Flower

Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

I forgot to say…

CONGRATULATIONS!!! To all you new iPhone 3G S owners who’ve stumbled across this site by accident. You probably won’t be back and will ignore my phone calls but I’ll always remember when we first met. You mean the most to me and I want what’s best for both of us. I don’t know what I’m saying half the time. Anyways, I started this site awhile back because I had an unhealthy obsession with iPhone applications. I like/love talking about them so to save my family and friends the annoyance of, “hey, look at this”, I write here. Dig around and if you like whatever applications I’ve recommended (AppAttack :D ) or not liked (AppNapp :( ) then maybe I can help you have fun with your new phone. Again, congratulations and I’m proud of ya!!!

*Take the majority of what I say with a grain of salt. I’m seldom ever serious here. Unless I’m talking about shaving Vanilla Ice patterns in the heads of squirrels.

Relapse

 

I mentioned on Twitter recently how disgusted and offended I was by Eminem’s new album Relapse (iTunes link). Well, I take it back. I’m actually really enjoying this cd. There’s a few songs here that are completely, utterly and amazingly disgusting but there are a few catchy tracks too. I take back my criticism because after much thinking/debating I realized that hardly ANY artist today pushes the envelope the way Eminem does here. He’s expected to be funny and satirical but instead, he’s put out an album that deals with violently disgusting acts. You gotta love artists that can still shock nowadays. I’m also looking forward to Marilyn Manson’s The High End of Low album that’s coming out tomorrow. Should be good stuff!!

 

AppAttack :D   

 

 

Ehh…why not?

 

Alright, I wasn’t going to write about SuicideGirls – Flip Strip (iTunes link) but now I feel the need to. It’s incredibly easy to make a large amount of jokes regarding this application. But instead of taking the low road, I thought I’d take the high one this time. Maybe someone reading this will gain a tiny ounce of confidence or feel somewhat better about themselves after I share with you my worldly wisdom that soon will be available for all to read at your local Barnes and Noble bookstore. (Yes, I’m being sarcastic. I do have a couple of ideas that would make a great book however, I just don’t wanna be one of “those people” at Starbucks).

 

Clothes on...

Clothes on...

 

 

Flip Strip is simple and explains everything in the description. Remember the pen Gramps brought home from his trip to Hawaii. It was a simply a woman in a bikini but when you held the pen upside down, her clothes went back on. (On a personal note, do they even make pens like that anymore? I need to find me one sometime). Anyways, this application works the same way. Right side up, the girls have clothes on; upside down, they’re in their undies.

 

 

Clothes off...

Clothes off...

 

So why even mention it? Because this app reminds me of strip clubs. And strip clubs remind me of women. And women remind of arrogant pricks. If you’re fresh out of a relationship, having been dumped because of reasons unknown or maybe you have your eye on a cute girl in one of your classes but you think she only likes the stuck up asshole types, you owe it to yourself to visit a strip club. Don’t get all dressed up as if you’re going on a date or trying to impress the ladies, go as yourself. When you get there, grab a beer and find a good table/booth where you can see the entire bar. Now sit back and pay attention to all the people around you. Notice the frustrated female bartender. Notice the bored-out-of-his-mind-I’m-going-to-kill-someone-soon bouncer. Notice the happy little DJ spinning in his own little booth, most likely zoned out on pot. Notice the girl(s) on stage with their discontented, “I’ve got better things to do, why am I here” look on her face. And finally, notice the tail wagging, I look so damn cool with my hat sideways, she must dig me because I went to the gym yesterday asshole desperately waiting to be acknowledged at the feet of the dancer. See that guy? THAT’S your competition. The arrogant prick that “all the ladies love” is spending his money and time at a strip club. The conceited douche at the gym that you think the ladies must adore…behind you at table #3. The guy that broke sweet Kelly’s heart because he cheated on her with Rachel? Probably in the bathroom trying to take a piss. I always forget to tell my friends to visit strip clubs when they get dumped. What better way to be reminded than to have it written here, on the web? You can learn a lot by visiting such a place and for some reason or other, I’d recommend it. I also would ask that you treat the women who work there with respect. It’s their job and they’re trying to make a living in a way not many of us would even think about. And one more thing before I go: if you really wanna piss off the asshole I previously mentioned, ask a girl to sit and chat with you. She won’t stay long because the manager will get upset but spend some time talking and getting to know her. Ask her personal questions, avoiding anything sexually related. You’ll be shocked to find out she’s actually human too?! ;)

Phriday Phun Pick

 

See what I just did? Instead of using an “f” in the title, I used “ph” which sounds like “f” but it’s NOT!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! On Friday’s I’m CRAZY man…I live life on the EDGE!!! I’ll be all up in your Cheez Whiz with a nacho ninja lion attack KAZAAM! motherfucker!! Don’t mess with this!! Alright, sometimes even I don’t know what I’m saying. And because it’s Friday and the weekend is fast approaching (RIP Hedberg), I thought I’d post a picture of something funny. The following photograph was taken by my brother on a trip to San Francisco a few years ago. The guy holding the plants is actually a homeless guy. He would wait for an unsuspecting tourist to walk by and then “jump out” and scare them. What’s funny is that after he scared the living crap out of them, he would stick his hand out asking for change. THAT my friends, is how you can make money being homeless.

 

 

Boo!

Boo!

Pointless

 

I thought I’d post this video for the helluv it. I had a crush on her back when cassette singles (with their cute little cardboard jackets) could be purchased at the record store. Check out the guy with the Davey Crockett hat around the 30 second mark. Hats like that never have and never will be cool. Never ever. 

 

Pebbles

And Now…For Something Different

 

This has nothing to do with the iPhone, my cat or your mother (well, maybe your mother) but I thought I’d bring your attention to it anyways. My brother and his friend Matt have started a website that brings attention to the lame crap many of us (myself included) post on Facebook. How often does one of your friends write, “Doing laundry…how boring!! I wish I was at the mall”? Or, “Going to the dentist”. WHO THE HELL CARES?!! I won’t name names because they may in fact actually read this site, but I know someone that let’s the world know EVERY SINGLE THING she does and it drives me CRAZY!!! You wanna tell them to shut up but, you can’t. You can, however, show the entire world how idiotic they are:

http://www.lamebook.com

To copy your friend’s lameness: Hold down the Command key, then the Shift key and then press the #4 key. This will turn your mouse pointer into “crosshairs” where you then can create a square in which to make a “snap shot” of your friend’s BS. Look on your desktop for said friend’s BS and then send it to:

http://www.lamebook.com/submit

Передавать всемирно

 

Иногда может быть культурами трудного вникания различными. Как так? Потому что много из нас говорят в различных языках и много из нас слишком лениво для того чтобы выучить что-то новое. It’ стыд A.S., честно. Мы все имеем что-то, котор нужно выучить от одного другое. There’ части s мира I’ ve никогда не видимый но план к некоторому дню. И когда я делаю, я надеюсь что я могу поговорить/понимаю все, что угодно родной язык случается сказать так как мое отключение будет что очень приятно. Я часто забываю который не только может люди в Америка читают этот вебсайт, но почти весь мир может также. (Я угадываю I’ ve сместил и ударил мое головное одно слишком много времен на Grandma’ бутылки водочки s пустые для того чтобы понять такую просто принципиальную схему как интернет? Возможно ей нужна помощь? Я знаю http://babelfish.yahoo.com I’ старт ll подмеча их к углу кухни так как I’ выскальзование ll часто!). Когда I can’ t понимает чего некоторые телезрители говорят, я использует…. Он покрывает много популярных языков и очень полезн общаясь с моими друзьями от afar.

 

AppAttack :D

To Tweet Or…Screw Your Sister

 

“Not To Tweet” doesn’t apply here, folks. Tweeting is my most recent obsession (besides shaving Vanilla Ice like designs on squirrels heads) and it should be yours as well. I often receive emails saying, “Michael, I wake up covered in goo sometimes during the night. Is something wrong with me?”. I also get a few emails telling me, “What up homeslice?! I tried Twitter and that shit is lame. I’ll no longer be following whatever the hell you’re doing but I’ll definitely be reading your site, where I can find all the latest news regarding all things app related!” (yes, I added a little to it, but hey, sometimes lying makes you feel better about yourself). Many people try to tweet and then abandon it altogether. SO, I’ve decided to offer some advice for those new to the world of Twitter.

 

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Going to Austin

 

Yeah…I know, very unoriginal title. As I write this in my Superman underwear (morning Dr. Pepper in hand) my bags still need to be packed but as your friend and faithful lover (hey ladies ;) ) I wanted to let you know that I’m headed to Austin for a few days. If any of you will be at SXSW this coming week, email/tweet me and maybe we can meet up for a beer or something. I’ll have my trusty laptop with me so if a new app comes out that you must have, of course you’ll hear it from me first. As for now, I’m looking forward to getting out of town and hearing some new music. Hope you guys are all doing fantastic and I’ll be tweeting ya soon!! Take care!!

Captain Morgan’s Parrot

 

In the winter of 1997 my grandmother stole a parakeet from our local exotic pet shop (next to Ted’s Laundromat off of Kaisley street). Her being allergic to anything with fur, I only had turtles and lizards during my late 20′s so a bird was a welcome change in our household.
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