Flower

Archive for May, 2009

Wimp

 

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like sports. I don’t care about watching some men run around with a ball trying to make more points than some other men running around with said ball. Why would I care if they win or lose? That’s been my attitude pretty much throughout my life. Maybe after being picked on one too many times in P.E. class I’m a little bitter? Or the fact that all the girls swooned over the “jocks” at my school, never giving me the time of day (they still don’t actually…maybe I need a different strategy? Or maybe I should simply wear pants in public? Hmm). These girls would all lose their virginity to some dude that could catch/throw a ball. BIG DEAL!!! The same guy that, years later, would go bald and gain 400 pounds. If you’re still in school and you’re reading this remember: The most popular girl in your school that makes you wet yourself each time she farts will IN FACT be ugly 5-10 years from now. You laugh when I say this but trust me. Same goes for the guys…”Mr. Cool” that all the ladies love and that gives you wedgies while talking about screwing your mother will gain a thousand pounds and a bald spot you can see from the Space Station. So guys: keep an eye on the “ugly betty’s” in your school…they’ll be knockouts when they go to college. And ladies: keep your pants on when “Mr. Cool” tries to win you over by being the man you’ve always wanted. He may be now but he won’t be later. Anyways…what the fuck was I talking about? OH YEAH…sports!! Like I said, I’ve never been a sports fanatic. But this year I’ve decided to give sports another shot and baseball is the one I’ve chosen. I picked up At Bat (iTunes link) because before the baseball season kicked off, the developer promised in-game audio and they delivered on all accounts. You can choose which announcer to listen to and catch up on all the games you’re missing at work or on the go. I’ve gotta few errands to run so I’ll be listening to the Giants vs Nationals game while flipping off old ladies in traffic this afternoon. Why the Giants? I don’t know shit about them but (as you know) I love San Francisco so that’s the team I’ve chosen to go with. Suck it.

 

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Men in Blue

 

My buddy Frank is a cop. Each weekend we get together and have a few beers and talk/play Xbox. And all of his buddies are cops so when we party, I’m somewhat on edge, wondering if I’m going to get arrested when I walk out the door. What’s fun about hanging out with them is that I learn more about what’s going on in my city as opposed to what the local (crap) news has lead me to believe. It’s not always pleasant to hear what goes on, but it’s interesting. That being said, I won’t make any jokes about cops…it’s a tough job but somebody has to do it. Trapster (iTunes link) is an application that allows you to see where cops are in your city. If whoever tagged the location is telling the truth, you have a “heads up” as to what route you should take going home. On the flip side which I don’t think anyone’s thought of, it also shows you where cops may be in case of some emergency. And you thought I was a dumbass piece of shit asshole? (Alright, because I slept with your sister I am indeed an asshole, but I’m not a dumbass).

 

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For the Birds

 

After college I moved up north to Nevada. In need of money, I started working at a Bushtit farm (located 2 miles west of Mill City). Bushtits are a special species of birds that travel in flocks of up to 60 until breeding season, at which time they separate for mating. Their nests are actually quite amazing. Ranging from spiderwebs to moss to other found plant material, the Bushtit creates it’s nest similar to that of a hanging basket. You’ll be impressed to know that after the female has laid her egg, the male will actually help incubate it! Sometimes, if it’s cold enough, BOTH parents will incubate the egg. I was always impressed watching them as even other birds (not just the parents) will help feed the baby birds. It’s a truly unique species. My job, for the few months that I worked there, was to provide fresh blankets and pillows to the mating birds so that their “evening alone” was successful.

 

 

Bushtit on a limb

Bushtit on a limb

 

Alright, like always, I’m lying and making up crap. But what I’m not making up are the above facts. I learned all about the Bushtit from iBird Explorer South (iTunes link). Obviously from the thousands of posts you’ve read here, it’s safe to say I love animals. I had been hesitant to buy this application because of the hefty asking price but it’s completely worth it. This app is FULL of useful information and PLENTY of birds. I don’t know anything about birds (besides how funny it is when you’re friends/loved ones get crapped on) but because of all the info packed in this application, I feel like I’m getting there. I wish you could search for species in more simple terms (ex: that bird with the orange thingy on it’s head and yellow tail) but, you can’t. Searching through the abundant database can be time consuming but in the end it’s fun looking at all the different species. Special note: if your job requires you to meet people outside or being outside in general this application is a great distraction when you’re bored. You’ll find yourself looking up crows just to learn a new fact to share (bore) with your friends. 

 

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Pointless

 

I thought I’d post this video for the helluv it. I had a crush on her back when cassette singles (with their cute little cardboard jackets) could be purchased at the record store. Check out the guy with the Davey Crockett hat around the 30 second mark. Hats like that never have and never will be cool. Never ever. 

 

Pebbles

Office Maximus

 

Having an office downtown has been fantastic. Well, I don’t really have an office downtown but I do in fact work in front of one. Let me be more clear, I actually work in front of MANY offices downtown. You probably would recognize me if you’d look up from your fucking Blackberry/iPhone every once in awhile. Or actually turn around and say, “excuse me” when we bump shoulders. But your a busy person and I don’t expect you to. I’m the guy wearing the hard hat and neon orange protective safety vest. Construction, you ask? No. My job is to make sure the pigeons in the city do an adequate job of shitting on all possible physical surfaces. They’re normally clean animals that shit in a small pile beside trees collectively. Most people don’t know this. Every morning I go deep into the woods with my net and gather what pigeons I can find and bring them to the city. From there, I feed them McDonald’s, KFC or Taco Bell leftovers which (like anyone with a proper diet knows) creates irregular bowl movements. When the day is done, I load up all of the pigeons in my van and return them to their home in the forest. Some evenings the pigeons are even so kind as to invite me to dinner. We create a small campfire and discuss religion while sipping warm bananana berry stew. I love my job.

 

You're fired

 

I’ve purposely been holding off reviewing this game because I’ve been wanting to play it with my friend. But my friend’s a fucking idiot who’s been too busy lately with his new girlfriend to hangout. Whatever happened to “bro’s before ho’s”?! (Whatever happened to me having a life?!). Anyways, Board@Work (iTunes link) is another take on the “match 3″ genre but it has it’s own place. There’s a lot to it. Yes, you simply match 3 colors or 3 shapes but you’re given “office supplies” which adds a different take on the whole scheme of things. For example, you can line up an entire left/right side of the board with mismatched colors. If you’ve worked hard enough and have earned enough markers, you can then color each square to the color you want to match and BOOM!, you’ve got yourself a large combo. You can pause the game which is handy later on as the pieces arrive at a more frantic pace. (Some have bitched that it’s too slow at first…if you push the “Next” symbol you can have your piece delivered promptly. Stop crying). The humor also sets this game apart from the others. It’s very dry and even goes so far as to make fun of you for not trying your best. I’ve enjoyed playing this game and if you’re a match 3 kinda person, I recommend you give it a shot. If you actually have friends that are cool and willing to play a round with you, let me know. And if you see my friend and his not-that-cute-new-girlfriend, flip’em off for me.

 

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Bum a Smoke?

 

Back when I was in 3rd grade I had to take the bus to school. My parents would often lend me the keys to their car but my legs just weren’t long enough to reach the pedals. Like every 3rd grader I would tell them, “thank you for lending me your keys but my little legs can’t reach…yet” and out the door I’d go, coffee in hand. Always on time, I would usually catch up on the day’s headlines or make small talk with whomever shared the bench with me. I’ll never forget Gerard. He was an elderly man, most likely in his early 70′s who would take the bus to the local tennis courts to stare at the young women that practiced there. One Thursday morning during the summer, I was running late (I had wet the bed the previous night and Mother asked that I clean my sheets before school). I didn’t have time to eat the steak and egg breakfast my mother had made but being the quick thinker, I wisely grabbed a handful of Pollybell’s (our beloved cocker spaniel) food. As I sat there on the bus bench, slowly chewing the dried food, Gerard appeared from behind some bushes. “What’s that you’re eating?” he asked, zipping his pants shut. “Pollybell’s food”, I answered. “You’re eating dog food again, boy?”, Gerard questioned with a slight sound of disapproval in his voice. “Yeah, I pissed the sheets last night so I didn’t have time for breakfast” I answered, putting what little food I had left in my shirt pocket. “Son, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But when I don’t have the time or simply can’t afford it, I smoke. Want a cigarette?” Gerard said, handing me a lighter. “Why not?” I replied.

 

 

ONLY SEVEN?!!

ONLY SEVEN?!!

 

Like offering someone who doesn’t smoke a cigarette, Flood-It! (iTunes link) is another bad vice that should probably be left alone. The object of the game is to try and color an entire board filled with many colors so that in the end, the board is one color. The challenge lies in that you only have a certain amount of “moves”. The first time you play it, for some reason, you win right away (at least I did). Every time after that you curse your screen and slap your sister in frustration (ok, you don’t really slap your sister. That’s just mean. You do however, use every cuss word you can think of). I hate the game but only because it’s challenging and a round can easily be picked up on the go, say, while waiting for the bus for example. You may not like me for recommending it. Did I mention it’s FREE?!

 

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Sierra Myst

 

Each morning as I leave my humble van and enter Grandma’s home, it’s like entering a whole new world. Some days I find an elaborate recreation of the Eiffel Tower, composed entirely of empty beer bottles. Every now and then I find the neighborhood cats gathered in the living room wearing little clown shoes, with little clown noses on their faces. Often I find laundry in the dishwasher and broken dishes in the dryer. What makes it so much fun is discovering how everything came to be this way. Ultimately, the mystery is solved when grandma yells, “bring me my Tylenol…and a cookie!” but I like to pretend otherwise.

Myst (iTunes link) is a game that’s been around for quite some time. I remember having it on the first Playstation (I think…I’ve gone through more gaming consoles than girlfriends so it’s hard to remember) and I didn’t like it. Playing it a few times, I just gave up on it entirely. I didn’t find anything appealing about clicking around static images, trying to solve puzzles. Now that I’m older, I finally understand what makes this game so great. What you need to know and remember is that “discovering” the game itself is what makes Myst so much fun. It’s up to YOU to find out why you’re there and what the hell is going on. The game won’t tell you itself. I wish someone would have told me back in the day because this is an integral part in the world of Myst. Well, the only friend I had back then was a hermit crab and he couldn’t even talk. Now I have Muffins but I’m really getting annoyed by his recently adopted smoking habit. Bleh.

 

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Keep Track, Jack

 

If you know me, then you know I’m not organized. Well, you think that I’m unorganized when in fact, I’m actually the most organized unorganized person in the world. Sure, I may forget that I have a haircut at 2:00PM but I wrote it down in my planner. Yeah, there’s laundry on the floor, but it’s keeping the carpet clean. Dishes in the sink? So what, there’s clean ones in the cabinet. Empty vodka bottles all across the house? Those aren’t mine, they’re grandma’s so back the fuck up! This isn’t between you and her, this is between me and you, dammit. (See how I just write shit down and go with it? What other app related website has such musical prose? Nobody).

 

 

9 Tools for 1 Fool

9 Tools for 1 Fool

 

Some applications in iTunes are there to help manage your daily life. My friend Frank showed me 9-Toolbox (iTunes link) last night while watching The King of Kong (loved it…rent it from Netflix if you have an account). As you can see, there’s a lot of useful “tools” wrapped up in one application which may be beneficial to some of you. My favorite tool was the Holiday tool. I learned that Japan has a holiday where they respect the elderly.

 

 

R E S P E C T

R E S P E C T

 

Now do you feel bad for making fun of grandma’s drinking problem? You should, asshole. For a free application, it’s worth checking out. Just thought I’d bring it to your attention…

 

AppAttack :D  

Pickup Truck

 

I live in Texas. No, I’m not bragging when I say this. In fact, I’m ashamed. Don’t get me wrong, there are in reality, some decent cities in this state. But there are also black holes, void of any intelligence, culture, progressive thinking, religious understanding or common politeness to your fellow man. Then again, maybe everywhere is like that, I just never leave Grandma’s trailer to find out?

 

 

Go Jeffrey, GO!!!

Go Jeffrey, GO!!!

 

Pee Monkey (iTunes link) is a simple tilt game, in which you move your device left and right while a monkey (who clearly has a bladder unlike anything else that walks this earth) emits piss from his little wee wee into a toilet. His sister also cheers him on and gets angry when he misses. If you piss all around the bathroom, it fills up, inching ever so close to the electric socket, causing instant death. What I found funny about this game is that the soundtrack is country music. Not like Carrie Underwood “country” (which isn’t country to begin with), but more like “barnyard” country. My guess is the developer’s ideal target audience is half the state of Texas…they’re right.

 

AppNapp :(    

Work Related

 

Because this post involves discussing work, I can’t find anything funny to say (honestly, who wants to talk about work?! It’s not like the guy from Taco Bell comes home to his wife to discuss the “next big thing” the head honchos in charge are going to come out with next…who cares?). But because a friend told me about it, I feel the need to tell you about it. It’s called Zillow Real Estate (iTunes link). If you’re in the building/housing/real estate…etc business than you owe it to yourself to check this out (it’s free). Hell, if you and that hot wife of yours are looking for a new house this year, you should check it out as well!! You simply open the application, say “yes” when it gets nosey and asks to use your current location, and soon you’ll start to see home prices in whatever neighborhood you happen to be in. Shit, like I said, I don’t wanna talk about work…it’s Friday. I should be talking about drinking beer and playing strip poker with my friends at the retirement home. Go here to see this app in action.

 

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