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Archive for the ‘App Attack’ Category

Hood Rats

For the past two weeks I’ve been hanging out at our local school park jamming to my boombox, singing along with whatever song happens to be on Radio Disney. Most the kids around me will stop playing Jacks or Hopscotch and start singing along with me or break out in crazy dance moves the likes of which, many haven’t seen. We all give each other high fives, trade baseball cards, sip Kool-Aid and laugh about how Miss Folinger has a huge mole on her face that looks like Abraham Lincoln (for the record, I have never met Miss Folinger so if she is in fact reading this, I would like to extend my deepest apologies if these children are rude to you. I don’t encourage it and will try my best to teach them to be nice). Grandma likes me to be home around 5 o’clock because Happy Hour is just getting started and she likes to be first in line (although there is no “line”, it just makes her feel good). It’s around this time that I ask the kids if they wanna jam with me down the street. For the most part, they all join me and we make our way down Cheshire Avenue singing and bopping along. We all have such a great time. We laugh, throw rocks at pigeons and occasionally buy ice cream if the Ice Cream man’s truck happens to swing by. Why do all of this, you ask? Well, Grandma lives in one of the world’s most dangerous neighborhoods. People are getting robbed and shot here all the time. But the thing is, and this is a trick you can use yourself, people don’t rob/attack other’s when there’s kids around. Unless of course you’re the parents of Bruce Wayne, most would-be attackers will just leave you alone. It’s a fantastic trick I’d encourage anyone to use.

Soosiz (iTunes) is the closest the iPhone has come to a Mario-like game yet. Yes, claiming a game is like Mario can be considered blasphemy to some but, I’m being serious here. In the game Soosiz, you simply roam around a spinning world looking for lost children. Some children give you enhancements (speed, jump, etc) while others just follow you around like your cat does when it’s time for dinner. The developer of the game borrowed heavily in some ways from the Mario universe (see photo above) but it’s not to the point of copy/past blandness that most imitators give you. The game is packed with plenty of different worlds and levels along with boss battles that at times, can be difficult. It’s challenging but not “throw my iPhone at my sister’s head, rip every page of my library book, take a dump on my neighbor’s porch” kind of challenging. I’ve yet to come to the point of abandoning the game in frustration. If you want a good side scrolling game that is similar to Super Mario Bros I’d highly recommend you give Soosiz a spin.

AppAttack :D

Freaks, Geeks & Weirdos

I’ve long been a fan of circus sideshows. Not the circus, mind you, they treat their animals like shit and I don’t care at all for them (are they even still around?). I like “human oddities” simply because they’re incredibly unique in their own way, miles above what normal boring people are like. The book Mutants: On Genetic Variety and the Human Body was written by Armand Marie Leroi and is an incredibly well written, fascinating study of the different types of humans in this world and how they physically became who they are/were genetically. I couldn’t put the book down for very hours on end it’s that good. If you see a copy, grab it. Tod Browing’s Freaks (iTunes) is a film loosely based on how the public interprets people who are different. If you’re too lazy to read a book, check out this film. There’s one cast member (I can’t remember his name at the moment) who has no arms or legs and yet manages to light a cigarette. I always wonder how that man was treated outside of Hollywood. Anyways, both of these are worth checking out and I encourage you to do so.

See what I did just now? I took a topic in which I could have made a stupid joke or elaborated even further and created some messed up fictional story regarding my friends or family. But I didn’t. I’m like that new and horribly not funny gum commercial where everyone gets paid for their services in gum. I’ve got layers of flavor baby. Karnival (iTunes) is a game in which you travel the country (as a boy with a goat arm) and try to build up your karma, money, reputation and groupies. You’re given all the luxuries of a traveling carnival (food stands, amusement park rides, “freaks”..etc) and it’s your job entertain the townsfolk. I’m currently on my third city but from what hours I’ve spent playing the game, I love it. There’s a lot to learn and I haven’t quite yet figured it all out but spending time with the game is a pleasure. I hope with future updates you can zoom in even closer to see more animations (ex: the picture above is the bearded lady. It’d be awesome if she was moving around and doing crap although I don’t know how easy this would be to create). The asking price is a little high so if you’re short on cash, keep an eye out for any spontaneous price drop. It’s certainly worth looking into if you like these kinds of games.

AppAttack :D

Cold Case

What up homeslice?! Where ya at and how ya been?! That’s how I always answer my phone…even if it’s Grandma calling. She always giggles coyly and then proceeds to tell me how useless I am and that it’s my fault she’s outta vodka. It’s usually at this time that I simply turn around and pour her another drink. She always calls me back to apologize and tells me that she didn’t mean it. Again, I just turn around in my little chair and give her a pat on the head. Anyways, I’ve been out with a darn cold/flu/crap lately so I haven’t had just a whole lot of time to mess around with the App Store. I did in fact download Doom Classic (iTunes) because I have fond memories of it growing up. I would get home from school, slap on the ol’ Sega 32X and blast away at demonic entities to relieve all the stress that comes with Middle School. And it helped. The iPhone port is just as good. I highly recommend it. Today, however, I wanted to tell you about a product. I often get emails asking, “Hey what case do you have on your iPhone? PS: I made roast beef tonight so you better come join me. You can bring Muffins IF you bring vodka as well. Love ya!”. So to answer all of your questions, I use a Speck CandyShell case. It’s one solid chunk of kick ass plastic that covers almost the entire phone and has two gut wrenching layers of protection. It’s easy to take off for cleaning not to mention, it slides in and out of your pocket like honey dripping from a bee’s ass. I love it. If you’ve spent thousands of dollars on cases and are still not satisfied, wake your dumbass up and pick up a CandyShell…you’ll thank me.

AppAttack :D

Be a Dick

Yesterday afternoon as I sat in the kitchen, dying Muffins’ hair black and orange for the Halloween party Grandma is going to have this weekend, I realized that I’ve been playing the hell out of a game and didn’t even take a few minutes to tell you about it. As soon as I thought this, Grandma called me an asshole. Could she read my mind? Or did her alcohol induced Tourette’s syndrome happen to kick in at just the right moment. I still haven’t reached a conclusion. Now that I consider myself a 1st class detective I’ll look into it.

Nick Chase: A Detective Story (iTunes) is a wonderfully well made game in which you try to solve a series of puzzles. In the picture you see above, I’m trying to get into a gated area. That’s my character in the bottom right corner. The dots you see are spotlights I have to avoid. It’s the least flattering picture but the reason I show it to you is so that you can see how far along I’ve gotten in this game. I downloaded it yesterday morning and seldom put it down…it’s that good. I even played it last night while watching the UFC fights. Normally, I never look away from a good ol’ UFC fight (knockouts can happen any minute) but this game actually caused me to do so. The puzzles are diverse and can certainly be a challenge. At the same time, they’re also incredibly rewarding when you finish. I don’t know how long this game is but I hope I’m not even half way through. One other thing I like (and yes, at times it is annoying) is the soundtrack. It sounds like it was taken from some cheesy detective movie you’d see in the ’80′s. The drawings are well done, the music is fun and the puzzles are challenging. It’s on sale for a limited time so I highly recommend you pick this up for 99 cents. (Personally, this is one of those games that should stay steadfast in the $1.99 range). Get to work, dick!

AppAttack :D

*On a side note, I’m not too proud of a person to say that I looked for help online a few times. As a last resort, I’d recommend you check out this guy’s walkthrough just in case you get to a point where you wanna throw your iPhone at your sister’s head.

Scream Real Loud

Today is Saturday. That is a fact. Back in the day when I lived indoors I would watch Saturday morning cartoons. Usually from 7AM until around 10AM at about what time all the good shows were done and the rest was just a bunch of crap that trickled into the afternoon news. It was almost as if the tv had it’s throat cut. All the good shows gushed out in the early morning and by noon, the tv was dead. Today’s cartoons suck (I don’t have a tv so I don’t know this to be a fact, but I did overhear some kids riding by on scooters claim that cartoons do in fact suck). I feel a little sorry for today’s parents. I don’t know what they do on weekends without the sweet siren of Saturday morning cartoons luring their children into a zombie-like state of distraction. I assume they just wake up early with the kids and sit around the living room discussing why television sucks on the weekends? Maybe they award their kids stickers or small toys if the child can come up with a conclusive answer to this riddle? I don’t know. I’m not even up before noon on Saturdays. The reason I’m talking about all of this shit is because early this morning for some reason or another (probably because Muffins farted in my face) I thought of Garfield. Once I started thinking of Garfield I started to remember that he use to have a Halloween special I haven’t seen in ages. Having detective skills like Humphrey Bogart, I quickly began researching the long forgotten cartoon and came upon this website:

Garfield Halloween Special (and MORE!)

BUT the real special part of all my hard work is that there are not only the Garfield Halloween show but several other Halloween shows as well! Look on the sidebar to the left and you’ll see what I’m talking about. For now I’m going to go heat up this pizza I found on the curb and sit back and wish I was young again. Enjoy!

AppAttack :D

I’m Busy, Go AWAY!!!

Last weekend I taught Grandma how to make a telephone simply by using a string and two empty cans. She loved it. I’ve never seen her so tickled by something so simple and easy to make. We spent our entire breakfast eating cold oatmeal and discussing politics across the kitchen table. When I had to use the restroom midway through the The Price is Right, she laughed through her empty tin can that she was getting a bad reception on my part. After lunch we sat on the porch discussing how children (young boys in particular) aren’t as tough as they use to be while shooting at any that dared to ride by on their tricycle with BB guns. During her afternoon nap, I could hear her snoring through her little can as she mumbled something about waffles and ancient Roman art. After dinner (yes, we talked through our homemade cans about tornados and their effect on subculture groups) she asked me if I’d take her to the local bar and talk to her while waiting in the car. This, was where I drew a line. I told her that the phone lacks such capabilities and it would be useless knowing she’d be either passed out after three pitchers or in a random fight with someone who confused her to being a man. As I write this very sentence I see my end of the phone lying on the floor next to my Smurf house shoes. In a fit of rage, she cut the string in two and told me to go wash the dog (we don’t have one).

Chess Elite (iTunes) is a simple, addictive chess game that’s incredibly easy to pick up. Whether you’re a brilliant, strategic chess playing genius or just an idiot that has learned the game but never seem to improve at it (like me) then Chess Elite is definitely worth taking a look at. Like I previously mentioned, I’m not any good at the game of chess but I enjoy playing it. I’d like to be one of those guys that can think three to four steps ahead but I know this is only a dream (I’ve slipped on grandma’s empty vodka bottles one too many times). My one and only complaint about this game is that you’re constantly playing it. But dipshit, isn’t that a good thing? No, no it’s not. Those cute little “badges” that pop up on applications annoy me even though I like seeing them. It’s a little constant reminder that I have something that needs to be done while I’m trying to do something else. Alright, that’s actually not a bad thing. Maybe I’m just lazy? I have about ten games going on right now and I know that as soon as I make a move, whoever I’m playing will then make a move, forcing me to see a little “reminder” on my phone. I’m almost certain they think the same as me. If you enjoy chess and you enjoy not putting your phone down, I highly recommend this game. In fact, if you want to play chess with someone that’s not very good at it, challenge me. I’m, of course, “AppAttack”. See you on the wooden battlefield of death and destruction. Where children live in fear and horses march in despair at the beckoning of the evil Queen. All while the atrophied King sits alone in his paranoid chair of schizophrenia. Ok…that’s absolutely nothing like the game of chess but, whatever.

AppAttack :D

Bahh, bahhh, ba, ba, ba, bahhh

If you couldn’t figure out the topic of this post, then you must be tone-deaf because it clearly is the song, “Monday, Monday” by The Mamas & The Papas (iTunes). Anyways, I forgive you for not having superior knowledge of music like yours truly. Speaking of tone-deaf here’s a hilarious video of two cats that a dear friend showed me this afternoon while I was waiting in line for my midmorning cotton candy fix:

Cat Betrayed Girlfriend

I think I did it right…I’m still trying to figure out how to use the internet so just click on the bastard if there’s no video. I’ll get back on the topic of applications soon…I just thought this may cheer ya up. I’m cool like that.

AppAttack :D

Mix & Match

If you were a fly on my sippy cup of hot chocolate Grandma just made me, you’d see all of my beautiful posters of hot female celebrities I’ve gathered rummaging through trash cans at the local 7 Eleven (behind Albert’s Shack off of Mulberry Avenue). I’d never pay for a magazine or poster, as you know my allowance is often not very much. The problem I have gathering all of these posters is that some celebrities get a little less attractive over time. So what do I do? I mix and match parts of their face and body that I think is more hotter than their usual self.  Luckily, “there’s an app for that”.

Dream Girl (iTunes) is an application that allows you to mix and match different facial features of a selected group of (hot) women. Don’t like this girl’s eyes? Flip your finger and she’s better looking that what her parent’s dealt her. Don’t like this girl’s haircut? Well…you may not like any of the other ones as well (their all really short and close to their heads). I created the above woman because she’s hot and I expect her to arrive at my van door any minute. I know she’s out there somewhere. The app itself is kinda fun to mess around with. What I enjoyed doing most, however, is rearranging the pieces to find out what each girl actually looked like (and not one of them is ugly. In fact, if you’re a model who posed for this app my number is (555)462-8718. Please don’t call after 8PM because Grandma will be passed out drunk. If woken, she makes me watch an hour long slideshow of her honeymoon in Paris and it’s awful….really, really awful).

AppAttack :D

Learn Something From Everyone

In my day job of helping cross walkers cross the street, I meet a lot of interesting people. Today for example, I met a guy named Raymond. He was a retired vet who fought in Vietnam right before things got really bad. As we crossed the street he told me a story about how the General in charge of his camp (located here in the states) liked things nice and clean. One day, after everyone in his group cleaned their camp to the absolute best of their abilities, his friend Edward flicked a cigarette butt onto the ground. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time, the General happened to walk by and saw his littering ways. He demanded that he speak with Edward behind the tents. Ten to fifteen minutes later, Edward returned with two swollen eyes, a broken nose and a bruised face. He laughed about it to Raymond but from that day forward, he never littered again. Raymond chuckled the whole way across the street reliving his story. Is this funny? I don’t know. It’s just an actual true story that I heard today. I’ll make up some bullshit later…I promise.

Solitaire Siege (is currently unavailable for some reason in iTunes) is a clever little solitaire game in which you play the original card game but with a twist. You have to collect certain weapons to set fire to trees in your way or blow up brick walls keeping you from winning. If you guess wrong, the cards shoot at you causing you to lose a little of your health. If you lose it all, game over. The version I have does in fact contain many a bugs (maybe that’s why it’s unavailable?) but all in all, it’s a really fun and addictive game. I hope the developer throws it back on the shelf soon. I’ll keep an eye out for it because I’d like you to have as much fun as I’ve had playing it.

AppAttack :D

Driving Miss Lazy

As you all know, Grandma drinks a lot so I’m most often a designated driver. She also can’t see over the steering wheel unless she’s sitting on 4 phone books so this also is a detriment. Grandma loves playing tricks on just about anyone that crosses her path. They’re not mean tricks mind you, but they’re somewhat evil tricks nonetheless. For example, Monday I had to pick her up from our local school playground. She was getting a little rough with the children playing there and it was my job to break it up. What’d she do? Well, she enjoys drinking about a liter of vodka while feeding the pigeons that haunt the location. About half way through the bottle she gets a little rowdy. I had received a phone call from a stranger who happened to grab Grandma’s cellphone that had fallen out of her pants. Apparently, she was cussing at any school children who wouldn’t challenge her on the teeter totter (the majority of children these days outweigh my grandmother and of course, she gets offended by this). When I had arrived at the playground, she had one child in a headlock and was kicking another child who was on the ground playing with his toys. A half hour later I had her in the backseat, tied down with two different sets of seat belts (she never goes quietly). As we drove off she asked that we go to the local church for her to pray for her evil ways. I obliged but, not knowing the area, asked that she give me directions. Having full faith in my dear sweet grandmother I listened to her every order. Twenty minutes later I started to believe that she had no clue where this church was. “Shut up and listen to me, you asshole” she yelled from the backseat. “I’m your grandmother…would I lie to you? Now keep going, were almost there”. By the time she asked me to make a right turn I knew exactly where we were headed. “Dammit all to hell” she growled from behind me. “I guess their parents have picked them all up” she quietly whispered under her breath. “Ah well, I’ll see those little bastards Monday I guess. Take me to the liquor store, I’m outta vodka again”.

MotionX GPS Drive (iTunes) is a GPS navigation app that I (thankfully) found this past weekend. Why do I say “thankfully”? Because I was about to blow close to (or even over) a hundred dollars had I not been thrifty. I’ve always wanted a GPS navigation kit in my car but I just don’t wanna spend a lot of money on one (nor would I ever use it as I seldom leave my grandmother’s van). For three bucks I thought I’d take the leap and pick this app up. Honestly, I’m pretty impressed by all it has to offer. You get 30 days free to try out the voice option, after that I think it’s only a few dollars or maybe twenty five for a whole year. (I’m too lazy to check after typing that bastard of a paragraph above…I hope you at least were slightly amused). One problem I have is that you literally have to put in the address you’re looking for. With copy & paste this is easily remedied but I wish there was an easier way. So far, it’s taken me to my friend’s house and my office with useful directions and I got to see myself as a little triangle (in which I pretend I’m driving a spaceship amongst boring vehicles. Easily amused…I know). For three dollars it may save you the heartache of spending a weeks worth of groceries on one app so I’d say check it out.

AppAttack :D

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