Flower

Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Extra! Extra!

A few days ago, Grandma was asked by her bridge party to create a monthly newsletter. Cheryl, the president of the bridge party, had asked that I keep an eye on what Grandma was writing about, and that I proofread her work. I gladly accepted the parental duties and secretly read what she had written in her notebook late at night, after she had gone to bed.

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Miss Universe 2009

Having your own website can be awesome at times. Because you can slowly start a cultural revolution by changing one person at a time? No. Because you can bring sunshine and rainbows to a sad person’s face? No. Stop asking questions and let me explain what I mean, dammit. Having your own website can allow other’s to hear your voice. Let me explain further…

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Mix & Match

If you were a fly on my sippy cup of hot chocolate Grandma just made me, you’d see all of my beautiful posters of hot female celebrities I’ve gathered rummaging through trash cans at the local 7 Eleven (behind Albert’s Shack off of Mulberry Avenue). I’d never pay for a magazine or poster, as you know my allowance is often not very much. The problem I have gathering all of these posters is that some celebrities get a little less attractive over time. So what do I do? I mix and match parts of their face and body that I think is more hotter than their usual self.  Luckily, “there’s an app for that”.

Dream Girl (iTunes) is an application that allows you to mix and match different facial features of a selected group of (hot) women. Don’t like this girl’s eyes? Flip your finger and she’s better looking that what her parent’s dealt her. Don’t like this girl’s haircut? Well…you may not like any of the other ones as well (their all really short and close to their heads). I created the above woman because she’s hot and I expect her to arrive at my van door any minute. I know she’s out there somewhere. The app itself is kinda fun to mess around with. What I enjoyed doing most, however, is rearranging the pieces to find out what each girl actually looked like (and not one of them is ugly. In fact, if you’re a model who posed for this app my number is (555)462-8718. Please don’t call after 8PM because Grandma will be passed out drunk. If woken, she makes me watch an hour long slideshow of her honeymoon in Paris and it’s awful….really, really awful).

AppAttack :D

The Silver Screen & All It’s Sad Goodbyes

Yeah I stole the title of this post from the song Careless Whispers by George Michael. You can call me a gay sissy flower pants, I don’t care. It’s probably one of my all time favorite songs and will remain that way until I say so. Such a cool song. The reason I bring it up is because in the song, George Michael (or G Mika-whadda-tat as I like to call him…I make up names for everyone I know. Their parents lacked creativity) sings “calls to mind the silver screen and all it’s sad goodbyes”. I have no clue what he means by that but it sounds awesome. As you know, I watch movies all the time. There’s nothing to do in this damn town besides feeding your neighbor’s dog Skittles in hopes that it shits rainbows (so far, no). So I watch movies all the time. I realized this afternoon that I haven’t told you about Flixster (iTunes).

It’s a fairly simple application that allows you to see what movies are playing in your local theater along with upcoming movies and dvds (or “Blu Rays” for those who have a job). Some of the movies also have a wide variety of pictures to thumb through. The above is take from District 9 which comes out Friday and I’m damn excited to see it. That is unless Gritchen shits a rainbow. Then we’ll have to throw a party at town hall and put the movie off until Saturday.

AppAttack :D

Hey Wassup?!

Hey Nathum, what’s going on?! How ya been?! I ran into your mom the other day at the grocery store. She said she was picking up some over the counter medicine for your penisifus infection (was she being cute or serious? What is penisifus?!). I hope that shit clears up soon man, sorry to hear about that. I said to myself, “DAMN Nathum’s mom is HOT!” and then I realized that’s your dad’s new girlfriend. So I must say, “DAMN Nathum’s stepmom is HOT!”. How many times do you “accidentally” walk in on her in the shower? Be honest, man, you can tell me. LOL! Speaking of hot, how’s your sister? Did she ever call it quits with Derek? I’m single BTW….let her know! Bro’s before Ho’s as they say. You ever run into Greg? I wonder how he’s doing? Rumor has it Greg is now Gina…isn’t that some crazy shit?!! Well, anyways, thanks for visiting my website. I appreciate the fact that you come here at least once a month. Call me some time and we’ll go grab some beers!! Peace out bro!!

Alright, to the best of my knowledge, more than one person checks out this site every now and then. The above paragraph is me being silly. Who would name their kid Nathum anyways?! To see how many people enjoy reading my little nuggets of chocolatey goodness I use Google Analytics. It’s pretty useful and at times, depressing. I told you not ONE person from North Dakota has been here, didn’t I? Google has an app that does the same thing called Google Analytics (iTunes) That isn’t the exact name of the app but I’m not going to type it all out for you. Just click on the link…it’s horribly long. If you have a website and use Google Analytics, the app works just as well. There’s also a free version to check out if you don’t have any money.

AppAttack :D

Ehh…why not?

 

Alright, I wasn’t going to write about SuicideGirls – Flip Strip (iTunes link) but now I feel the need to. It’s incredibly easy to make a large amount of jokes regarding this application. But instead of taking the low road, I thought I’d take the high one this time. Maybe someone reading this will gain a tiny ounce of confidence or feel somewhat better about themselves after I share with you my worldly wisdom that soon will be available for all to read at your local Barnes and Noble bookstore. (Yes, I’m being sarcastic. I do have a couple of ideas that would make a great book however, I just don’t wanna be one of “those people” at Starbucks).

 

Clothes on...

Clothes on...

 

 

Flip Strip is simple and explains everything in the description. Remember the pen Gramps brought home from his trip to Hawaii. It was a simply a woman in a bikini but when you held the pen upside down, her clothes went back on. (On a personal note, do they even make pens like that anymore? I need to find me one sometime). Anyways, this application works the same way. Right side up, the girls have clothes on; upside down, they’re in their undies.

 

 

Clothes off...

Clothes off...

 

So why even mention it? Because this app reminds me of strip clubs. And strip clubs remind me of women. And women remind of arrogant pricks. If you’re fresh out of a relationship, having been dumped because of reasons unknown or maybe you have your eye on a cute girl in one of your classes but you think she only likes the stuck up asshole types, you owe it to yourself to visit a strip club. Don’t get all dressed up as if you’re going on a date or trying to impress the ladies, go as yourself. When you get there, grab a beer and find a good table/booth where you can see the entire bar. Now sit back and pay attention to all the people around you. Notice the frustrated female bartender. Notice the bored-out-of-his-mind-I’m-going-to-kill-someone-soon bouncer. Notice the happy little DJ spinning in his own little booth, most likely zoned out on pot. Notice the girl(s) on stage with their discontented, “I’ve got better things to do, why am I here” look on her face. And finally, notice the tail wagging, I look so damn cool with my hat sideways, she must dig me because I went to the gym yesterday asshole desperately waiting to be acknowledged at the feet of the dancer. See that guy? THAT’S your competition. The arrogant prick that “all the ladies love” is spending his money and time at a strip club. The conceited douche at the gym that you think the ladies must adore…behind you at table #3. The guy that broke sweet Kelly’s heart because he cheated on her with Rachel? Probably in the bathroom trying to take a piss. I always forget to tell my friends to visit strip clubs when they get dumped. What better way to be reminded than to have it written here, on the web? You can learn a lot by visiting such a place and for some reason or other, I’d recommend it. I also would ask that you treat the women who work there with respect. It’s their job and they’re trying to make a living in a way not many of us would even think about. And one more thing before I go: if you really wanna piss off the asshole I previously mentioned, ask a girl to sit and chat with you. She won’t stay long because the manager will get upset but spend some time talking and getting to know her. Ask her personal questions, avoiding anything sexually related. You’ll be shocked to find out she’s actually human too?! ;)

Nosey Neighbor

 

I know for a fact that someone in Oakland, California got pulled over this morning and their car was searched by the police. I know for a fact that an elderly woman in Denver, Colorado had respiratory problems. And I know for a fact that someone in New Jersey fell and couldn’t make it to the door of her apartment this afternoon. You’re wondering why I know so much? How could I possibly know what’s going on in three different places when I live in only one? Am I superhuman? (To which you reply, “Not really Michael. I’m just reading this because I decided to checkout your site. I’m pretty bored this afternoon and wondering when the hell you’re going to get to the point”). I know. 

 

 

Say whaaat?!

Say whaaat?!

 

While brushing my teeth this morning, I decided to see what apps are popular in iTunes. I came across Emergency Radio (iTunes Link) and let’s just say, it took me close to two hours getting dressed today. With this application you can listen to a BUNCH of police/fire fighting/paramedic emergency frequencies. I somewhat feel bad eavesdropping but you can’t help but wonder what’s going on. I’m evening listening to it now as I type this. Of course, it’s not anything as exciting as the movies would have you believe. But it’s interesting none the less.

 

AppAttack :D  

Captain Morgan’s Parrot

 

In the winter of 1997 my grandmother stole a parakeet from our local exotic pet shop (next to Ted’s Laundromat off of Kaisley street). Her being allergic to anything with fur, I only had turtles and lizards during my late 20′s so a bird was a welcome change in our household.
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Lost

 

If you’ve been watching the news recently, you’ve learned about the tragic, yet fortunate, saga of Don Windlespoon. A leading professor at La Sierra University in Riverside California, Don was misfortunately shipwrecked on the abandoned island of Mockwallia, located 200 miles off the coast of Honolulu.
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Doll House

 

Now that I’m a young, hip bachelor, I have to say that the single life hasn’t been too bad so far. Sure, it’s a different pace of life than I’m use to but I can’t say I don’t like it. For example, here’s what an average day in my life looks like:

 

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