Archive for the ‘Games’ Category

Judo CHOP!

One more story about Muffins and then I’ll change the subject. Or will I? Hell, I could talk nonstop about Muffins and you’d probably love it. For all I know you’re some crazy cat lady that only visits this site because I mention Muffins every now and then. You may sure as hell not even own an iPhone. Alright…I know, I know, I know. You found this website by accident and are actually shocked that you made it this far along reading this paragraph. Still there? Welcome! Now here’s my story…and it’s actually true (but you think all of these stories are true? Riiight ;) ). Muffins is the first cat I’ve ever owned. I’ll save you my childhood melodramatics and simply say, we weren’t allowed anything with hair growing up. So, like anyone else, I was ecstatic to own a cat when grandma said I could keep him. Cats are amazing creatures. They’re completely aware of their surroundings almost at all times. A fun game I’ve been playing since Muffins was a tiny kitten is to actually sneak up on him. What’s the score? Zero to 546. I have yet to properly scare the bejesus out of Muffins but I try almost every day. Just ONE time, I’d absolutely love to make him jump a mile in the air. He’d most likely just turn around, jump on my face and claw my eyes out of their sockets (because he can) so it’s probably best I haven’t won yet.

Silent Swords (iTunes) is a game I keep kicking myself in the nutz for not telling you about. I’ve had it on my Touch since probably the day it came out. You’re simply a little round headed ninja that has to kill a handful of guards to open a door and advance to the next level. Sounds easy, right? I’ve been stuck on the above level (see picture) for quite some time. I know what to do, I just can’t do it. I’m one of those kinds of players that gives up fairly easily, crying to my grandma until she soothes me with her “magic water” (I know it’s not magical water…it’s vodka. But hell, it’s a free shot and it makes me feel better about being such a pathetic gamer). Silent Swords ramps up in difficulty rather quickly and the controls do take some getting use to but I love stealth games. It’s a little like being Sam Fisher with a sword (for all my nerdy game players in the house. Hollaaa!!).

AppAttack :D

You’ll Go Blind

Applications are no different than masturbation. We all do it, but we seldom share the fact. Sure, it’s fun to joke about or laugh at when seen in a movie or to hear a friend’s personal story. But when it comes down to it (no pun intended…wait, this is my site so I CAN have a pun intended so take it. Yeah, that’s right, take it. Who’s your daddy? whoah whoah WHOAH!!! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get off (dammit…did it again) on a tangent. But my point is, all of us download applications to our phone and we seldom show our friends. Maybe for a minute or two, but in all honesty, we want our phones back from their greasy little vasoline covered digits because we know, in our heart of hearts, we know they’re gonna drop the damn thing and bring our world to an end.

When I found out Redwind Software had created a music trivia game I was about as excited as you were the first time you saw a Playboy. As you know (because you’re faithful to this site which sits lovingly in your bookmark folder) I was a big fan of their Movie Challenge (iTunes) game. It was perfect for parties and definitely great to pass around while killing time at a friend’s house. (On a side note, I admire how the developers consistently updated Movie Challenge. It was their “baby” and they treated it with a whole bunch of love. I tip my hat to you, Redwind Software). Music Challenge (iTunes) is just as great, if not better than Movie Challenge. What makes you say that? And why are you talking about masturbation? you ask. I’ll answer the former.

Music Challenge gives you the opportunity to use your own music as trivia questions. The first time you see the game ask you about Starflyer 59 (the absolute best rock band…EVER) you’ll pass out in line at the grocery store. I know I did. You must have a fairly large library in order for this to work but when it does, it’s fricken sweet. I also like how the difficulty of the game changes with each round. One round (as seen above) I couldn’t get one answer right, another round I was like John Cusack in High Fidelity. The overall variety of the game is what it makes it an instant download in my opinion. For long distant car rides, this game would be perfect to keep you busy. And I’ll say it again, if you’re a socialite like me who attends wine tasting parties each night of the week (it’s hard living in Hollywood) then this is a great party app. Friends of all ages can play it (unless you have the absolute shittiest taste in music, in which your iPhone/iPod Touch should be dropped. Yeah, I said it). If you enjoyed Movie Challenge or just trivia games in general, be sure to pick up Music Challenge too. For now, I’m gonna go look up some “stuff” on the internet before Grandma gets back from happy hour.

AppAttack :D

Man in the Mirror

I get asked possibly 1 & 1/2 times a year, “Michael, WHAT do you look like? With such literary genius and comical prose, you MUST be the best looking man in the entire world? Is this true?”. Honestly, I don’t think I’m too ugly. I was in fact voted “Best Looking Grandson” at our 2003 family reunion AND to this day Grandma tells me I’m “the most handsome boy she’s ever known despite what the ladies at the hair salon say”. So, yeah I’m not too ugly I guess. So that my Inbox doesn’t get flooded like the summer of 2006 I thought I’d post a picture of me for you all to see. It’s a simple snapshot of the one I use for my Twitter account.

What do you think? I’ll admit, it was done by a professional photographer down in Austin, Texas. Me and my brother decided to have our picture taken at a party and this was our “serious” pose. I actually know how to smile I just decided not to moments before this photo was taken. Yes, denim jackets are no longer in style so don’t even try to email me about it (Kathy, you stupid asshole). Ahh, whom I kidding? The above picture was photoshopped to death. Here’s an honest picture of what I look like (NSFW):


Just Do It

I’m not going to go into great detail on this application because I don’t need to. Nor do I want to. I’m always telling you stuff…you never talk. It’s almost like we’re breaking up or something. What happened to the friendship we use to have? Remember that time I beat up Elroy Dimmitri after he called your mom a slut? Or how about that time you didn’t have any cash and I gave you the money I was gonna use on the following weeks laundry? Remember? It’s almost like we’re just not friends anymore? After all we’ve been through?! You hardly ever talk to me anymore. Hell, you never talk to me. I guess because it’s pretty much a one way street in regards to the internet. Ah well, I’m over it.

Spider: The Secret of Bryce Manor (iTunes) is as great as all the reviews are saying it is. Buy it. BUY IT NOW!! The gameplay, the graphics, the story, the music the fact that you’re a fucking spider…it’s all there. It’s such a wonderful game that I seldom put it down. I was going to take a screenshot of the first level before writing this review but couldn’t stop. I went so far as to whatever the hell level you see in the pic. It’s that good. I can see this game blowing up in iTunes so don’t expect a price drop anytime soon. If you buy it and don’t appreciate it, you’re a complete idiot and I’m surprised you could read to the end of this sentence.

AppAttack :D

Your Brain on Crack

Alright, I just spent half of my Saturday writing a “review” (the one you read after this) and I need to go outside and play. The neighborhood kids are selling lemonade again and I feel it’s my utmost duty to drop one of Muffin’s notorious balls of hair in their pitcher of lemonade. It’s nothing personal. I’m trying to teach them a lesson that they need to go down on their prices. With the economy going to shit, a nickel is just too damn pricey for a glass of lemon juice and sugar.

Space Invaders Infinity Gene (iTunes) is just as good as the reviews say it is. I haven’t made it very far but I have a hard time putting it down once I start. I also don’t wanna post any pictures because the game does “evolve” as you play each new level, adding a little bit of excitement to the mix. Five dollars is a little pricey so if you wanna wait for a price drop, I understand. But if the temptation to spend money on just one more app looms over your shoulder, click that “Buy” button. It’s certainly worth it.

AppAttack :D

Text Messaging Is Destroying Our Children’s Vocabulary

I think that’s the longest title of a post I’ve ever written. But I stand by it…don’t believe me? Click here (shout out to my brutha!!! ;-) ). I’m not saying I have the best vocabulary. Hell, you can scroll through a handful of these posts and find plenty of grammatical errors, I’m sure. Maybe it’s hereditary? I’ve told you before how my niece Caroline is about as smart as a mouse turd. The other day I bought her some sidewalk chalk to keep her busy (if grandma gets too drunk I usually get stuck babysitting). She drew a HUGE picture on the driveway which, to the best of my knowledge, was me and her sharing an ice cream cone. And to the right of us she wrote the words, “Friends understand caring and kindness you often understand”. But my niece has a thing for the color blue. Not understanding the error of her ways, each word started with a big bold blue letter followed by dull green letters. It looked more like this:

Friends Understand Caring and Kindness You Often Understand”.

Needless to say, grandma was pretty angry when she sobered up.

Words With Friends (iTunes) is a free (or pay 99c for an ad-free version) Scrabble-like game for your iPhone that’s a lot of fun. It’s created by the same guys that did Chess With Friends which was a lot of fun too. You simply log in, create a word, and then wait for the other person to create their word. I haven’t finished my first game yet but I like it a lot. Check it out and if you wanna play me add “AppAttack” to your list. I SUCKED monkey balls at the chess game but I think I’m a fair contender to word games. See ya soon!!

AppAttack :D

Acne, Corporation

Here’s something to suck on…alright, that sounds gross. How about, here’s something to think about. Why do kids no longer have zits anymore? Next time you’re out in public, which may not be this evening but certainly tomorrow, look around when you’re at say, the mall and try to find a kid with horrible acne. I left my grandma’s van for the first time in two weeks yesterday to buy Muffins some catnip (he had a bad case of “the shakes” so I had to help him) and I didn’t see ONE kid with pimples and zits dominating their ugly faces. When I was a kid I had horrible acne. Women would puke upon seeing me and the elderly would be at my parent’s house late at night with pitchforks in hand, demanding I leave their peaceful town at once. It was tough growing up. I won’t even bother to tell you about P.E. class….let’s just say, I was mercilessly picked on and beaten up. And I’m only talking about what the coach did to me! WHY don’t kids have zits anymore?! It’s a damn conspiracy I tell ya.

Poppi (iTunes) is one helluva a great game for a dollar. The goal is to simply keep the balls from reaching the bottom of the screen by pressing your finger around. It’s very basic, yet somewhat relaxing and addictive as catnip. It also reminds me of the countless hours I spent popping the evil zits (whom spoke to me in my sleep) in front of my bathroom mirror.

AppAttack :D

Answer to Morla

Morla, a long time reader from North Dakota writes,

“Greetings Mr. AppAttack! I thought I’d send you an email letting you know that I really enjoy your website and that you’ve helped me make some great decisions when it comes to purchasing applications for my iPhone. You also seem to have great admiration for animals, as many of your posts deal with them. Do you love animals? I do. I have a pet turtle named Nancy. She’s the sweetest. I found her at the lake last summer and we’ve been BFF’s ever since. I have a question: The other day I was playing with Nancy and I realized that her and I have something in common. Her neck looks similar to my scrotum. I was excited to discover this similarity so I quickly showed her the comparison. She bit me. It hurts really bad but I’m too afraid to tell my my mom what happened. What should I do? Thanks again!


Morla Seshelswick

P.S: What do you think of the game Rolando 2: Quest for the Golden Orchid (iTunes).

Ok…I made up the above letter. No scrotum was bit. There’s not a turtle named Nancy and in fact, not one person from North Dakota has visited this site. Believe me, I have my sources. I don’t think turtles even live in North Dakota. I’ll have to look that up. Anyways, Rolando 2 is a really fun action and puzzle game. I loved the first one and was excited to see them come out with a sequel. Yes, it’s a little expensive but it’s truly a game…not a quick little distraction. Plus, I’m hoping the developers will continue to add levels via updates like they did with the first Rolando. I’ve spent a lot of time playing the game and really enjoy it. Get it.

AppAttack :D

Exit Only

I’m constantly claiming that I have A.D.D. If you’ve read a handful of my posts you know what I’m saying. “Yeah you fucking idiot dumbass goat cheese motherfucker. You haven’t written anything for a long time and your sister’s a whore” you yell at your monitor. Take it easy! Like I said, I have an attention deficit disorder…I can’t help it. I imagine it’s a mild case but then again, I don’t even know what I’m talking about.

Anyways, A.D.D lite (iTunes link) is a game that I greatly wish Apple would approve. It’s very similar to the Wario Ware games by Nintendo. It’s funny, shocking and addicting. If you haven’t given it a shot you’re an idiot…and your mother’s a whore.

AppAttack :D

Sissy Sally

Alright, I’m not going to talk a whole lot about this game. Many of you have come to believe that I’m one tough, crazy guy that all the women love. That I’m some big macho guy that kicks orphans in the face and pushes elderly women into aisles at the grocery store. A type of man where women, no matter what time or place, will immediately take their clothes off when I make an appearance. You’ve come to believe that and I want that image to stick. So when I mention Sally’s Spa (iTunes link) or encourage you to at least try Sally’s Spa Lite (iTunes link) you won’t think of me as some little sissy guy who cowers at the thought of having to punch someone or a cowardly type who doesn’t have the nuts to simply call a girl he’s interested in on the phone. That’s not me at all. I don’t do “sissy”. And I certainly don’t play addictive, time management games that are incredibly hard to put down once you start. And I sure as hell wouldn’t recommend you try such a game either.

AppAttack :D

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