Yesterday I found a Valentine card from my niece Caroline (2nd grader at Oswalt Elementary) on my grandma’s recliner in the front yard. I’d like to scan it and show it to you but unfortunately, Muffins pissed all over my scanner Monday when the mailman rang the doorbell.

Most people say “it’s the thought that counts” when one receives a gift of any kind. Well, Caroline sweetheart, you spent too much. It’s basically a red piece of construction paper folded in half. On the front reads, “To: Michael From: Caroline”…at least that’s what you’re brain perceives the message to say. To a person above a monkey’s level of intelligence it actually reads, “To: Micel Frum: Carlne”. And to make it even more difficult, it’s written with a crayon a shade lighter than the red paper it was written on. I literally had to hold the card at a peculiar angle against a lamp to figure out what it actually said. Across the entire front part of the card is pink glitter. No one in their right mind enjoys glitter. As soon as I picked the card up I was screwed. I had glitter in my nose, on my lips and even on my penis. Everything I touched after I picked up Caroline’s card had glitter on it. Along with the parasitic glitter, Caroline glued candy hearts to the card. At least the candy hearts had better writing on them compared to my niece’s obvious illiteracy. (They tasted awful I might add…glue & candy have never mixed properly in my opinion). Once you open the card there’s what appears to be a crudely drawn, Godzilla-like woman/child with a practically unreadable expression on it’s face. The head is a rather large circle and it’s body is merely a few lines of crayon. Next to the woman/child monster is what I assume to be a doll house or maybe the intentions of Caroline were to draw a house for the woman/child, she was just too loaded on Kool Aid to draw properly….I don’t know. Surrounding the house are two massively disproportionate mutant flowers with eyes and lips. What on earth goes through your head Caroline?! To the left of the giant circular head is what must be the Sun. It too (for some reason) has a face, as if it was some living object that could say something to anyone that asks it a question. To the right is what my guess is a cloud. And on this cloud are the words “I (and then a horribly inaccurate drawing of a heart) MICHEL”. I’m still Googling trying to decipher what this little riddle means…when I find out I’ll let ya know. When you close the card, on the back you’ll see random scribbles of crayon in indistinct patterns. What comes first to my mind, is that Caroline’s intentions were to originally start her “masterpiece” of art here but probably got distracted. I assume some kid wet his pants in class and she joined in the name calling. All in all it’s not a bad looking card, I guess. For now, I’ve decided to hang it on Grandma’s fridge to remind Caroline how bad of an artist she is and that maybe working at McDonald’s will be a better option in her future. Time will tell.

Alright, I’m not really that harsh of a critic nor am I an uncle (that I know of). What I do know is that I enjoy artists who have translated their work to the iPhone. I like the fact that you’re looking at hand drawn art and not something that was completely created on a computer. It adds more of a “human” element to an application. I’ve spoken before about R. Cloud Software and fortunately, they’ve released another app that has that “human” touch I enjoy. With Create A Valentine, you’re given the option to mix and match heart shapes along with different backgrounds to create a quick little Valentine to whomever you love in your life. (Kudos to the developer for mentioning Mom in their description…almost every year I forget. I know…I’m an ass). You’re then given the option to email your created Valentine to whoever you want (I’d send one to Caroline but she can’t work a crayon much less a keyboard). For free and for fun, this has been my favorite Valentine Card application. I plan to send Valentine’s to all my friends saying the most random crap I can think of just to mess with’em. You don’t necessarily have to be in a relationship to send Valentine cards…remember this.

AppAttack

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