Archive for September, 2009

Brian Owes Me Money

I’m sure you guys remember me saying that I’m not much of a sports fan? Well, I’ve decided that I need to be one in order to fulfill my destiny of owning a penis. Am I right? As a male, I think doing “manly” things like watching sports is something that is a necessity and not something to merely pass the time. I’ve mentioned this to my friends and I guess they take me for a complete and total idiot. You see, the other day my friend Brian and I were chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool and shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school hanging out. We both have the same iPhone’s with the same cases so one could very easily mistaken them for their own. I don’t really believe this, but it could happen. Anyways, Brian mistakenly downloaded two applications on my phone, believing he was doing so on his own phone.

Break The Book (iTunes) is a pretty sweet app that lets you place bets on professional sports games. You can bet on the Spread, Over/Under and the Money Line. Michael, please explain all of this you demand. HELL NO! This means absolutely nothing to me. I’ve never been a big sports fan much less bet on any games. But because I never say no to danger put my phone down for less than 5 minutes, I thought I’d give it a shot. And I ended up having horrible luck on the games I bet on but, I did end up winning one out of pure coincidence.

I tried using all of the little numbers the app provides and just “going with it” and I would have won enough money to supply grandma with a weeks worth of vodka…had I actually placed a bet. I’m gonna give it a shot again this weekend and hopefully, I’ll figure it all out. It’s fun to place bets and make invisible wages if you consider yourself easily amused like I do, so you may wanna give it a shot.

Another app my dear friend Brian took upon himself to download on my phone was ESPN Radio (iTunes). It does what it’s name implies…plays sports radio broadcasts. To me, again, this is useless. But to some, it may be pure gold. If I was an avid sports fan and wanted to listen to a game I can’t get in my neighborhood, this application is perfect. I’ve even found that I enjoy hearing what them “big city folk” are listening to. You see, in my neck of the woods, we only get broadcasts from 1938. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to pry a shotgun from my dear sweet grandmother’s hands each time The War of The Worlds is broadcasted. I can have a perfect day at work doing Kate Beckinsale’s gardening only to come home to my grandmother standing on the kitchen table, shotgun in hand with a metal pot almost covering her entire face ordering me to “pray to whatever tentacle alien god” I believe in to “save me from the venomous wrath of her 3rd arm of destruction” (I assume she means her shotgun when she says this. I’ve asked her sober and she just mumbles something about spaghetti and why Nascar reminds her of Halloween. I don’t know.). If you like sports or are simply tired of listening to the same crap on the radio, check it out.

AppAttack :D


Hey dudes and dudettes!! How’s it hangin’ (or hiding…whichever you choose. Or choose not to accept, Timothy. You were born a boy so ADMIT IT, DAMMIT! Don’t make Thanksgiving suck like you did last year you little prick). I’m sorry. Sometimes I spill my family sorrows on this website and I don’t mean to. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that there will be some fun changes coming to this website in the very near future. Don’t get too excited and wet yourself (Timothy) but I think you’ll like what I’m cooking. Until then, how about a review?

I found the above photo in an app called Astronomy Picture of the Day (iTunes). If I have to explain that to you, you’re a complete idiot and I ask that you leave this site at once. And don’t forget your shoes…they smell funny and I don’t like them. What’s great about the above picture is that it’s as if the Cosmos is giving you the finger. As if to say, “Hey check this shit out with your little telescopes you silly impotent human. HA HA HAAA!!!”. The app is free so be sure and grab it if you like feeling small and inferior. Some of the photographs are truly stunning.

AppAttack :D

You’ll Go Blind

Applications are no different than masturbation. We all do it, but we seldom share the fact. Sure, it’s fun to joke about or laugh at when seen in a movie or to hear a friend’s personal story. But when it comes down to it (no pun intended…wait, this is my site so I CAN have a pun intended so take it. Yeah, that’s right, take it. Who’s your daddy? whoah whoah WHOAH!!! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get off (dammit…did it again) on a tangent. But my point is, all of us download applications to our phone and we seldom show our friends. Maybe for a minute or two, but in all honesty, we want our phones back from their greasy little vasoline covered digits because we know, in our heart of hearts, we know they’re gonna drop the damn thing and bring our world to an end.

When I found out Redwind Software had created a music trivia game I was about as excited as you were the first time you saw a Playboy. As you know (because you’re faithful to this site which sits lovingly in your bookmark folder) I was a big fan of their Movie Challenge (iTunes) game. It was perfect for parties and definitely great to pass around while killing time at a friend’s house. (On a side note, I admire how the developers consistently updated Movie Challenge. It was their “baby” and they treated it with a whole bunch of love. I tip my hat to you, Redwind Software). Music Challenge (iTunes) is just as great, if not better than Movie Challenge. What makes you say that? And why are you talking about masturbation? you ask. I’ll answer the former.

Music Challenge gives you the opportunity to use your own music as trivia questions. The first time you see the game ask you about Starflyer 59 (the absolute best rock band…EVER) you’ll pass out in line at the grocery store. I know I did. You must have a fairly large library in order for this to work but when it does, it’s fricken sweet. I also like how the difficulty of the game changes with each round. One round (as seen above) I couldn’t get one answer right, another round I was like John Cusack in High Fidelity. The overall variety of the game is what it makes it an instant download in my opinion. For long distant car rides, this game would be perfect to keep you busy. And I’ll say it again, if you’re a socialite like me who attends wine tasting parties each night of the week (it’s hard living in Hollywood) then this is a great party app. Friends of all ages can play it (unless you have the absolute shittiest taste in music, in which your iPhone/iPod Touch should be dropped. Yeah, I said it). If you enjoyed Movie Challenge or just trivia games in general, be sure to pick up Music Challenge too. For now, I’m gonna go look up some “stuff” on the internet before Grandma gets back from happy hour.

AppAttack :D

Man in the Mirror

I get asked possibly 1 & 1/2 times a year, “Michael, WHAT do you look like? With such literary genius and comical prose, you MUST be the best looking man in the entire world? Is this true?”. Honestly, I don’t think I’m too ugly. I was in fact voted “Best Looking Grandson” at our 2003 family reunion AND to this day Grandma tells me I’m “the most handsome boy she’s ever known despite what the ladies at the hair salon say”. So, yeah I’m not too ugly I guess. So that my Inbox doesn’t get flooded like the summer of 2006 I thought I’d post a picture of me for you all to see. It’s a simple snapshot of the one I use for my Twitter account.

What do you think? I’ll admit, it was done by a professional photographer down in Austin, Texas. Me and my brother decided to have our picture taken at a party and this was our “serious” pose. I actually know how to smile I just decided not to moments before this photo was taken. Yes, denim jackets are no longer in style so don’t even try to email me about it (Kathy, you stupid asshole). Ahh, whom I kidding? The above picture was photoshopped to death. Here’s an honest picture of what I look like (NSFW):



If you’re like me (and about half of the world’s population) you find sites that add stupid captions to stupid pictures…stupid. It’s not that they’re not trying, it’s just that they’re not trying. They aren’t funny or cute and I downright can’t stand’em. Maybe I have a thing against other people’s pets or maybe I just hate illiterate bastards (“But Michael…I just read a dozen of your posts and you have the worst grammar I’ve ever seen. Haven’t you heard of Spell Check you moron?” I know, I know…STFU). What’s “cute” in your head doesn’t translate in the real world so don’t even try. For example:

The above is a photograph I took of Muffins last summer (with my iPhone 3G by the way…not bad, huh?). Maybe one or two of you found this “cute” or funny in that stupid way I talked about earlier. The rest of you would like to punch my face in. I understand. Now, let me try it again…

Better? Of course it is! Because I’m not trying to sound like a elementary student on crack. “STFU and get to the review” you say? Alright, I was able to make the above pic with an application called, iLOLZ (iTunes). The real beauty about this application is that I can put WHAT I WANT for a caption. And the possibilities are endless…it doesn’t always have to be about your stupid pet. In fact, I’ve got a bachelor party this weekend I have to go to and believe me, my friends will be embarrassed the proper way on Facebook* ;) If you’re looking for a fun, photo annotator to charm your girlfriend, impress your grandmother or shame your friends for the lousy sons of bitches they truly are, pick up iLOLZ.

AppAttack :D

*Version 1.1 now supports landscape mode so the naughty pictures I plan to take of strippers on stage should go swimmingly this weekend.

Perfect Strangers

MY GOSH!!!! It’s been busy as hell around here. I thought you lived in a van behind your grandmother’s house, how busy could you possibly be, you ask? Well, besides telling you about apps that I find worth your fancy, I also have a day job. Well…I say “job”. All I really do is putt around on a scooter shooting people who don’t pick up their dog’s shit with a slingshot, but still I consider work no less. It’s like your job is any better….asshole. Anyways, I have several apps that I’ve delved deeply into (when I have the time) recently and would like to tell you all about them so check back soon. (If you’ve come here each day since August, cussing my name for not telling you anything new, THANKS!! I appreciate you readers who check on me from time to time). Hell, Grandma hasn’t brought me any macaroni & cheese for TWO WEEKS now?! Come to think of it, last time I saw her I gave her a box of vodka to celebrate her receiving a trophy at her local bowling league. Maybe I should check on her? See ya soon!!

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