Flower

Archive for July, 2009

For My Lone Friend

Like I said earlier this week, I like to check on the ol’ Google Analytics to see if Nathum ever visits this site anymore. He hasn’t this week but I don’t blame him. Apparently his dad bought his stepmom a pool so I’m sure Nathum is in the bushes playing with his cack n’ balls (free snow cone for the first person to name where I got that phrase from ;-) ). Anyways, out of boredom this morning I was digging through the keywords that people have used that brought them here. One lone person was searching for “Marilyn Manson with iPhone”. I too have been curious when I saw this picture:

Is it an iPhone? I think it is due to the metallic-looking rim and that little button on the top left. If it is an iPhone, notice how Manson doesn’t use a case…a true rock and roll star.

AppAttack :D

2 Peas in an (i)Pod

There’s two different ways I’m going to tell you about this. I told you awhile back about the application Body Talk (iTunes). It’s an application that I love love love because it deals with body language and helps you “read” or pick up what people are really saying. I’m reading all the books I can on the subject after falling love with the show Lie to Me. It’s fascinating and exciting when you can detect when someone’s lying to you or not acting like their usual self. I LOVE it so…let me tell you.

The developers of Body Talk have released an update to their already well made app. With the new update comes a few more signals people do along with all NEW video. WHICH MEANS that the girl (as shown in the above photo) is no longer dating the guy from the previous version!!! If this happens to be the case, then please hit me up on Twitter or shoot me an email ;-)  I’d be more than happy to buy you a cup of coffee sometime or maybe we could meet up in New York and feed pigeons? Holla at me!!! Unless…

This new guy is her boyfriend. In that case, dude I was simply asking her out for coffee and meant nothing by it. I just happened to notice the other guy was no longer around so I thought I’d ask. Seriously, I meant no harm. I would totally not be lame like that and do such a stupid thing. Besides, you’re way better looking than I am plus you could kick my ass pretty easily. Are we cool? Yeah? Can I buy you a beer? Sweet, I know a great pub down the street that has Heineken on tap…you’ll love it.

AppAttack :D

PS: They have another application out that I love just as much as Body Talk I’ll tell you about tomorrow. I gotta shave Muffins tonight and stop by the liquor store for grandma. Stay tuned though…it’s another hot one you’ll wanna pick up!!!

Text Messaging Is Destroying Our Children’s Vocabulary

I think that’s the longest title of a post I’ve ever written. But I stand by it…don’t believe me? Click here (shout out to my brutha!!! ;-) ). I’m not saying I have the best vocabulary. Hell, you can scroll through a handful of these posts and find plenty of grammatical errors, I’m sure. Maybe it’s hereditary? I’ve told you before how my niece Caroline is about as smart as a mouse turd. The other day I bought her some sidewalk chalk to keep her busy (if grandma gets too drunk I usually get stuck babysitting). She drew a HUGE picture on the driveway which, to the best of my knowledge, was me and her sharing an ice cream cone. And to the right of us she wrote the words, “Friends understand caring and kindness you often understand”. But my niece has a thing for the color blue. Not understanding the error of her ways, each word started with a big bold blue letter followed by dull green letters. It looked more like this:

Friends Understand Caring and Kindness You Often Understand”.

Needless to say, grandma was pretty angry when she sobered up.

Words With Friends (iTunes) is a free (or pay 99c for an ad-free version) Scrabble-like game for your iPhone that’s a lot of fun. It’s created by the same guys that did Chess With Friends which was a lot of fun too. You simply log in, create a word, and then wait for the other person to create their word. I haven’t finished my first game yet but I like it a lot. Check it out and if you wanna play me add “AppAttack” to your list. I SUCKED monkey balls at the chess game but I think I’m a fair contender to word games. See ya soon!!

AppAttack :D

Hey Wassup?!

Hey Nathum, what’s going on?! How ya been?! I ran into your mom the other day at the grocery store. She said she was picking up some over the counter medicine for your penisifus infection (was she being cute or serious? What is penisifus?!). I hope that shit clears up soon man, sorry to hear about that. I said to myself, “DAMN Nathum’s mom is HOT!” and then I realized that’s your dad’s new girlfriend. So I must say, “DAMN Nathum’s stepmom is HOT!”. How many times do you “accidentally” walk in on her in the shower? Be honest, man, you can tell me. LOL! Speaking of hot, how’s your sister? Did she ever call it quits with Derek? I’m single BTW….let her know! Bro’s before Ho’s as they say. You ever run into Greg? I wonder how he’s doing? Rumor has it Greg is now Gina…isn’t that some crazy shit?!! Well, anyways, thanks for visiting my website. I appreciate the fact that you come here at least once a month. Call me some time and we’ll go grab some beers!! Peace out bro!!

Alright, to the best of my knowledge, more than one person checks out this site every now and then. The above paragraph is me being silly. Who would name their kid Nathum anyways?! To see how many people enjoy reading my little nuggets of chocolatey goodness I use Google Analytics. It’s pretty useful and at times, depressing. I told you not ONE person from North Dakota has been here, didn’t I? Google has an app that does the same thing called Google Analytics (iTunes) That isn’t the exact name of the app but I’m not going to type it all out for you. Just click on the link…it’s horribly long. If you have a website and use Google Analytics, the app works just as well. There’s also a free version to check out if you don’t have any money.

AppAttack :D

Push It Real Good

I’m not really a sports fan and I blame my childhood. Most likely when I ask you to imagine what I look like, the majority of you think of me as a small, scrawny guy wearing Calvin and Hobbes boxers, with a five o’clock shadow living behind his grandmother’s house in a van. And you’re right. I’m not what you call the “athletic type”…never have been. Being a scrawny kid I often got picked on in school. So, to play any kind of physical activity with the very same people who beat me black and blue was and is utterly ridiculous. But in the end the jokes on my enemies of course. I’ve created a special device that allows you to detect when your dog or cat farts. A small “beep” sound is emitted from the device, therefore allowing you to literally say, “the dog did it” when your loved ones start gagging and pointing fingers.

SportsTap (iTunes) is a free application that allows you to keep up with a plethora of sport scores. From golf to baseball to football to toad licking, it’s all there. Recently the developer has integrated using the Push notification bullshit and it kicks ass! I’m trying to get into baseball (don’t know if I’ll stick around with it…too many damn games) and I almost instantly receive scores. It’s great because not all games are on television or I’m busy doing what North Dakota people call “work”. I’m really looking forward to college football this year. College football = Fall weather = Holidays = One Happy Camper.

AppAttack :D

(For those curious about the above pic, I’m a jailbreaker that uses StatusNotifier to let me know if I have any mail, txts, calls…etc. thus the cute little “mail” icon at the top)

Acne, Corporation

Here’s something to suck on…alright, that sounds gross. How about, here’s something to think about. Why do kids no longer have zits anymore? Next time you’re out in public, which may not be this evening but certainly tomorrow, look around when you’re at say, the mall and try to find a kid with horrible acne. I left my grandma’s van for the first time in two weeks yesterday to buy Muffins some catnip (he had a bad case of “the shakes” so I had to help him) and I didn’t see ONE kid with pimples and zits dominating their ugly faces. When I was a kid I had horrible acne. Women would puke upon seeing me and the elderly would be at my parent’s house late at night with pitchforks in hand, demanding I leave their peaceful town at once. It was tough growing up. I won’t even bother to tell you about P.E. class….let’s just say, I was mercilessly picked on and beaten up. And I’m only talking about what the coach did to me! WHY don’t kids have zits anymore?! It’s a damn conspiracy I tell ya.

Poppi (iTunes) is one helluva a great game for a dollar. The goal is to simply keep the balls from reaching the bottom of the screen by pressing your finger around. It’s very basic, yet somewhat relaxing and addictive as catnip. It also reminds me of the countless hours I spent popping the evil zits (whom spoke to me in my sleep) in front of my bathroom mirror.

AppAttack :D

Don’t Worry, Be Appy

See what I did there? Kinda clever, huh? Didn’t think so. Even I don’t think I’m clever half the time. It stresses me out. Speaking of stress, 27 Steps For A Stress Free Life (iTunes) is a FREE application that helps you manage the stressors in your day to day life. It’s simply 27 different ways that may help you take a load off but what I like most is that it has some kick ass pictures. See below for details.

And I am clever, I don’t care what you say…

AppAttack :D

Without Philip

Wayyy back in the day I told you about my friend Philip. He’s had a long love affair with the comic strip Garfield ever since he stopped breast feeding…wait, that was Monday, let me try again. My friend Philip has had a long love affair with Garfield ever since he stopped wearing diapers. Dammit. Nevermind….forget I said anything. Anyways, some of you may be hip to Garfield Minus Garfield, some of you may not (but technically I just told you about it and if you went to the link I provided there’s no possible way that you’re no longer hip to it). Some guy got clever and took Garfield out of the comic, leaving John all by himself, alone with his depressing thoughts.

I came across Garfield Minus Garfield (iTunes) and thought, “dammit, that is one expensive application”. And I’m still thinking that as I tell you about it, BUT if you’re a fan of the website then I think you’d appreciate this app as well. The fun part is you can throw Garfield back in the strip to see what he’s saying. So if you’re a fan of Garfield or a fan of John, you’ll be content. If you’re not a fan of either, Philip will put a pube in your mailbox. I don’t know why he does it, but I’m sick of it.

AppAttack :D

Answer to Morla

Morla, a long time reader from North Dakota writes,

“Greetings Mr. AppAttack! I thought I’d send you an email letting you know that I really enjoy your website and that you’ve helped me make some great decisions when it comes to purchasing applications for my iPhone. You also seem to have great admiration for animals, as many of your posts deal with them. Do you love animals? I do. I have a pet turtle named Nancy. She’s the sweetest. I found her at the lake last summer and we’ve been BFF’s ever since. I have a question: The other day I was playing with Nancy and I realized that her and I have something in common. Her neck looks similar to my scrotum. I was excited to discover this similarity so I quickly showed her the comparison. She bit me. It hurts really bad but I’m too afraid to tell my my mom what happened. What should I do? Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Morla Seshelswick

P.S: What do you think of the game Rolando 2: Quest for the Golden Orchid (iTunes).

Ok…I made up the above letter. No scrotum was bit. There’s not a turtle named Nancy and in fact, not one person from North Dakota has visited this site. Believe me, I have my sources. I don’t think turtles even live in North Dakota. I’ll have to look that up. Anyways, Rolando 2 is a really fun action and puzzle game. I loved the first one and was excited to see them come out with a sequel. Yes, it’s a little expensive but it’s truly a game…not a quick little distraction. Plus, I’m hoping the developers will continue to add levels via updates like they did with the first Rolando. I’ve spent a lot of time playing the game and really enjoy it. Get it.

AppAttack :D

Funny Pervert

Alright. Not everything I say or do is funny. There’s a lot of things that don’t get passed the gate that I find utterly hilarious but I choose to nibble on such small pieces of hilarity all to myself. This morning I thought of something I thought was funny but the translation came out differently. You see, Hot Weather (iTunes) is a simple application that allows you to see the day/weeks forecast. This past week I learned that there is an actual town called “Truth or Consequences” in New Mexico. So to myself, seeing what the weather would be like in Truth or Consequences with a bikini app was hilarious.

It ended up reading “Truth…quences” as you can see above so my funny idea died on the ground like a roly-poly who just ate a drop of Tabasco sauce he found on the kitchen floor from last weekend’s party that Kim could have cleaned up but she didn’t because Tom called. Anyways, the app itself is great because you can check out pretty women and remind yourself again for the millionth time (even though you know) today’s high is 98 degrees. I just wouldn’t check the weather in line at the bank.

AppAttack :D

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