Archive for October, 2009

Be a Dick

Yesterday afternoon as I sat in the kitchen, dying Muffins’ hair black and orange for the Halloween party Grandma is going to have this weekend, I realized that I’ve been playing the hell out of a game and didn’t even take a few minutes to tell you about it. As soon as I thought this, Grandma called me an asshole. Could she read my mind? Or did her alcohol induced Tourette’s syndrome happen to kick in at just the right moment. I still haven’t reached a conclusion. Now that I consider myself a 1st class detective I’ll look into it.

Nick Chase: A Detective Story (iTunes) is a wonderfully well made game in which you try to solve a series of puzzles. In the picture you see above, I’m trying to get into a gated area. That’s my character in the bottom right corner. The dots you see are spotlights I have to avoid. It’s the least flattering picture but the reason I show it to you is so that you can see how far along I’ve gotten in this game. I downloaded it yesterday morning and seldom put it down…it’s that good. I even played it last night while watching the UFC fights. Normally, I never look away from a good ol’ UFC fight (knockouts can happen any minute) but this game actually caused me to do so. The puzzles are diverse and can certainly be a challenge. At the same time, they’re also incredibly rewarding when you finish. I don’t know how long this game is but I hope I’m not even half way through. One other thing I like (and yes, at times it is annoying) is the soundtrack. It sounds like it was taken from some cheesy detective movie you’d see in the ’80′s. The drawings are well done, the music is fun and the puzzles are challenging. It’s on sale for a limited time so I highly recommend you pick this up for 99 cents. (Personally, this is one of those games that should stay steadfast in the $1.99 range). Get to work, dick!

AppAttack :D

*On a side note, I’m not too proud of a person to say that I looked for help online a few times. As a last resort, I’d recommend you check out this guy’s walkthrough just in case you get to a point where you wanna throw your iPhone at your sister’s head.

Scream Real Loud

Today is Saturday. That is a fact. Back in the day when I lived indoors I would watch Saturday morning cartoons. Usually from 7AM until around 10AM at about what time all the good shows were done and the rest was just a bunch of crap that trickled into the afternoon news. It was almost as if the tv had it’s throat cut. All the good shows gushed out in the early morning and by noon, the tv was dead. Today’s cartoons suck (I don’t have a tv so I don’t know this to be a fact, but I did overhear some kids riding by on scooters claim that cartoons do in fact suck). I feel a little sorry for today’s parents. I don’t know what they do on weekends without the sweet siren of Saturday morning cartoons luring their children into a zombie-like state of distraction. I assume they just wake up early with the kids and sit around the living room discussing why television sucks on the weekends? Maybe they award their kids stickers or small toys if the child can come up with a conclusive answer to this riddle? I don’t know. I’m not even up before noon on Saturdays. The reason I’m talking about all of this shit is because early this morning for some reason or another (probably because Muffins farted in my face) I thought of Garfield. Once I started thinking of Garfield I started to remember that he use to have a Halloween special I haven’t seen in ages. Having detective skills like Humphrey Bogart, I quickly began researching the long forgotten cartoon and came upon this website:

Garfield Halloween Special (and MORE!)

BUT the real special part of all my hard work is that there are not only the Garfield Halloween show but several other Halloween shows as well! Look on the sidebar to the left and you’ll see what I’m talking about. For now I’m going to go heat up this pizza I found on the curb and sit back and wish I was young again. Enjoy!

AppAttack :D

I’m Busy, Go AWAY!!!

Last weekend I taught Grandma how to make a telephone simply by using a string and two empty cans. She loved it. I’ve never seen her so tickled by something so simple and easy to make. We spent our entire breakfast eating cold oatmeal and discussing politics across the kitchen table. When I had to use the restroom midway through the The Price is Right, she laughed through her empty tin can that she was getting a bad reception on my part. After lunch we sat on the porch discussing how children (young boys in particular) aren’t as tough as they use to be while shooting at any that dared to ride by on their tricycle with BB guns. During her afternoon nap, I could hear her snoring through her little can as she mumbled something about waffles and ancient Roman art. After dinner (yes, we talked through our homemade cans about tornados and their effect on subculture groups) she asked me if I’d take her to the local bar and talk to her while waiting in the car. This, was where I drew a line. I told her that the phone lacks such capabilities and it would be useless knowing she’d be either passed out after three pitchers or in a random fight with someone who confused her to being a man. As I write this very sentence I see my end of the phone lying on the floor next to my Smurf house shoes. In a fit of rage, she cut the string in two and told me to go wash the dog (we don’t have one).

Chess Elite (iTunes) is a simple, addictive chess game that’s incredibly easy to pick up. Whether you’re a brilliant, strategic chess playing genius or just an idiot that has learned the game but never seem to improve at it (like me) then Chess Elite is definitely worth taking a look at. Like I previously mentioned, I’m not any good at the game of chess but I enjoy playing it. I’d like to be one of those guys that can think three to four steps ahead but I know this is only a dream (I’ve slipped on grandma’s empty vodka bottles one too many times). My one and only complaint about this game is that you’re constantly playing it. But dipshit, isn’t that a good thing? No, no it’s not. Those cute little “badges” that pop up on applications annoy me even though I like seeing them. It’s a little constant reminder that I have something that needs to be done while I’m trying to do something else. Alright, that’s actually not a bad thing. Maybe I’m just lazy? I have about ten games going on right now and I know that as soon as I make a move, whoever I’m playing will then make a move, forcing me to see a little “reminder” on my phone. I’m almost certain they think the same as me. If you enjoy chess and you enjoy not putting your phone down, I highly recommend this game. In fact, if you want to play chess with someone that’s not very good at it, challenge me. I’m, of course, “AppAttack”. See you on the wooden battlefield of death and destruction. Where children live in fear and horses march in despair at the beckoning of the evil Queen. All while the atrophied King sits alone in his paranoid chair of schizophrenia. Ok…that’s absolutely nothing like the game of chess but, whatever.

AppAttack :D

Bahh, bahhh, ba, ba, ba, bahhh

If you couldn’t figure out the topic of this post, then you must be tone-deaf because it clearly is the song, “Monday, Monday” by The Mamas & The Papas (iTunes). Anyways, I forgive you for not having superior knowledge of music like yours truly. Speaking of tone-deaf here’s a hilarious video of two cats that a dear friend showed me this afternoon while I was waiting in line for my midmorning cotton candy fix:

Cat Betrayed Girlfriend

I think I did it right…I’m still trying to figure out how to use the internet so just click on the bastard if there’s no video. I’ll get back on the topic of applications soon…I just thought this may cheer ya up. I’m cool like that.

AppAttack :D

Mix & Match

If you were a fly on my sippy cup of hot chocolate Grandma just made me, you’d see all of my beautiful posters of hot female celebrities I’ve gathered rummaging through trash cans at the local 7 Eleven (behind Albert’s Shack off of Mulberry Avenue). I’d never pay for a magazine or poster, as you know my allowance is often not very much. The problem I have gathering all of these posters is that some celebrities get a little less attractive over time. So what do I do? I mix and match parts of their face and body that I think is more hotter than their usual self. ┬áLuckily, “there’s an app for that”.

Dream Girl (iTunes) is an application that allows you to mix and match different facial features of a selected group of (hot) women. Don’t like this girl’s eyes? Flip your finger and she’s better looking that what her parent’s dealt her. Don’t like this girl’s haircut? Well…you may not like any of the other ones as well (their all really short and close to their heads). I created the above woman because she’s hot and I expect her to arrive at my van door any minute. I know she’s out there somewhere. The app itself is kinda fun to mess around with. What I enjoyed doing most, however, is rearranging the pieces to find out what each girl actually looked like (and not one of them is ugly. In fact, if you’re a model who posed for this app my number is (555)462-8718. Please don’t call after 8PM because Grandma will be passed out drunk. If woken, she makes me watch an hour long slideshow of her honeymoon in Paris and it’s awful….really, really awful).

AppAttack :D

Learn Something From Everyone

In my day job of helping cross walkers cross the street, I meet a lot of interesting people. Today for example, I met a guy named Raymond. He was a retired vet who fought in Vietnam right before things got really bad. As we crossed the street he told me a story about how the General in charge of his camp (located here in the states) liked things nice and clean. One day, after everyone in his group cleaned their camp to the absolute best of their abilities, his friend Edward flicked a cigarette butt onto the ground. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time, the General happened to walk by and saw his littering ways. He demanded that he speak with Edward behind the tents. Ten to fifteen minutes later, Edward returned with two swollen eyes, a broken nose and a bruised face. He laughed about it to Raymond but from that day forward, he never littered again. Raymond chuckled the whole way across the street reliving his story. Is this funny? I don’t know. It’s just an actual true story that I heard today. I’ll make up some bullshit later…I promise.

Solitaire Siege (is currently unavailable for some reason in iTunes) is a clever little solitaire game in which you play the original card game but with a twist. You have to collect certain weapons to set fire to trees in your way or blow up brick walls keeping you from winning. If you guess wrong, the cards shoot at you causing you to lose a little of your health. If you lose it all, game over. The version I have does in fact contain many a bugs (maybe that’s why it’s unavailable?) but all in all, it’s a really fun and addictive game. I hope the developer throws it back on the shelf soon. I’ll keep an eye out for it because I’d like you to have as much fun as I’ve had playing it.

AppAttack :D

Driving Miss Lazy

As you all know, Grandma drinks a lot so I’m most often a designated driver. She also can’t see over the steering wheel unless she’s sitting on 4 phone books so this also is a detriment. Grandma loves playing tricks on just about anyone that crosses her path. They’re not mean tricks mind you, but they’re somewhat evil tricks nonetheless. For example, Monday I had to pick her up from our local school playground. She was getting a little rough with the children playing there and it was my job to break it up. What’d she do? Well, she enjoys drinking about a liter of vodka while feeding the pigeons that haunt the location. About half way through the bottle she gets a little rowdy. I had received a phone call from a stranger who happened to grab Grandma’s cellphone that had fallen out of her pants. Apparently, she was cussing at any school children who wouldn’t challenge her on the teeter totter (the majority of children these days outweigh my grandmother and of course, she gets offended by this). When I had arrived at the playground, she had one child in a headlock and was kicking another child who was on the ground playing with his toys. A half hour later I had her in the backseat, tied down with two different sets of seat belts (she never goes quietly). As we drove off she asked that we go to the local church for her to pray for her evil ways. I obliged but, not knowing the area, asked that she give me directions. Having full faith in my dear sweet grandmother I listened to her every order. Twenty minutes later I started to believe that she had no clue where this church was. “Shut up and listen to me, you asshole” she yelled from the backseat. “I’m your grandmother…would I lie to you? Now keep going, were almost there”. By the time she asked me to make a right turn I knew exactly where we were headed. “Dammit all to hell” she growled from behind me. “I guess their parents have picked them all up” she quietly whispered under her breath. “Ah well, I’ll see those little bastards Monday I guess. Take me to the liquor store, I’m outta vodka again”.

MotionX GPS Drive (iTunes) is a GPS navigation app that I (thankfully) found this past weekend. Why do I say “thankfully”? Because I was about to blow close to (or even over) a hundred dollars had I not been thrifty. I’ve always wanted a GPS navigation kit in my car but I just don’t wanna spend a lot of money on one (nor would I ever use it as I seldom leave my grandmother’s van). For three bucks I thought I’d take the leap and pick this app up. Honestly, I’m pretty impressed by all it has to offer. You get 30 days free to try out the voice option, after that I think it’s only a few dollars or maybe twenty five for a whole year. (I’m too lazy to check after typing that bastard of a paragraph above…I hope you at least were slightly amused). One problem I have is that you literally have to put in the address you’re looking for. With copy & paste this is easily remedied but I wish there was an easier way. So far, it’s taken me to my friend’s house and my office with useful directions and I got to see myself as a little triangle (in which I pretend I’m driving a spaceship amongst boring vehicles. Easily amused…I know). For three dollars it may save you the heartache of spending a weeks worth of groceries on one app so I’d say check it out.

AppAttack :D

Judo CHOP!

One more story about Muffins and then I’ll change the subject. Or will I? Hell, I could talk nonstop about Muffins and you’d probably love it. For all I know you’re some crazy cat lady that only visits this site because I mention Muffins every now and then. You may sure as hell not even own an iPhone. Alright…I know, I know, I know. You found this website by accident and are actually shocked that you made it this far along reading this paragraph. Still there? Welcome! Now here’s my story…and it’s actually true (but you think all of these stories are true? Riiight ;) ). Muffins is the first cat I’ve ever owned. I’ll save you my childhood melodramatics and simply say, we weren’t allowed anything with hair growing up. So, like anyone else, I was ecstatic to own a cat when grandma said I could keep him. Cats are amazing creatures. They’re completely aware of their surroundings almost at all times. A fun game I’ve been playing since Muffins was a tiny kitten is to actually sneak up on him. What’s the score? Zero to 546. I have yet to properly scare the bejesus out of Muffins but I try almost every day. Just ONE time, I’d absolutely love to make him jump a mile in the air. He’d most likely just turn around, jump on my face and claw my eyes out of their sockets (because he can) so it’s probably best I haven’t won yet.

Silent Swords (iTunes) is a game I keep kicking myself in the nutz for not telling you about. I’ve had it on my Touch since probably the day it came out. You’re simply a little round headed ninja that has to kill a handful of guards to open a door and advance to the next level. Sounds easy, right? I’ve been stuck on the above level (see picture) for quite some time. I know what to do, I just can’t do it. I’m one of those kinds of players that gives up fairly easily, crying to my grandma until she soothes me with her “magic water” (I know it’s not magical water…it’s vodka. But hell, it’s a free shot and it makes me feel better about being such a pathetic gamer). Silent Swords ramps up in difficulty rather quickly and the controls do take some getting use to but I love stealth games. It’s a little like being Sam Fisher with a sword (for all my nerdy game players in the house. Hollaaa!!).

AppAttack :D

Radio Flyer Wagons

A long long time ago, I mentioned to you how I don’t have modern radio. Well, I have radio- it’s just from the year 1938 so it gets old rather quickly. You’re probably saying to yourself, what does he do and how could he possibly live without radio?! To put your mind at ease I’ll let you in on a little secret. You see, Muffins talks in his sleep. The veterinarian said it’s nothing unusual and I shouldn’t worry, so I’m OK with it. Yeah it gets a little annoying when I’ve had too much coffee and can’t sleep but for the most part, I don’t mind at all. The other day I realized I could actually use Muffin’s midnight chattering to my advantage. So for the past week and a half I’ve been setting a tape recorder next to Muffin’s pillow at night. Now when I’m out driving in my van I actually have something to listen to! I just pop the tape in my tape deck and cruise down the street. My friends don’t necessarily like it and I actually got stabbed once by a hitchhiker I picked up off of Route 38. He was telling me how gas prices have gone up and that he lost his job, yet, I’m the crazy one for listening to my cat’s meowing in his sleep. Crazy bastard.

Woxy Radio (iTunes) is flip flappin’ fantastic (say whaaaa?!). It’s basically internet radio on your iPhone/iPod Touch. Yeah…I don’t give a rats ass, you say? Well, I’ve seldom come across a song I didn’t like on Woxy. They play songs you may or may not have heard before and that’s what makes this app so damn cool. I’ve learned there are almost a thousand bands better than the Jonas Brothers. That’s right, just like you, I thought only the Jonas Brothers were the only good band left*. Until I gave Woxy a good try and believe you me…it’s true. The fact that most of the bands they play aren’t even on your regular radio station makes this app worth trying. It’s free so DO IT!

AppAttack :D

*For the record, I never have nor ever will like the Jonas Brothers.

All My Ex’s Live…Somewhere Else

My X Girlfriend (sadly, I can’t say iTunes because this app comes and goes depending on what mood Apple is in at the moment) was/is(?) an application in which you can send in pictures of your ex-girlfriend. The majority of what I’ve seen are fairly raunchy but not anything too nasty like you’d find with the Internet app (*cough*cough*). For example:

Not too bad, eh? I will warn you and say some are actually pretty racy but what do you expect with an application solely designed to embarrass your ex? My one and only complaint I have with this app is that the developers refuse to publish pictures I’ve sent in of my ex-girlfriend. For example, they sent me an email saying, “Dear Sir. We will not publish a picture of a chair but thank you.” Or another one I sent where my girl was in the shower and looking pretty damn hot along with another one where she was shaving her legs, the idiots replied, “Dear Sir. Why did you take a picture of a running shower? And why fill up your bathtub with no one in it?”. Stupid morons. This one picture I have of my ex was taken just after we “got busy”…it was HOT! Again, the numb nuts replied to my email with, “Dear Sir. Your bedroom looks awfully clean. We’re glad you know how to make your bed”. You know, come to think of it…I’ve never had a girlfriend. Hmm.

AppAttack :D

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