tone. I had genuinely pissed Roger off.

If communicating online is your cup of tea, I’d highly recommend you pick up BeejiveIm. It’s been out for quite sometime but I’ve never used it until recently. You see, all of my friends (hey Gary!) no longer use AOL IM or any of the “older” IM clients. They’re all on Facebook. Now that BeejiveIM has added Facebook capabilities I find it worthy of leaving on my iPhone. But Michael, 16 bucks is a lot of fucking money that I really don’t wanna fork over just to chat up with that hot chick in my Art class?! I KNOW! That’s why I recommend you keep an eye on it for price drops. I nabbed it when it was around ten bucks, as the developers of the IM app seem to have sporadic sales every now and then. Sixteen dollars seems way too pricey IMHO, so just be patient and wait for the price to drop like it’s hot….whatever that means. Because I’m a nice guy I’ll also keep an eye out for any price reduction. If I happen to catch one, I’ll reply to this post so look for that cute little red dot with a “1″ here (if you’re reading this from your iPhone). Hope you had a fantastic weekend!!


AppAttack :D  

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