I’m a loner, Dottie.

admin — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 19:46:03 +0000

Most people don’t know this about me but I’m a rebel. I’m crazy. I’m a wild man at a party you don’t wanna attend. When people tell me not to do something, I always do it. A mad man on the prowl, I’m fearless. When someone says, “Don’t walk on the grass”, I LAY in it. When people say “Don’t cross the street without looking both ways”, I cross the street blindfolded on my BARE HANDS. When someone says, “Don’t sit in that chair, the paint’s still wet” you’ll catch me walking down the street butt-naked covered in blue. If someone tells me, “Don’t stick your pinky in that elephant’s butthole” I’ll be picking peanut shells out of it’s teeth. I’ve always been a crazy kinda guy. It’s just who I am…it’s in my blood.

So when my cousin Randall told me not to download We Rule (iTunes) because it’s addictive, I downloaded it, put it on my iPhone, deleted it, and then downloaded it again. They don’t teach you this in school, son. And I’ll be the first to admit, Randall was right. We Rule is a surprisingly addictive little free game that bites you in the ass when you least expect it. It being free, I had to take a shot at it. And I’m glad I did…shockingly, I’ve been playing the game daily ever since it’s release. Now, I’ve never played Farmville (and I secretly shout profanities at my friends when I check Facebook because I could give a rat’s ass that they found some stupid cow on their farm. And no, you can’t trade rat’s asses on Farmville so don’t even look) but I assume We Rule plays on the same premises. You start off with a modest little fortress and work your way to a full-blown kingdom that would make Tinkerbell jealous. By raising crops and creating businesses your friends can purchase a variety of things from, you make money and upgrade bit by bit. Crops grow in real time so if you know you’ll be having lunch at noon and can afford to check on them while your coworkers talk your ear off about how that fat bitch Borisha is nothing but a slut that has slept her way to the top and the only reason her desk is nicer than anyone else’s is because she wears that skanky looking top that offers any guy that happens to look her way a slight glance of her nipple which, if you really look at it, is kind of a funny color. She probably should have it looked at but who knows, she might end up having sex with her dermatologist and not ever finding real results which may in fact, help her in the future, it’d be a good time to plant the pumpkins because they grow in three hours and it’s only 9am. The one problem that I found somewhat difficult for others is that you have to have online friends in order to advance in the game. Most people who play simple games like We Rule probably don’t have a lot of friends they know online, so if none of their real life friends have the game, they most likely won’t continue playing it. If you happen to be one of these people, hit me up on Twitter and I’ll be your friend. Hell, you can visit my awesome castle and we can have cocoa while throwing marshmallows at the lowly peasants down below. We Rule is certainly a fun game I encourage you to try. You can purchase what the game calls “mojo” to advance quicker in the game but I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ve gotten far enough a long in the game without paying one cent. However, because I like the game, I may throw a dollar their way to show my support. The woman next to me just told me “not to proofread out loud because this is a library and you’re suppose to be quiet”. I’m gonna go have sex with the card catalog…

AppAttack

See How My Garden Grows?

admin — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 22:23:08 +0000

I noticed recently that Muffins’ litterbox is seldom full of cat feces. Every time I go to empty it nowadays, all I find are empty vodka bottles Grandma has left behind. Being a cat owner, I began to wonder if Muffins had some dietary disfunction or if Grandma was simply scaring him away from the litterbox by throwing her bottles at him (she’s afraid of cat farts…for some reason or another, she believes if you inhale a cat fart it takes 9 years out of your life).

It wasn’t until Judy (a hot MILF that lives about 5 houses down from us) left an angry letter on Grandma’s doorstep that I’d figured out what was wrong. The letter read, “Why don’t you keep that damn cat inside?! It’s because of your stupid, lazy-eyed cat that my daughter (Samantha) is using our front lawn as a toilet”. Then it hit me. On my way home from my daily job (of wiping off public urinals) I realized, all of the local kids were dropping deuces in their neighbor’s yard. I saw Timothy (that little kid that keeps rice in his braces for when he gets hungry) being chased off of Miss Wertherford’s lawn with a broom. As I turned the corner, I saw Elizabeth (that really chubby girl that hops everywhere because she likes the way it feels) being scolded by Mr. Berring. And to make matters worse, when I arrived home I saw my own grandmother squatting behind the oak tree in our backyard, taking a dump. On second thought, she does that all the time.

Plants vs. Zombies (iTunes) is one heck of an addicting game. It came out last February and most likely you already own but if you don’t, you’re truly missing out. It’s a game that deserves all 5 stars and each glowing review I would have to agree with. The object of the game is to keep zombies from your home by planting odd plants throughout your yard. What’s addicting is each new plant that you’re given once you move farther along in the game. Every plant has it’s own method of defense or attack so you have to plan ahead as to how best protect your house. This is one of those games that I don’t press Start unless I know I have at least 30 minutes to kill because I know it’s gonna take up that much (if not more) of my time. Like I said, you probably already own it thus, this review is useless but I wanted to write an article about kids taking dumps in neighbor’s yards. That’s funny shit…pun intended.

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Fairy Floss

admin — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 00:00:13 +0000

Joe “Fairy Floss” Deminius is our local neighborhood cotton candy maker. He has an awesome, pimped out cotton candy machine that he rolls around the neighborhood, giving the delicious sugary spun treat to all the boys and girls ($3). His wife left him about six years ago after doctors told her that her daily diet of cotton candy was incredibly unhealthy. They had a child together, Gumpster, but he rarely comes outside of Joe’s apartment. Gumpster unfortunately is constantly sticky. Playing games like duck, duck, goose or red rover (not to mention any card or board game) is a persistent challenge for the poor boy. I spoke to him one time after Muffins had climbed into his tree chasing a bird. “Get your shitty cat out of my tree!” he yelled from his window on the second floor. “I’m trying to…just give me a minute” I said, as I reached for Muffins’ tail. Gumpster began counting, “one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand…”. By the time he got to forty six one thousand his father Joe had arrived, strolling his cart home from a hard day of work. “Son, why are you counting out loud in front of an open window?” he asked Gumpster. “Because that dipshit won’t get his stupid cat out of our tree”, Gumpster answered, pointing his small pudgy finger in my direction. “Hello, Mr. Deminius”, I said bashfully, “my cat Muffins is in your tree “. “Well ain’t that a booger bear” Joe said with a smile. “Here, stand on my knee and I bet you can reach him” he said kneeling down. Standing on Joe’s knee proved to be the perfect height I needed in order to reach Muffins. With a swift motion, I grabbed Muffins by his collar and took him out of the tree. Muffins gently landed on the soft grass and then, like a burst of lightening, ran across the street into Mrs. Hearing’s maple tree. “Thanks for helping me get my cat Mr. Deminius” I said. “Anytime, my friend. Here, have some cotton candy”. The delicious sugary spun treat softly melted in my mouth. Joe began rolling his cotton candy machine up the apartment steps when I noticed something different about his cotton candy. “Joe!” I yelled, “wait up! There’s something different about your cotton candy”. Joe rolled his cotton candy machine back down the steps. “Well son, I was hoping you didn’t notice. A lot of the children are complaining but I just don’t know what to do about it. I tried changing the color to blue but that doesn’t seem to help”. As the second bite melted in my mouth I realized a tiny crunch. “Summertime is always the hardest on my business. I enjoy a good winter freeze”. Again, I noticed a peculiar crunch with each bite I took. “You see, in the winter there’s hardly any bugs out. Summertime, all the bugs come out. Sometimes, I think they personally hate cotton candy. Like it’s some kind of enemy or something”. Looking down into Joe’s cotton candy machine, I realized a multitude of different bugs had gotten stuck inside the bowl. Politely, I spit out the last bite I took and handed Joe’s cotton candy back to him. “You know what I would do if I were you?” I asked, removing a bug’s leg from my front teeth. “I would put a canopy above your cotton candy bowl so that bugs won’t fly into it”. “That’s damn good advice, my friend, damn good advice”, Joe said with a confident smile. Dumpster shut his bedroom window.

Impulse Soccer (iTunes) is a turn based soccer (football as it’s originally called but for some reason Americans don’t understand this) game. Before the match begins, you select where you want your soccer player to go. The object is to obviously get the soccer ball in the goal three times to win. Some of the soccer players themselves can fall into the goal creating a better opportunity for your team to win, as there are less players on the field. The game itself requires a bit of strategy and personally, I’m not very good at it. I’m writing to tell you not necessarily about the game, but more about the developer. He approached me via Twitter (follow him!!!) and asked if I would like to give his game a shot. I complied and seven years later, I’ve written a review. The number one reason I like this game is because of the developer. He politely encouraged me to give him any feedback that would help make the game better and was open to constructive criticism. Why? Because he enjoys making iPhone applications. It’s a passion he has much like many small time developers who sadly, have been overshadowed by larger companies that have the bigger teams, more money and greed to take your hard earned buck. When I first started this website most of the games/apps I reviewed were from the “little guy” passionate about the possibilities the iPhone had to offer. I miss those guys. Today, it seems all the larger companies are taking the spotlight away from smaller developers who are just as fervent, if not more so, of creating an application. It sucks but I hope they stay strong and stick with what they’re passionate about. In closing, I’ll share some “food for thought”. A friend of mine has a deep love of photography. Not digital photography, but true photography. When asked why he doesn’t sell his photographs and make some big money he answered, “If I got payed for it, I wouldn’t love it so much”.

AppAttack

Where’d You Go, Psycho Boy?

admin — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:31:11 +0000

Without sounding like your average 8 year old child, screaming and crying after being denied a piece of candy at your local grocery store (kids are pussies these days), I won’t throw a bitch-fit here in explaining why I haven’t updated my site for so long. I will however, say that I got burned out. Burned out at what? Fondling yourself on someone’s front doorstep while ringing their doorbell incessantly only to run away when they answer? No, are you kidding me?! That NEVER gets old. I got burned out on apps. When you run a significant life affirming website like this, you receive hundreds if not thousands of emails a day, asking you to review their iPhone application (OK, maybe not that many). Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take any promo codes you wanna give me. What I got tired of was the “bribes” of putting a certain bias towards applications/games that just weren’t that good. Not all developers take the low road but some do and it made me think differently of all the websites I visit to learn about apps I would like to purchase. Say whaaat? You mean to tell me you read other reviews besides your own to find out if an app is worth buying? Sadly, I do. I know this website is the #1 most popular iPhone app related website in the entire world and that some have even left their alcoholic, drug induced, prostitute loving lifestyle behind after visiting here only once but yes, there are other websites regarding iPhone applications. So, without complaining anymore (and because I need to go clean up the spaghetti I left in Grandma’s pillowcase) know that any application I approve of here is from the heart and not because someone told me to like it. That’s why I started this website in the first place.

AppAttack

Miss Universe 2009

admin — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:25:46 +0000

Having your own website can be awesome at times. Because you can slowly start a cultural revolution by changing one person at a time? No. Because you can bring sunshine and rainbows to a sad person’s face? No. Stop asking questions and let me explain what I mean, dammit. Having your own website can allow other’s to hear your voice. Let me explain further…

perfect

You see, when you have your own website, other people find it most likely be searching for it. For example, let’s say I enjoy talking about parrots and how their feathers can either turn people into serial killers OR that their colorful feathers can make random people make love in the streets simply by looking at them. I then go home and start a website regarding said topic. Now let’s then pretend I’m some random guy who for some reason or other, started to think about parrot’s and their impact on our social behavior one afternoon while riding the bus home from work. As soon as I get home, I turn on my computer and begin searching for the idea I had on the bus.

sexy

By using search words like, “colorful feathers”, “parrots”, “love” and “people” I find the website I’m looking for- www.lovehateparrots.com. Now, if I was the owner of the website I could learn what terms people are using to find my website and either capitalize on the previous words or come up with different words to gain even more attention. What the hell does this have to do with anything, you ask? Well, simply put, there’s a woman named Gemma Massey (NSFW video link…but I’m a little late telling you that anyways so GO FOR IT!!) who is a British Playboy model who is all kinds of perfect. Gemma Massey is (I think) around 25 years old which is 6 years my senior. Do I even know what ” (xx) years my senior” means? No. I have no clue how to even use that method of measurement so if you’re doing the math, you’re wasting your time. The fact is, she appears to be a cute, perfectly sized woman with a beautiful face and a voice that I would actually enjoy listening to on the phone. Apparently, she’s engaged (from what Grandma tells me) but I still would like her to know that I’d totally be down for a date any time she’s in the area. Of course, she does do nude photo shoots so if you’re google’ing her at work, be careful. I think I’m about done singing praises to Gemma Massey…of course, I could go on all day but you’re probably bored reading about this. In fact, you could be reading the rest of this at home because dumbass over here forgot to slap a “NSFW” sticker on this post before it was too late and you got yelled at by your boss. If so, I apologize. But now that you’re home, check out hot photos of the beautiful and gorgeous Gemma Massey.

call me

OK. Do you see what I’ve done here? I went on a rant talking about how hot Gemma Massey is. Now, if she’s one of those celebrities that likes to look up what the Internet is saying about her, BAM! she may in fact be reading this very sentence. Hopefully, she’ll eagerly look up my email address and the next time she’s in town she’ll be like, “Hey Mr. AppAttack! I just got a divorce from my ugly fiance and I really wanna go watch a little league soccer match. Gimme Gemma a call (get it? “gimme”…”Gemma”? LOL xoxox) and let’s have a beer and make out”. So wish me luck, my dear readers. And holla at me Gemma

Oh…and before I forget. I discovered the beautiful, incredibly perfect Gemma Massey in the app Hot 100 Sexy Stars (iTunes). The link is for the free version which may or may not have the sexy and angelic Gemma Massey.

>:-[

admin — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 15:27:25 +0000

If you visit this site often, looking forward to riotous laughter each and every day, then I apologize. Lately, there hasn’t been anything worth writing about. Well, the last couple of days there seems to be more and more apps coming out so I’m not completely being honest. What I’d like to say is that I know what it’s like when you check on a website to see if anything new has come about, only to be disappointed when the dumbass website owner hasn’t done shit. Bare with me. I have a pretty nice article I’m working on that I hope to have out by this weekend. What that means is that if I were you, I would come back tomorrow. Go ahead and spend today digging around your other favorite websites. See? What other website tells you that there won’t be anything new for a little while? That’s iPhoneAppAttack for ya…leading the World Wide Web in new and revolutionary ways. Just watch…other websites will take my lead.

AppAttack

Le Miserables

admin — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:29:46 +0000

This afternoon, being bored with my thousands of millions of songs on my iPod, I decided to look for a radio app. I discovered Wunder Radio (iTunes) and, believing lunch to be a waste of my hard earned money, took it upon myself to fork over 7 bucks to buy it. So far, I’m really impressed. You can choose between your local radio (which everyone thinks their local radio sucks…just ask anyone) or listen to something across the globe. Many reviews in iTunes claim they have a poor reception or that they’ll lose the reception altogether but I never came across this issue. It does take a little while to get a stream going but who doesn’t have five seconds to spare? I look forward to spending some more time with the app to add more radio stations. The idea of listening to something someone somewhere far away from me is listening to gives me a warm feeling. In fact, this afternoon I listened to a radio station in Paris. When Grandma woke up (I had just picked her up from her morning Bridge party. She passed out drunk half way through the game) she had no clue what we were listening to. I wrote on the back of a receipt that, “the world decided to adopt a new language” and that she had been passed out for so long, she missed learning it. Now when she says something to me I just act confused and ask her to draw pictures of what she’s trying to say. I’ll probably tell her I was only joking after dinner.

AppAttack

Hood Rats

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:30:10 +0000

For the past two weeks I’ve been hanging out at our local school park jamming to my boombox, singing along with whatever song happens to be on Radio Disney. Most the kids around me will stop playing Jacks or Hopscotch and start singing along with me or break out in crazy dance moves the likes of which, many haven’t seen. We all give each other high fives, trade baseball cards, sip Kool-Aid and laugh about how Miss Folinger has a huge mole on her face that looks like Abraham Lincoln (for the record, I have never met Miss Folinger so if she is in fact reading this, I would like to extend my deepest apologies if these children are rude to you. I don’t encourage it and will try my best to teach them to be nice). Grandma likes me to be home around 5 o’clock because Happy Hour is just getting started and she likes to be first in line (although there is no “line”, it just makes her feel good). It’s around this time that I ask the kids if they wanna jam with me down the street. For the most part, they all join me and we make our way down Cheshire Avenue singing and bopping along. We all have such a great time. We laugh, throw rocks at pigeons and occasionally buy ice cream if the Ice Cream man’s truck happens to swing by. Why do all of this, you ask? Well, Grandma lives in one of the world’s most dangerous neighborhoods. People are getting robbed and shot here all the time. But the thing is, and this is a trick you can use yourself, people don’t rob/attack other’s when there’s kids around. Unless of course you’re the parents of Bruce Wayne, most would-be attackers will just leave you alone. It’s a fantastic trick I’d encourage anyone to use.

Soosiz (iTunes) is the closest the iPhone has come to a Mario-like game yet. Yes, claiming a game is like Mario can be considered blasphemy to some but, I’m being serious here. In the game Soosiz, you simply roam around a spinning world looking for lost children. Some children give you enhancements (speed, jump, etc) while others just follow you around like your cat does when it’s time for dinner. The developer of the game borrowed heavily in some ways from the Mario universe (see photo above) but it’s not to the point of copy/past blandness that most imitators give you. The game is packed with plenty of different worlds and levels along with boss battles that at times, can be difficult. It’s challenging but not “throw my iPhone at my sister’s head, rip every page of my library book, take a dump on my neighbor’s porch” kind of challenging. I’ve yet to come to the point of abandoning the game in frustration. If you want a good side scrolling game that is similar to Super Mario Bros I’d highly recommend you give Soosiz a spin.

AppAttack

Freaks, Geeks & Weirdos

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:00:09 +0000

I’ve long been a fan of circus sideshows. Not the circus, mind you, they treat their animals like shit and I don’t care at all for them (are they even still around?). I like “human oddities” simply because they’re incredibly unique in their own way, miles above what normal boring people are like. The book Mutants: On Genetic Variety and the Human Body was written by Armand Marie Leroi and is an incredibly well written, fascinating study of the different types of humans in this world and how they physically became who they are/were genetically. I couldn’t put the book down for very hours on end it’s that good. If you see a copy, grab it. Tod Browing’s Freaks (iTunes) is a film loosely based on how the public interprets people who are different. If you’re too lazy to read a book, check out this film. There’s one cast member (I can’t remember his name at the moment) who has no arms or legs and yet manages to light a cigarette. I always wonder how that man was treated outside of Hollywood. Anyways, both of these are worth checking out and I encourage you to do so.

See what I did just now? I took a topic in which I could have made a stupid joke or elaborated even further and created some messed up fictional story regarding my friends or family. But I didn’t. I’m like that new and horribly not funny gum commercial where everyone gets paid for their services in gum. I’ve got layers of flavor baby. Karnival (iTunes) is a game in which you travel the country (as a boy with a goat arm) and try to build up your karma, money, reputation and groupies. You’re given all the luxuries of a traveling carnival (food stands, amusement park rides, “freaks”..etc) and it’s your job entertain the townsfolk. I’m currently on my third city but from what hours I’ve spent playing the game, I love it. There’s a lot to learn and I haven’t quite yet figured it all out but spending time with the game is a pleasure. I hope with future updates you can zoom in even closer to see more animations (ex: the picture above is the bearded lady. It’d be awesome if she was moving around and doing crap although I don’t know how easy this would be to create). The asking price is a little high so if you’re short on cash, keep an eye out for any spontaneous price drop. It’s certainly worth looking into if you like these kinds of games.

AppAttack

Cold Case

admin — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:50:06 +0000

What up homeslice?! Where ya at and how ya been?! That’s how I always answer my phone…even if it’s Grandma calling. She always giggles coyly and then proceeds to tell me how useless I am and that it’s my fault she’s outta vodka. It’s usually at this time that I simply turn around and pour her another drink. She always calls me back to apologize and tells me that she didn’t mean it. Again, I just turn around in my little chair and give her a pat on the head. Anyways, I’ve been out with a darn cold/flu/crap lately so I haven’t had just a whole lot of time to mess around with the App Store. I did in fact download Doom Classic (iTunes) because I have fond memories of it growing up. I would get home from school, slap on the ol’ Sega 32X and blast away at demonic entities to relieve all the stress that comes with Middle School. And it helped. The iPhone port is just as good. I highly recommend it. Today, however, I wanted to tell you about a product. I often get emails asking, “Hey what case do you have on your iPhone? PS: I made roast beef tonight so you better come join me. You can bring Muffins IF you bring vodka as well. Love ya!”. So to answer all of your questions, I use a Speck CandyShell case. It’s one solid chunk of kick ass plastic that covers almost the entire phone and has two gut wrenching layers of protection. It’s easy to take off for cleaning not to mention, it slides in and out of your pocket like honey dripping from a bee’s ass. I love it. If you’ve spent thousands of dollars on cases and are still not satisfied, wake your dumbass up and pick up a CandyShell…you’ll thank me.

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