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Archive for the ‘Games’ Category

Cat-apult

 

I awoke this morning to find an envelope glued to my windshield. Literally. Someone took the time to write a letter, stick it in an envelope, place glue on one side of it, and attach it to my windshield. No placing it behind my windshield wiper, no using a simple 1 inch square of Scotch tape, just glue. Plain old Elmer’s glue. The letter read:

 

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I’m a loner, Dottie.

Most people don’t know this about me but I’m a rebel. I’m crazy. I’m a wild man at a party you don’t wanna attend. When people tell me not to do something, I always do it. A mad man on the prowl, I’m fearless. When someone says, “Don’t walk on the grass”, I LAY in it. When people say “Don’t cross the street without looking both ways”, I cross the street blindfolded on my BARE HANDS. When someone says, “Don’t sit in that chair, the paint’s still wet” you’ll catch me walking down the street butt-naked covered in blue. If someone tells me, “Don’t stick your pinky in that elephant’s butthole” I’ll be picking peanut shells out of it’s teeth. I’ve always been a crazy kinda guy. It’s just who I am…it’s in my blood.

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See How My Garden Grows?

I noticed recently that Muffins’ litterbox is seldom full of cat feces. Every time I go to empty it nowadays, all I find are empty vodka bottles Grandma has left behind. Being a cat owner, I began to wonder if Muffins had some dietary disfunction or if Grandma was simply scaring him away from the litterbox by throwing her bottles at him (she’s afraid of cat farts…for some reason or another, she believes if you inhale a cat fart it takes 9 years out of your life).

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Fairy Floss

Joe “Fairy Floss” Deminius is our local neighborhood cotton candy maker. He has an awesome, pimped out cotton candy machine that he rolls around the neighborhood, giving the delicious sugary spun treat to all the boys and girls ($3). His wife left him about six years ago after doctors told her that her daily diet of cotton candy was incredibly unhealthy. They had a child together, Gumpster, but he rarely comes outside of Joe’s apartment. Gumpster unfortunately is constantly sticky. Playing games like duck, duck, goose or red rover (not to mention any card or board game) is a persistent challenge for the poor boy. I spoke to him one time after Muffins had climbed into his tree chasing a bird.

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Hood Rats

For the past two weeks I’ve been hanging out at our local school park jamming to my boombox,¬†singing along with whatever song happens to be on Radio Disney. Most the kids around me will stop playing Jacks or Hopscotch and start singing along with me or break out in crazy dance moves the likes of which, many haven’t seen. We all give each other¬†high fives, trade baseball cards, sip Kool-Aid and laugh about how Miss Folinger has a huge mole on her face that looks like Abraham Lincoln (for the record, I have never met Miss Folinger so if she is in fact reading this, I would like to extend my deepest apologies if these children are rude to you. I don’t encourage it and will try my best to teach them to be nice). Grandma likes me to be home around 5 o’clock because Happy Hour is just getting started and she likes to be first in line (although there is no “line”, it just makes her feel good). It’s around this time that I ask the kids if they wanna jam with me down the street. For the most part, they all join me and we make our way down Cheshire Avenue singing and bopping along. We all have such a great time. We laugh, throw rocks at pigeons and occasionally buy ice cream if the Ice Cream man’s truck happens to swing by. Why do all of this, you ask? Well, Grandma lives in one of the world’s most dangerous neighborhoods. People are getting robbed and shot here all the time. But the thing is, and this is a trick you can use yourself, people don’t rob/attack other’s when there’s kids around. Unless of course you’re the parents of Bruce Wayne, most would-be attackers will just leave you alone. It’s a fantastic trick I’d encourage anyone to use.

Soosiz (iTunes) is the closest the iPhone has come to a Mario-like game yet. Yes, claiming a game is like Mario can be considered blasphemy to some but, I’m being serious here. In the game Soosiz, you simply roam around a spinning world looking for lost children. Some children give you enhancements (speed, jump, etc) while others just follow you around like your cat does when it’s time for dinner. The developer of the game borrowed heavily in some ways from the Mario universe (see photo above) but it’s not to the point of copy/past blandness that most imitators give you. The game is packed with plenty of different worlds and levels along with boss battles that at times, can be difficult. It’s challenging but not “throw my iPhone at my sister’s head, rip every page of my library book, take a dump on my neighbor’s porch” kind of challenging. I’ve yet to come to the point of abandoning the game in frustration. If you want a good side scrolling game that is similar to Super Mario Bros I’d highly recommend you give Soosiz a spin.

AppAttack :D

Freaks, Geeks & Weirdos

I’ve long been a fan of circus sideshows. Not the circus, mind you, they treat their animals like shit and I don’t care at all for them (are they even still around?). I like “human oddities” simply because they’re incredibly unique in their own way, miles above what normal boring people are like. The book Mutants: On Genetic Variety and the Human Body was written by Armand Marie Leroi and is an incredibly well written, fascinating study of the different types of humans in this world and how they physically became who they are/were genetically. I couldn’t put the book down for very hours on end it’s that good. If you see a copy, grab it. Tod Browing’s Freaks (iTunes) is a film loosely based on how the public interprets people who are different. If you’re too lazy to read a book, check out this film. There’s one cast member (I can’t remember his name at the moment) who has no arms or legs and yet manages to light a cigarette. I always wonder how that man was treated outside of Hollywood. Anyways, both of these are worth checking out and I encourage you to do so.

See what I did just now? I took a topic in which I could have made a stupid joke or elaborated even further and created some messed up fictional story regarding my friends or family. But I didn’t. I’m like that new and horribly not funny gum commercial where everyone gets paid for their services in gum. I’ve got layers of flavor baby. Karnival (iTunes) is a game in which you travel the country (as a boy with a goat arm) and try to build up your karma, money, reputation and groupies. You’re given all the luxuries of a traveling carnival (food stands, amusement park rides, “freaks”..etc) and it’s your job entertain the townsfolk. I’m currently on my third city but from what hours I’ve spent playing the game, I love it. There’s a lot to learn and I haven’t quite yet figured it all out but spending time with the game is a pleasure. I hope with future updates you can zoom in even closer to see more animations (ex: the picture above is the bearded lady. It’d be awesome if she was moving around and doing crap although I don’t know how easy this would be to create). The asking price is a little high so if you’re short on cash, keep an eye out for any spontaneous price drop. It’s certainly worth looking into if you like these kinds of games.

AppAttack :D

Cold Case

What up homeslice?! Where ya at and how ya been?! That’s how I always answer my phone…even if it’s Grandma calling. She always giggles coyly and then proceeds to tell me how useless I am and that it’s my fault she’s outta vodka. It’s usually at this time that I simply turn around and pour her another drink. She always calls me back to apologize and tells me that she didn’t mean it. Again, I just turn around in my little chair and give her a pat on the head. Anyways, I’ve been out with a darn cold/flu/crap lately so I haven’t had just a whole lot of time to mess around with the App Store. I did in fact download Doom Classic (iTunes) because I have fond memories of it growing up. I would get home from school, slap on the ol’ Sega 32X and blast away at demonic entities to relieve all the stress that comes with Middle School. And it helped. The iPhone port is just as good. I highly recommend it. Today, however, I wanted to tell you about a product. I often get emails asking, “Hey what case do you have on your iPhone? PS: I made roast beef tonight so you better come join me. You can bring Muffins IF you bring vodka as well. Love ya!”. So to answer all of your questions, I use a Speck CandyShell case. It’s one solid chunk of kick ass plastic that covers almost the entire phone and has two gut wrenching layers of protection. It’s easy to take off for cleaning not to mention, it slides in and out of your pocket like honey dripping from a bee’s ass. I love it. If you’ve spent thousands of dollars on cases and are still not satisfied, wake your dumbass up and pick up a CandyShell…you’ll thank me.

AppAttack :D

Be a Dick

Yesterday afternoon as I sat in the kitchen, dying Muffins’ hair black and orange for the Halloween party Grandma is going to have this weekend, I realized that I’ve been playing the hell out of a game and didn’t even take a few minutes to tell you about it. As soon as I thought this, Grandma called me an asshole. Could she read my mind? Or did her alcohol induced Tourette’s syndrome happen to kick in at just the right moment. I still haven’t reached a conclusion. Now that I consider myself a 1st class detective I’ll look into it.

Nick Chase: A Detective Story (iTunes) is a wonderfully well made game in which you try to solve a series of puzzles. In the picture you see above, I’m trying to get into a gated area. That’s my character in the bottom right corner. The dots you see are spotlights I have to avoid. It’s the least flattering picture but the reason I show it to you is so that you can see how far along I’ve gotten in this game. I downloaded it yesterday morning and seldom put it down…it’s that good. I even played it last night while watching the UFC fights. Normally, I never look away from a good ol’ UFC fight (knockouts can happen any minute) but this game actually caused me to do so. The puzzles are diverse and can certainly be a challenge. At the same time, they’re also incredibly rewarding when you finish. I don’t know how long this game is but I hope I’m not even half way through. One other thing I like (and yes, at times it is annoying) is the soundtrack. It sounds like it was taken from some cheesy detective movie you’d see in the ’80′s. The drawings are well done, the music is fun and the puzzles are challenging. It’s on sale for a limited time so I highly recommend you pick this up for 99 cents. (Personally, this is one of those games that should stay steadfast in the $1.99 range). Get to work, dick!

AppAttack :D

*On a side note, I’m not too proud of a person to say that I looked for help online a few times. As a last resort, I’d recommend you check out this guy’s walkthrough just in case you get to a point where you wanna throw your iPhone at your sister’s head.

I’m Busy, Go AWAY!!!

Last weekend I taught Grandma how to make a telephone simply by using a string and two empty cans. She loved it. I’ve never seen her so tickled by something so simple and easy to make. We spent our entire breakfast eating cold oatmeal and discussing politics across the kitchen table. When I had to use the restroom midway through the The Price is Right, she laughed through her empty tin can that she was getting a bad reception on my part. After lunch we sat on the porch discussing how children (young boys in particular) aren’t as tough as they use to be while shooting at any that dared to ride by on their tricycle with BB guns. During her afternoon nap, I could hear her snoring through her little can as she mumbled something about waffles and ancient Roman art. After dinner (yes, we talked through our homemade cans about tornados and their effect on subculture groups) she asked me if I’d take her to the local bar and talk to her while waiting in the car. This, was where I drew a line. I told her that the phone lacks such capabilities and it would be useless knowing she’d be either passed out after three pitchers or in a random fight with someone who confused her to being a man. As I write this very sentence I see my end of the phone lying on the floor next to my Smurf house shoes. In a fit of rage, she cut the string in two and told me to go wash the dog (we don’t have one).

Chess Elite (iTunes) is a simple, addictive chess game that’s incredibly easy to pick up. Whether you’re a brilliant, strategic chess playing genius or just an idiot that has learned the game but never seem to improve at it (like me) then Chess Elite is definitely worth taking a look at. Like I previously mentioned, I’m not any good at the game of chess but I enjoy playing it. I’d like to be one of those guys that can think three to four steps ahead but I know this is only a dream (I’ve slipped on grandma’s empty vodka bottles one too many times). My one and only complaint about this game is that you’re constantly playing it. But dipshit, isn’t that a good thing? No, no it’s not. Those cute little “badges” that pop up on applications annoy me even though I like seeing them. It’s a little constant reminder that I have something that needs to be done while I’m trying to do something else. Alright, that’s actually not a bad thing. Maybe I’m just lazy? I have about ten games going on right now and I know that as soon as I make a move, whoever I’m playing will then make a move, forcing me to see a little “reminder” on my phone. I’m almost certain they think the same as me. If you enjoy chess and you enjoy not putting your phone down, I highly recommend this game. In fact, if you want to play chess with someone that’s not very good at it, challenge me. I’m, of course, “AppAttack”. See you on the wooden battlefield of death and destruction. Where children live in fear and horses march in despair at the beckoning of the evil Queen. All while the atrophied King sits alone in his paranoid chair of schizophrenia. Ok…that’s absolutely nothing like the game of chess but, whatever.

AppAttack :D

Learn Something From Everyone

In my day job of helping cross walkers cross the street, I meet a lot of interesting people. Today for example, I met a guy named Raymond. He was a retired vet who fought in Vietnam right before things got really bad. As we crossed the street he told me a story about how the General in charge of his camp (located here in the states) liked things nice and clean. One day, after everyone in his group cleaned their camp to the absolute best of their abilities, his friend Edward flicked a cigarette butt onto the ground. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time, the General happened to walk by and saw his littering ways. He demanded that he speak with Edward behind the tents. Ten to fifteen minutes later, Edward returned with two swollen eyes, a broken nose and a bruised face. He laughed about it to Raymond but from that day forward, he never littered again. Raymond chuckled the whole way across the street reliving his story. Is this funny? I don’t know. It’s just an actual true story that I heard today. I’ll make up some bullshit later…I promise.

Solitaire Siege (is currently unavailable for some reason in iTunes) is a clever little solitaire game in which you play the original card game but with a twist. You have to collect certain weapons to set fire to trees in your way or blow up brick walls keeping you from winning. If you guess wrong, the cards shoot at you causing you to lose a little of your health. If you lose it all, game over. The version I have does in fact contain many a bugs (maybe that’s why it’s unavailable?) but all in all, it’s a really fun and addictive game. I hope the developer throws it back on the shelf soon. I’ll keep an eye out for it because I’d like you to have as much fun as I’ve had playing it.

AppAttack :D

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