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All My Ex’s Live…Somewhere Else

My X Girlfriend (sadly, I can’t say iTunes because this app comes and goes depending on what mood Apple is in at the moment) was/is(?) an application in which you can send in pictures of your ex-girlfriend. The majority of what I’ve seen are fairly raunchy but not anything too nasty like you’d find with the Internet app (*cough*cough*). For example:

Not too bad, eh? I will warn you and say some are actually pretty racy but what do you expect with an application solely designed to embarrass your ex? My one and only complaint I have with this app is that the developers refuse to publish pictures I’ve sent in of my ex-girlfriend. For example, they sent me an email saying, “Dear Sir. We will not publish a picture of a chair but thank you.” Or another one I sent where my girl was in the shower and looking pretty damn hot along with another one where she was shaving her legs, the idiots replied, “Dear Sir. Why did you take a picture of a running shower? And why fill up your bathtub with no one in it?”. Stupid morons. This one picture I have of my ex was taken just after we “got busy”…it was HOT! Again, the numb nuts replied to my email with, “Dear Sir. Your bedroom looks awfully clean. We’re glad you know how to make your bed”. You know, come to think of it…I’ve never had a girlfriend. Hmm.

AppAttack :D

Man in the Mirror

I get asked possibly 1 & 1/2 times a year, “Michael, WHAT do you look like? With such literary genius and comical prose, you MUST be the best looking man in the entire world? Is this true?”. Honestly, I don’t think I’m too ugly. I was in fact voted “Best Looking Grandson” at our 2003 family reunion AND to this day Grandma tells me I’m “the most handsome boy she’s ever known despite what the ladies at the hair salon say”. So, yeah I’m not too ugly I guess. So that my Inbox doesn’t get flooded like the summer of 2006 I thought I’d post a picture of me for you all to see. It’s a simple snapshot of the one I use for my Twitter account.

What do you think? I’ll admit, it was done by a professional photographer down in Austin, Texas. Me and my brother decided to have our picture taken at a party and this was our “serious” pose. I actually know how to smile I just decided not to moments before this photo was taken. Yes, denim jackets are no longer in style so don’t even try to email me about it (Kathy, you stupid asshole). Ahh, whom I kidding? The above picture was photoshopped to death. Here’s an honest picture of what I look like (NSFW):

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Behind Door #3

 

If you’re anything like me, then, I feel sorry for you. Have you talked to your parents about it? Maybe your guidance counselor? What’d they say? That bad, huh? Well, I got no advice to offer here so good luck with that…sucka. I live in my own head the majority of the day and I have a great time doing so. It’s like Pee Wee’s Playhouse…minus the soccer coach, of course. When what goes on in your head would greatly offend others, the iPhone’s there to help.

 

 

Naughty Room

Naughty Room

 

Being lazy like that fat bastard of a cat Muffins, yesterday, I decided to peruse the Appstore’s “New” apps category for something…new. And I indeed did find something new called 3D Gallery (iTunes link). It’s a “3D” art gallery on your phone. You can move throughout several different rooms looking at different pictures of bugs having sex (kidding). What makes the application so damn cool is that you can use photos from your own photo gallery. If you’re like the annoying mother’s I see on Facebook, you could make an entire room dedicated to your (ugly) child to show friends and family (who don’t care) OR if you’re weird like me, you can make a whole room full of hot chicks. I’m working on a gallery of Suzie Feldman because she’s pretty in a “I just woke up where’s my coffee I’m hotter than any girl you’ve ever dated and I know it” kind of way. Of course, the inevitable embarrassment will arrive when you let grandma play with your phone and she happens to stumble across your Gallery of Hornball but hey, that’s life!

 

AppAttack :D

 

TIP: Use your finger to look around. I spent a good 5 minutes walking around like an idiot until I discovered this.

Rock Butt

 

And by “rock butt” I mean rock bottom. When I was a kid we called our asses our “bottoms” so maybe “rock butt” is how kids say rock bottom nowadays? Or maybe I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about and basically am just talking out of my ass? Better yet, I’m talking out of my cheeks. But then again, my butt cheeks can be related to the cheeks on my face. Nevermind…I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Moving on…last night I sat, watching my usual shows when a iPhone commercial came on. Sadly, there’s a few apps I’m (desperately) waiting to arrive but, lord knows when they’ll show (Yeah, I’m looking at YOU Mr. Car Jack Streets >:-[ !!!) . In the mean time I’m downloading anything that looks somewhat appealing. So last night, thanks to technology, I rewound the commercial and studied what apps I could see displayed on Grandma’s 32″ television. I saw one called Pano and decided to look it up. I found it but to my dismay it wasn’t free (remember I’m stealing from Grandma these days). Being the desperate man I am, I forked over the two bucks and honestly, I’m HIGHLY impressed with this application. From my lazy ass position on Grandma’s couch in the basement I tried it out and to my utter shock, came out with a PERFECT panoramic photograph (Muffins still trying to get to his litterbox was an added bonus). If you want to make perfect panoramic photographs of you in the lunch line, at the bank or on your friend’s toilet, this is THE app to buy. I love it!!

 

AppAttack :D

(It Don’t Matter If You’re) Black or White

 

Remember the video? Notice how the music stops playing when the father enters the room. Does this mean it was only in Macauly’s head? Also note that he kills his father by blasting him into deep space. Good stuff. I remember when the “morphing heads” at the end was the next BIG THING in the world of technology. Michael Jackson’s one cool mofo’ in my opinion. Back when I was a kid, he was seen as “bad” or what has now been “morphed” into the phrase “bad ass”. My generation’s male role model was a sissy, little skinny man that looked like he was having sex with the air around him when he danced. This world needs more James Dean.

 

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Seadragon Mobile

 

Microsoft has decided to dip it’s ugly, hairy, nasty ass looking toe in the appstore. And, in all honesty…it’s pretty.

 

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Pangea VR

 

For those with a new iPhone or iPod Touch I’d like to tell you about Pangea VR. I remember downloading it WAY back in the day, which could have been yesterday, come to think of it. It’s somewhat fallen behind the massive onslaught of all the new apps that are out but I feel as though it should be given another chance. It’s a fairly simple app that allows you to look around some certain destination in fully rendered 3D goodness. It kind of reminds me of when I use to just stand in one place and look around. I don’t do it very much anymore, but back in the day I was THE SHIT when it came to doing so. It’s free and certainly fun to mess with. I can’t remember if it works over Edge or not but I’d recommend Wifi anyways. Why no screenshot, you lazy bastard? Well, because it’s no longer on my iPhone but I REMEMBERED it this afternoon and wanted to tell you about it…that’s what counts. 

 

AppAttack :D

Attention Developers!

If you have created an iPhone Application and would like me to review it, please send me an email. I’ll gladly buy your App and give it a review. The ONLY expense you’ll pay is my honest review :) . (Or, if you’d like for me to give you personal feedback via private emails, I will be glad to do so as well). I downloaded the SDK myself, in hopes of developing the App of my dreams and it all went down the crapper. I understand how hard programming can be so I’ll be nice.

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