I’m gonna drop a bomb, like my name was Donkey Kong.

Don’t get me wrong, I got a small dong.

It’s not very long, in fact it looks wrong.

It’s kinda freaky, my girlfriend calls it “squeaky”.

She never touch it, but maybe once a weeky.

Now I’m makin’ lyrics up, by sayin’ wassup?

It’s what I do, it’s who I am.

I’m the gingerbread man.

Word!

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Ever so slowly, I’m understanding the world known as “Twitter”. And with “a face only a mother could love” (she doesn’t) I’ve decided to use a real picture of myself for my profile. It’s not something I would normally consider doing.

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Getting old has it’s disadvantages, trust me. Being 72 years old and living with a goofy delivery man and his beautiful (but soon to be fat) Jersey wife, I’ve had my share of trouble.

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Sitting here on the couch, beer in one hand, iPhone in the other (Muffins taking a shit on the carpet), I can’t believe the holidays have come and gone. It’s been a great year here, at iPhoneAppAttack Studios. I look forward to another great year and I hope to post more “reviews” soon. I say that…I’ll probably get ran over by a stampede of wild goats tomorrow, hell bent on seeking revenge against their shepherd for hitting them with that stick. I better knock on wood…there, I’m good. I hope you spend this evening reflecting on all the good things that have happened this past holiday season. Your dad getting a haircut. Your mom recovering from the syphilis she got from the mailman. Your sister finally becoming hot enough to date men twice her age. And your brother coming out of the closet (only to go back in once he heard your homophobic uncle Bert was coming for Christmas dinner). There’s a lot to be thankful for and I hope you had a great holiday. I wanna say thank you to “Mr. Anonymous” for sending me the fruitcake shaped like Muffins. It looked absolutely nothing like him and tasted awful. But it’s the thought that counts, so thank you. Take care and stay tuned…I have more personal stories of my housesitting days at Pee Wee’s Playhouse I’d like to share with you soon.

Below is a heartwarming email I wanted to share with you, being the holiday season and all. It’s always wonderful to hear positive words from complete strangers. Sometimes, the world really does seem small.

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For Christmas this year Santa brought me a sty (maybe sty’s are the new “coal”?). It’s frickin’ annoying and I look even more ugly than I normally do. Seriously, instead of people just looking away when I’m in public, they now look away and throw up. Embarrassing. Check out this video I found on how to treat a sty. Hilarious isn’t it?! Watch when step #3 roles around…you’d think they would have said, “Peggy, spit your gum out before we shoot”. She’s probably some crazy diva rockstar bitch. Also note the doctor…he looks like he’s about to kick the patient’s ass. Good stuff!

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My mother moved a lot when I was in high school. Unfortunately, we moved to a city where I got picked on by this guy named John and all his buddies. They were relentless when it came to harassing me. It wasn’t until our kind neighbor, a man fascinated by bonsai trees, did I learn how to stick up for myself.
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They say the holiday season is depressing for many people. I know exactly what they mean…

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Since the tender age of eight, I’ve had a unique fondness for underwater cave exploration.
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What if I take a wild concept and do a review over a review?! Would that not be crazy?! Well put this in your pipe and smoke it…or don’t, your mother loves you.

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