As previously mentioned, I spent a few years back working at PetSmart. Removing strands of feces from goldfish anus isn’t the most pleasant memory I have working there, but I’ll never forget the day I met Alan, a white long-haired hamster with odd pink/red eyes. 

One evening after we had closed, I was making my way to aisle 11 to pick up some dog shit. From out of nowhere a tiny, quiet little voice said to me, “Hey! Mista…down here!!”. I stopped and looked around, assuming another child had been locked inside, hiding in the birdcage. ”No! Down HERE”, the voice continued. I looked down at my feet and there, among a dozen hyperactive hamsters, I saw Alan with two little paws against the aquarium. “I didn’t know you guys could talk?”, I questioned him as I lay my Pooper Scooper down. “Yeah everybody here talks…we just don’t do it often cuz, no offense, you humans are   
fucking annoying as hell”, he answered, tossing a piece of poop with his teeth. “No, I understand. What is it you were wanting?”. “I just wanted to let you know, the sunflower to grain ratio in this dish is very poor,” Alan said in his little voice, pointing to the small dish of seeds, “Is there any way you could fix this?”. “Yeah. Let me pick up the dog shit on aisle 11 and I’ll hook you up” I promised, gathering my Pooper Scooper. “Thanks. One more thing…could you please use soap when you wash the water dispenser? Tina,” he gestured to a gray and white hamster in the back of the aquarium, “well, she’s basically slept with every hamster in this cage. We all know she’s got something, we just don’t know what it is yet” Alan said scratching behind his ear. “Wow. Yeah I’ll make sure Brian cleans it really well this time. Hey…what’s it like living in there?” I asked. “It gets pretty tough, I’ll admit. You see Jack over there? He’s a jack-ass if ya know what I mean? Every damn time I get in the wheel to workout, he tries to climb to the top of it. I have to run like hell just to keep up! And his buddy Cal, that fat bastard over there near the corner of piss, he always goes underneath the wheel, messing up my pace. Getting a decent workout in this hell hole can be a real bitch sometimes”. I sat down on the floor as Alan curiously started digging in the cedar bedding. “Sorry…I do that for no damn reason sometimes. Another thing that drives me nuts is the damn kids! I’ve seen some ugly ass children in my day, lemme tell ya! Just two days ago I seen this fat, curly haired kid- hair as white as my fur coat- I shit you not. I was tryin’ to get some sleep and this fat lil’ bastard just kept tapping on the glass. I literally had to shove my face in my ass just to avoid him. And if that wasn’t enough, his ugly ass sister decided to join him with the tapping. You should have seen her…I thought she was his brother. Todd says he’s never seen an uglier girl. He literally stood on top of me as I was trying to sleep to get a better look at her. To this day he throws up seeds when we mention her, poor bastard” Alan laughed quietly to himself as a small tear formed in the corner of his eye. “Sounds like you’ve seen it all, my friend” I replied, “Let me get that shit picked up and I’ll bring you some more seeds”. “I appreciate it a lot, buddy. When ya come back, I gotta another story about how Lauren over there ate her own fuckin’ kid. Ya gotta hear this one man..it’s some crazy shit!” Alan continued following along beside me in his cage. “I look forward to it!” I yelled as I turned the corner to aisle 11. 

Hamster Dash is a game I haven’t even purchased so to give it a AppNapp or AppAttack review wouldn’t be right. I’d like to get it soon, but as of now, I’m (surprisingly) content with the games I have. If any of you have played this game and recommend it (or hate it) email me, respond down below or hit me up on Twitter. I’d love to hear from you. In all honesty, I just wanted to write a humorous article about a talking hamster. See how inspiration works?

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