Flower

Doll House

 

Now that I’m a young, hip bachelor, I have to say that the single life hasn’t been too bad so far. Sure, it’s a different pace of life than I’m use to but I can’t say I don’t like it. For example, here’s what an average day in my life looks like:

 

 

8:30am I generally start the morning off eating blueberry pancakes with Gwen Stefani, discussing how regular blonde people are poor compared to platinum blondes.

10:00am I play racquetball with Jennifer Love Hewitt. We always laugh about the fact that I get a boner the exact moment one of her breast falls out of her shirt. (Maybe a conspiracy, Jennifer?? LOL!)

12:45pm I always have a picnic lunch with Megan Fox at the local playground. After we share a Yoplait yogurt and Indian Leg wrestle for who gets to lick the top, we usually beat up the biggest kid we can find during recess.

2:00pm I use to walk Paris Hilton’s dog around the neighborhood this time but we’re not friends anymore. (As a joke I filmed her dog humping a teddy bear in Night Vision mode. She didn’t think it was funny).

3:18pm I make long distance calls to Monica Bellucci. She discovered I was single after reading my Facebook page and wants to know if we have a future together. I tell her every day that I have too much love to give her and that it’d be dangerous to her health for her to receive said love. She never listens.

4:00pm Kate Beckinsale meets me at the local furniture store and we take a nap together in the display bed. I’ll always wake up with her biting my neck. Along with snoring, she can’t seem to break the habit.

5:30pm Happy hour with Carrie Underwood at our local country western bar. She’ll pretend to have this “redneck” accent and everyone in the bar laughs at her jokes. Yesterday she told the bartender, “Didn’t I tell you I done want me a beer?! What is you, stupid? Now go on and fetch me that beer you dumb son of a bitch, piece of shit! I’d kill your entire family if I had more money!”. She’s so cute.

7:00pm Heidi Montag invites me to eat dinner at Taco Bell with her. I always agree to go then I remember who she is and back out. Grandma does the dirty work and calls her for me, always with the same excuse, “He’s got diarrhea in his asshole and can’t make it…maybe next time…CLICK”.

8:45pm Me and Lucy Liu head to Subway to split a footlong meatball sub and some chips (or cookies…just depends on how they look). Each and every time we sit down, I mistakenly make the comment that she has more freckles in person than on camera. We then proceed to eat our subs in silence with marinara sauce on our faces. 

9:10pm Isla Fisher

11:40pm My grandma sits quietly on my lap in the recliner, as I quietly rock her to sleep, watching the Andy Griffith Show. When she drops her vodka bottle I know it’s time to carry her to bed. 

…and that’s just a typical day in the life of the swinging bachelor knows as “Mr. AppAttack” around town. I can’t say it’s easy keeping up with such a schedule. But being single can be worth it if you put enough effort into it. I can also tell you that I’m making all of this shit up…in my head, I’m living the good life. In reality, I’m spending way too much time fantasizing about women I’ll never meet (unless they’re fans of this site, to which I say, “shoot me an email and we’ll have lunch! Burger King! On me!”). Just like the “fart applications” that made such a fuss recently, jiggling boobies would be my bet on the next odd fad in iTunes. iJiggles is another application that allows you to take pictures of women’s cleavage and make them move around for your buddies amusement. Personally, the “bounce” movement wasn’t too my liking…it just doesn’t seem natural. There seems to be a little more precision compared to other applications, but I just couldn’t get into it. I prefer Wobble. Are you hearing this?! I’m reviewing applications that involve bouncing cleavage?! I need a hug…being single sucks. :)

 

AppNapp :(    

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