Archive for April, 2009

Embedding Video


Alright, I’m not the most intelligent person when it comes to a website. But I’m going to see if I can embed a video because I have nothing else better to do. Wanna go to the mall?

(It’s a video of a dog walking in it’s sleep…both sweet and funny at the same time, like the ass of a bumblebee. Thanks to my bro for helping me figure this out!!!)

Behind Door #3


If you’re anything like me, then, I feel sorry for you. Have you talked to your parents about it? Maybe your guidance counselor? What’d they say? That bad, huh? Well, I got no advice to offer here so good luck with that…sucka. I live in my own head the majority of the day and I have a great time doing so. It’s like Pee Wee’s Playhouse…minus the soccer coach, of course. When what goes on in your head would greatly offend others, the iPhone’s there to help.



Naughty Room

Naughty Room


Being lazy like that fat bastard of a cat Muffins, yesterday, I decided to peruse the Appstore’s “New” apps category for something…new. And I indeed did find something new called 3D Gallery (iTunes link). It’s a “3D” art gallery on your phone. You can move throughout several different rooms looking at different pictures of bugs having sex (kidding). What makes the application so damn cool is that you can use photos from your own photo gallery. If you’re like the annoying mother’s I see on Facebook, you could make an entire room dedicated to your (ugly) child to show friends and family (who don’t care) OR if you’re weird like me, you can make a whole room full of hot chicks. I’m working on a gallery of Suzie Feldman because she’s pretty in a “I just woke up where’s my coffee I’m hotter than any girl you’ve ever dated and I know it” kind of way. Of course, the inevitable embarrassment will arrive when you let grandma play with your phone and she happens to stumble across your Gallery of Hornball but hey, that’s life!


AppAttack :D


TIP: Use your finger to look around. I spent a good 5 minutes walking around like an idiot until I discovered this.

And Now…For Something Different


This has nothing to do with the iPhone, my cat or your mother (well, maybe your mother) but I thought I’d bring your attention to it anyways. My brother and his friend Matt have started a website that brings attention to the lame crap many of us (myself included) post on Facebook. How often does one of your friends write, “Doing laundry…how boring!! I wish I was at the mall”? Or, “Going to the dentist”. WHO THE HELL CARES?!! I won’t name names because they may in fact actually read this site, but I know someone that let’s the world know EVERY SINGLE THING she does and it drives me CRAZY!!! You wanna tell them to shut up but, you can’t. You can, however, show the entire world how idiotic they are:


To copy your friend’s lameness: Hold down the Command key, then the Shift key and then press the #4 key. This will turn your mouse pointer into “crosshairs” where you then can create a square in which to make a “snap shot” of your friend’s BS. Look on your desktop for said friend’s BS and then send it to:


Checkout Dem Graphics, Yo!


One notable game that has come out recently, has been praised for it’s incredible graphics. I’d have to agree it’s by far one of the best display of graphics the iPhone has yet to see. I was personally floored when I first began playing the game. The frame rate is smooth, the details are well polished and the over all controls work fantastically for a mobile game. What game was I so impressed with? You’ve heard of it, it’s called 2XL Supercross(iTunes link). For example, check out level one:



Creed of an Assassin


I spent all day trying to think of a funny story regarding me, Muffins or Grandma and I can’t. Because it’s Tuesday? Most likely. I still don’t like Tuesdays…there’s just something weird about’em. So instead of losing what little brain cells I have left, I thought I’d let a picture do the talking. As they say, “a picture’s worth nothing, really. In fact, when it all boils down to it, it’s merely a piece of paper with a stained image on it. Now, the image may in fact be worth a million words but alas, a picture is only worth the few cents you paid for it”….or something to that extent.





If you’ll take a minute and study the above photo you’ll find something funny. It’s taken from a level in Assassin’s Creed(iTunes link) I beat a few days ago. It’s a cut away transition the lead character takes from being at a market to going underground. What’s so funny? Notice the skeleton at the entrance. The general public has access to the sewer…and they’re all around. How come no one picked up a dead body?! And how lazy must a person be to sit at the very entrance and die like that?! WTF?! I found it funny. And the game? Well, ten dollars is A LOT (and a little cocky on Gameloft’s part) but the game is a lot of fun. It’s much more like Prince of Persia than Assassin’s Creed. I’ve played (and loved) both but it certainly leans more towards PoP. Your character moves a little too fast in some situations but with endless lives, you learn to get over it. I keep coming back to it so it must be a good game, right? Or maybe I just wanna make sure my ten dollars was put to good use ;) . If you’re a Prince of Persia fan, take the leap. If you liked the calm, stalker/murder style of Assassin’s Creed, I’d stay away.


AppAttack :D  

Bikini Wax Nostalgia


I can’t remember what model it was but I could give you a time frame. I was in Middle School which would be approximately the early 90′s. I think the internet was just beginning along with genuine, aesthetically pleasing videogames that were ahead of their time (think Wolfenstein 3D). In what we called the “laundry room” my parents had a Macintosh computer which basically just sat there. My dad still enjoyed using a typewriter and my mother used the Mac for solitaire and practically nothing else. But in the 90′s it was cool to have a computer…even if you knew nothing about it. On this computer was an art program that my brother and I would mess around with. You had a handful of “brushes” to play with along with pre-made “stamps” of certain objects (ex: a man/woman, dog, buildings, automobiles…etc). When my parents weren’t home or in the other room, I would take the stamp of the woman, erase her clothes and add two sexy square nipples. True story. Ya can’t blame me though…it was right smack in the middle of the ravaging war of puberty.



I’m pretty sure the game you see above, called AliceX (iTunes link), was not on the computer. If it was, I’m sure I would have played the hell out of it. And I would have been grateful to it, as it would have kept me and my hormones out of trouble. You’re given the role of Alice and your goal is to take out the other chess pieces as quickly as you can. At first you can move Alice around as if she was a Queen chess piece. Then she’s denoted to other chess pieces as the game progress, Pawn being the last (I think…I hadn’t made it too far). I’ve found the game to be a great, quick little distraction while sitting on the couch, doing laundry or while someone’s talking to me. It’s very primitive graphic-wise but that’s what happens when you take an old game and put it on a new system. If you like chess, I think you’ll enjoy this game.


AppAttack :D   

Syphilis D. Pennington


Being a freshly single bachelor again, I often like to keep myself clean. And by clean, I mean that I like to take showers. And by showers, I mean that there are plenty of shampoos and conditioners that need to come with a warning saying it will burn like hell fire the next time you pee. All the single guys in the house say, “HELL YEAHHH”. You know what I’m talking about.

If you listen to me rant on Twitter, you know that I’m (now impatiently) waiting for Car Jack Streets to arrive. I don’t know necessarily why I’m so eager to get the game…it may or may not suck. Most likely it all goes back to “wanting what you can’t have”. In the mean time, I’m searching for something to help me get my “fix”. And I’ve found the perfect solution, Ignite. Ignite is a platforming game in which you try to get your character (an awesome looking little dude on fire) from one end of the world to the other without falling to your death. But it’s not like Mario, control wise. You have to project your little man from one platform to the other…no D pad or tilt controls here folks. You move your finger and a line (what looks similar to a stream of piss) appears and you then must approximate where you want him to land. Some platforms burn as soon as you hit which makes some levels very challenging. Though frustratingly difficult at times, the need to “play one more level” constantly whispers in your ear. It’s one helluva game and I highly recommend you pick it up. I’m already anxious to play it again just talking about it…after a quick shower ;)


AppAttack :D   

Putt Putt


Growing up, we had a place called Putt Putt Golf that was a popular hangout for kids. You probably would better recognize it as “miniature golf”. In it’s most basic form, it was simply a putting green with obstacles that made getting your ball in the whole a little more strategic. What made Putt Putt Golf the best miniature golf business in town was the “Amazon” like theme surrounding it. There were giraffes eating from the trees, zebras begging you to look at their anuses and even a hippopotamus arrogantly opening his mouth at you, as if to say, “I will eat your ball eventually because you suck at this”. It was a whole lot of fun for your usually boring Saturday night. What I didn’t like about the place, was the fact that none of the animals were true representations of what they looked like in real life. To fix this, I spent my entire junior year in high school art class making paper-mâché genitals for all the animals. By summer time, all of the animals had beautiful penises and vaginas that best represented how they would appear in real life. (I later received a lifetime banishment from the place, but there will always be a place in my heart for Putt Putt Golf).

Mini Golf Ace is the most simplistic, basic (shall I say Modern?) looking miniature golf game in the Appstore. There’s no “frills” at all about this game. You’re given a ball, and shown where the hole is…that’s it. Some people complain about the tilt viewing, but I like it. The controls are a little bit iffy but with a future update, I’m sure this game will be a lot of fun. I’ve played (often terribly) through the given 18 holes and have even deleted it from my phone. “Why even tell us this shit?” you ask your monitor while your Mother replies, “What’d you say honey?” from the other room. Because I really like the “no frills” simplicity of this game. I think the developers are going somewhere with this so I’m eagerly waiting for an update to see what comes next. Here’s hoping they come through…


AppAttack :D  



Alright, we all know television was created pretty much to distract you and keep your mind numb as well as encourage you to buy things you don’t need. There’s even a movie that preaches how crappy it is here (iTunes link, btw). Anyways, last night as I was bored to tears and somehow, desperately trying to entertain myself via television, this ad came on. Around the 10 second mark he says, “GAY or night”. Listen to it, then listen to it again and you’ll hear what I’m talking about. If you even watch his mouth, it appears he’s pronouncing a “g” and not a “d”. I could be wrong but I think it’s subliminal advertising. SHIT!! Muffins is taking a dump in my tinfoil hat…gotta go!!

Spring Cleaning


As you can tell, there have been few new posts mentioned recently. Fear not my loyal reader! I have plenty in store for you in the next few days/weeks to follow. I’m currently wanting to “mix up” this site a little so that there will be more content for your viewing pleasure. Got any questions or suggestions? Hit me up on Twitter or send an email to the team here at iPhoneAppAttack!! (…five minutes later and I can’t get the email link working…how about some good ol’ copy & paste for you? ;)



As always, I love hearing from you and hope all is well!!


Take care,


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