To Tweet Or…Screw Your Sister


“Not To Tweet” doesn’t apply here, folks. Tweeting is my most recent obsession (besides shaving Vanilla Ice like designs on squirrels heads) and it should be yours as well. I often receive emails saying, “Michael, I wake up covered in goo sometimes during the night. Is something wrong with me?”. I also get a few emails telling me, “What up homeslice?! I tried Twitter and that shit is lame. I’ll no longer be following whatever the hell you’re doing but I’ll definitely be reading your site, where I can find all the latest news regarding all things app related!” (yes, I added a little to it, but hey, sometimes lying makes you feel better about yourself). Many people try to tweet and then abandon it altogether. SO, I’ve decided to offer some advice for those new to the world of Twitter.



Ya gotta start somewhere, so click here. It’ll lead you to Twitter’s homepage. Come up with a cool name for yourself like PenguinJocky69 or be bold and use your actual name. I personally have two accounts, one for keeping close to friends I know personally and ones I’ve met through the internet; and another account to talk about “all things app related”. Most likely if you’re reading this, you’re following my iPhoneAppAttack account. Secondly, you’ll need to choose a picture to represent yourself (I would like to have a cool little logo to represent this site but I’m too lazy to come up with one). Many people are too shy to show themselves which is perfectly fine. My only suggestion is that you don’t change your profile picture every 4 hours/day etc. People on Twitter remember what you say or who you are by associating whatever image you’ve picked for yourself. I’ve been guilty of not Following someone because I didn’t recognize that they changed their profile pic. (That being said, don’t be hurt when you lose Followers. I use to take it personally but then I realized, if they don’t wanna hear what I have to say, I don’t wanna hear what they have to say. It’s similar to walking away from someone at a bar when they start rambling or calling your mother a filthy whore. Also realize that just because you’re Following someone, they may nor may not Follow you in return. But if you like what they’re tweeting, follow’em. When you first start tweeting, just tweet away. It doesn’t necessarily have to be “What are your doing?”. If you love cheese and want the world to hear it, simply write “I LOVE CHEESE!!!”. Don’t be shy. The more you tweet the more people see what you’re saying. If someone agrees that cheese is indeed delicious, they’ll choose to follow you. At this point they may say, “@PenguinJocky59 I love cheese too! OMG!”. You can either sit and smile, knowing someone heard your tweet OR you can reply to them by saying “@BaconTits45 Awesome! Swiss is my fav…what’s your’s?” which basically starts a two way conversation the entire world can see. Keep in mind that if you’re both following each other, then they’re more likely to hear you. If you tweet “@” someone depending on how many people are following them, they may not hear you. Example: @HotWhoreMomma may have 14,568 followers. Most likely this person receives THOUSANDS of tweets a day and most likely will not reply to you. On the other hand, @PencilsRCool may have 4 followers so as sure as you have two nipples, this person will hear you. I started off using twitter as a way to tell people (you) reading my posts that I have updated my site, check it out. Slowly but surely, people began hearing me and started following me. Getting followers takes a little time for some people. This is the point most people, I believe, give up on Twitter altogether. Hold tight and keep the faith my friend! Think about what you’re tweeting. Are you boring? Do you talk nonstop about shampooing your grandmother’s hair? Do retweet other people’s tweets and never show us your personal side? (I’ll try not to offend anyone here, but I really don’t like following people that post whatever shit website article they find. Or the one’s that tweet “news”. If I’m reading tweets, I’m most likely in front of a computer and have access to whatever news I’m interested in. Thank you). It’s also important not to start following someone because they’ve started following you. Read their tweets, wait a few days and see if they still are interested in you, THEN follow’em. For some, Twitter is a popularity contest. They want the most followers and they don’t give a shit about who they follow to get there. I get annoyed by this…you have 123,933 followers and you expect me to follow YOU?! As if you’re really listening to what I’m saying. Go suck an’ egg!!! (-taken from the colorfully comical movie Dick Tracy). While I’m being grumpy…I also hate people that use Twitter to promote “get rich quick” schemes. They’re easy to spot, having an image of a semi-hot girl with a website that says something like, “I made millions selling braces for dogs. Check it out!”. SO annoying. Because I’m somewhat slow and easily distracted, I forgot to tell you that I do all of this via Tweetie. It’s my personal favorite Twitter application and incredibly easy to use. Maybe once a week do I actually go to the Twitter website. Pick up the app if you haven’t already and this entire post will probably make more sense.



*Special Note From Me: I’ve decided to post this article because it took a week to write. On and off, I would add/subtract what I wanted to get across to you. Basically, if you’re an English major, this article will help you a great deal in how NOT to write. If, on the other hand, you’re a medical student studying the human brain, this will help you too. You’ll see the inner workings of a person with the attention span of a grasshopper. All in all, if you’re new to Twitter, I hope I helped you in some way. Good luck!

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