Most people don’t know this about me but I’m a rebel. I’m crazy. I’m a wild man at a party you don’t wanna attend. When people tell me not to do something, I always do it. A mad man on the prowl, I’m fearless. When someone says, “Don’t walk on the grass”, I LAY in it. When people say “Don’t cross the street without looking both ways”, I cross the street blindfolded on my BARE HANDS. When someone says, “Don’t sit in that chair, the paint’s still wet” you’ll catch me walking down the street butt-naked covered in blue. If someone tells me, “Don’t stick your pinky in that elephant’s butthole” I’ll be picking peanut shells out of it’s teeth. I’ve always been a crazy kinda guy. It’s just who I am…it’s in my blood.

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I noticed recently that Muffins’ litterbox is seldom full of cat feces. Every time I go to empty it nowadays, all I find are empty vodka bottles Grandma has left behind. Being a cat owner, I began to wonder if Muffins had some dietary disfunction or if Grandma was simply scaring him away from the litterbox by throwing her bottles at him (she’s afraid of cat farts…for some reason or another, she believes if you inhale a cat fart it takes 9 years out of your life).

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Joe “Fairy Floss” Deminius is our local neighborhood cotton candy maker. He has an awesome, pimped out cotton candy machine that he rolls around the neighborhood, giving the delicious sugary spun treat to all the boys and girls ($3). His wife left him about six years ago after doctors told her that her daily diet of cotton candy was incredibly unhealthy. They had a child together, Gumpster, but he rarely comes outside of Joe’s apartment. Gumpster unfortunately is constantly sticky. Playing games like duck, duck, goose or red rover (not to mention any card or board game) is a persistent challenge for the poor boy. I spoke to him one time after Muffins had climbed into his tree chasing a bird. “Get your shitty cat out of my tree!” he yelled from his window on the second floor. “I’m trying to…just give me a minute” I said, as I reached for Muffins’ tail. Gumpster began counting, “one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand…”. By the time he got to forty six one thousand his father Joe had arrived, strolling his cart home from a hard day of work. “Son, why are you counting out loud in front of an open window?” he asked Gumpster. “Because that dipshit won’t get his stupid cat out of our tree”, Gumpster answered, pointing his small pudgy finger in my direction. “Hello, Mr. Deminius”, I said bashfully, “my cat Muffins is in your tree “. “Well ain’t that a booger bear” Joe said with a smile. “Here, stand on my knee and I bet you can reach him” he said kneeling down. Standing on Joe’s knee proved to be the perfect height I needed in order to reach Muffins. With a swift motion, I grabbed Muffins by his collar and took him out of the tree. Muffins gently landed on the soft grass and then, like a burst of lightening, ran across the street into Mrs. Hearing’s maple tree. “Thanks for helping me get my cat Mr. Deminius” I said. “Anytime, my friend. Here, have some cotton candy”. The delicious sugary spun treat softly melted in my mouth. Joe began rolling his cotton candy machine up the apartment steps when I noticed something different about his cotton candy. “Joe!” I yelled, “wait up! There’s something different about your cotton candy”. Joe rolled his cotton candy machine back down the steps. “Well son, I was hoping you didn’t notice. A lot of the children are complaining but I just don’t know what to do about it. I tried changing the color to blue but that doesn’t seem to help”. As the second bite melted in my mouth I realized a tiny crunch. “Summertime is always the hardest on my business. I enjoy a good winter freeze”. Again, I noticed a peculiar crunch with each bite I took. “You see, in the winter there’s hardly any bugs out. Summertime, all the bugs come out. Sometimes, I think they personally hate cotton candy. Like it’s some kind of enemy or something”. Looking down into Joe’s cotton candy machine, I realized a multitude of different bugs had gotten stuck inside the bowl. Politely, I spit out the last bite I took and handed Joe’s cotton candy back to him. “You know what I would do if I were you?” I asked, removing a bug’s leg from my front teeth. “I would put a canopy above your cotton candy bowl so that bugs won’t fly into it”. “That’s damn good advice, my friend, damn good advice”, Joe said with a confident smile. Dumpster shut his bedroom window.

Impulse Soccer (iTunes) is a turn based soccer (football as it’s originally called but for some reason Americans don’t understand this) game. Before the match begins, you select where you want your soccer player to go. The object is to obviously get the soccer ball in the goal three times to win. Some of the soccer players themselves can fall into the goal creating a better opportunity for your team to win, as there are less players on the field. The game itself requires a bit of strategy and personally, I’m not very good at it. I’m writing to tell you not necessarily about the game, but more about the developer. He approached me via Twitter (follow him!!!) and asked if I would like to give his game a shot. I complied and seven years later, I’ve written a review. The number one reason I like this game is because of the developer. He politely encouraged me to give him any feedback that would help make the game better and was open to constructive criticism. Why? Because he enjoys making iPhone applications. It’s a passion he has much like many small time developers who sadly, have been overshadowed by larger companies that have the bigger teams, more money and greed to take your hard earned buck. When I first started this website most of the games/apps I reviewed were from the “little guy” passionate about the possibilities the iPhone had to offer. I miss those guys. Today, it seems all the larger companies are taking the spotlight away from smaller developers who are just as fervent, if not more so, of creating an application. It sucks but I hope they stay strong and stick with what they’re passionate about. In closing, I’ll share some “food for thought”. A friend of mine has a deep love of photography. Not digital photography, but true photography. When asked why he doesn’t sell his photographs and make some big money he answered, “If I got payed for it, I wouldn’t love it so much”.

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For the past two weeks I’ve been hanging out at our local school park jamming to my boombox, singing along with whatever song happens to be on Radio Disney. Most the kids around me will stop playing Jacks or Hopscotch and start singing along with me or break out in crazy dance moves the likes of which, many haven’t seen. We all give each other high fives, trade baseball cards, sip Kool-Aid and laugh about how Miss Folinger has a huge mole on her face that looks like Abraham Lincoln (for the record, I have never met Miss Folinger so if she is in fact reading this, I would like to extend my deepest apologies if these children are rude to you. I don’t encourage it and will try my best to teach them to be nice). Grandma likes me to be home around 5 o’clock because Happy Hour is just getting started and she likes to be first in line (although there is no “line”, it just makes her feel good). It’s around this time that I ask the kids if they wanna jam with me down the street. For the most part, they all join me and we make our way down Cheshire Avenue singing and bopping along. We all have such a great time. We laugh, throw rocks at pigeons and occasionally buy ice cream if the Ice Cream man’s truck happens to swing by. Why do all of this, you ask? Well, Grandma lives in one of the world’s most dangerous neighborhoods. People are getting robbed and shot here all the time. But the thing is, and this is a trick you can use yourself, people don’t rob/attack other’s when there’s kids around. Unless of course you’re the parents of Bruce Wayne, most would-be attackers will just leave you alone. It’s a fantastic trick I’d encourage anyone to use.

Soosiz (iTunes) is the closest the iPhone has come to a Mario-like game yet. Yes, claiming a game is like Mario can be considered blasphemy to some but, I’m being serious here. In the game Soosiz, you simply roam around a spinning world looking for lost children. Some children give you enhancements (speed, jump, etc) while others just follow you around like your cat does when it’s time for dinner. The developer of the game borrowed heavily in some ways from the Mario universe (see photo above) but it’s not to the point of copy/past blandness that most imitators give you. The game is packed with plenty of different worlds and levels along with boss battles that at times, can be difficult. It’s challenging but not “throw my iPhone at my sister’s head, rip every page of my library book, take a dump on my neighbor’s porch” kind of challenging. I’ve yet to come to the point of abandoning the game in frustration. If you want a good side scrolling game that is similar to Super Mario Bros I’d highly recommend you give Soosiz a spin.

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I’ve long been a fan of circus sideshows. Not the circus, mind you, they treat their animals like shit and I don’t care at all for them (are they even still around?). I like “human oddities” simply because they’re incredibly unique in their own way, miles above what normal boring people are like. The book Mutants: On Genetic Variety and the Human Body was written by Armand Marie Leroi and is an incredibly well written, fascinating study of the different types of humans in this world and how they physically became who they are/were genetically. I couldn’t put the book down for very hours on end it’s that good. If you see a copy, grab it. Tod Browing’s Freaks (iTunes) is a film loosely based on how the public interprets people who are different. If you’re too lazy to read a book, check out this film. There’s one cast member (I can’t remember his name at the moment) who has no arms or legs and yet manages to light a cigarette. I always wonder how that man was treated outside of Hollywood. Anyways, both of these are worth checking out and I encourage you to do so.

See what I did just now? I took a topic in which I could have made a stupid joke or elaborated even further and created some messed up fictional story regarding my friends or family. But I didn’t. I’m like that new and horribly not funny gum commercial where everyone gets paid for their services in gum. I’ve got layers of flavor baby. Karnival (iTunes) is a game in which you travel the country (as a boy with a goat arm) and try to build up your karma, money, reputation and groupies. You’re given all the luxuries of a traveling carnival (food stands, amusement park rides, “freaks”..etc) and it’s your job entertain the townsfolk. I’m currently on my third city but from what hours I’ve spent playing the game, I love it. There’s a lot to learn and I haven’t quite yet figured it all out but spending time with the game is a pleasure. I hope with future updates you can zoom in even closer to see more animations (ex: the picture above is the bearded lady. It’d be awesome if she was moving around and doing crap although I don’t know how easy this would be to create). The asking price is a little high so if you’re short on cash, keep an eye out for any spontaneous price drop. It’s certainly worth looking into if you like these kinds of games.

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What up homeslice?! Where ya at and how ya been?! That’s how I always answer my phone…even if it’s Grandma calling. She always giggles coyly and then proceeds to tell me how useless I am and that it’s my fault she’s outta vodka. It’s usually at this time that I simply turn around and pour her another drink. She always calls me back to apologize and tells me that she didn’t mean it. Again, I just turn around in my little chair and give her a pat on the head. Anyways, I’ve been out with a darn cold/flu/crap lately so I haven’t had just a whole lot of time to mess around with the App Store. I did in fact download Doom Classic (iTunes) because I have fond memories of it growing up. I would get home from school, slap on the ol’ Sega 32X and blast away at demonic entities to relieve all the stress that comes with Middle School. And it helped. The iPhone port is just as good. I highly recommend it. Today, however, I wanted to tell you about a product. I often get emails asking, “Hey what case do you have on your iPhone? PS: I made roast beef tonight so you better come join me. You can bring Muffins IF you bring vodka as well. Love ya!”. So to answer all of your questions, I use a Speck CandyShell case. It’s one solid chunk of kick ass plastic that covers almost the entire phone and has two gut wrenching layers of protection. It’s easy to take off for cleaning not to mention, it slides in and out of your pocket like honey dripping from a bee’s ass. I love it. If you’ve spent thousands of dollars on cases and are still not satisfied, wake your dumbass up and pick up a CandyShell…you’ll thank me.

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Yesterday afternoon as I sat in the kitchen, dying Muffins’ hair black and orange for the Halloween party Grandma is going to have this weekend, I realized that I’ve been playing the hell out of a game and didn’t even take a few minutes to tell you about it. As soon as I thought this, Grandma called me an asshole. Could she read my mind? Or did her alcohol induced Tourette’s syndrome happen to kick in at just the right moment. I still haven’t reached a conclusion. Now that I consider myself a 1st class detective I’ll look into it.

Nick Chase: A Detective Story (iTunes) is a wonderfully well made game in which you try to solve a series of puzzles. In the picture you see above, I’m trying to get into a gated area. That’s my character in the bottom right corner. The dots you see are spotlights I have to avoid. It’s the least flattering picture but the reason I show it to you is so that you can see how far along I’ve gotten in this game. I downloaded it yesterday morning and seldom put it down…it’s that good. I even played it last night while watching the UFC fights. Normally, I never look away from a good ol’ UFC fight (knockouts can happen any minute) but this game actually caused me to do so. The puzzles are diverse and can certainly be a challenge. At the same time, they’re also incredibly rewarding when you finish. I don’t know how long this game is but I hope I’m not even half way through. One other thing I like (and yes, at times it is annoying) is the soundtrack. It sounds like it was taken from some cheesy detective movie you’d see in the ’80’s. The drawings are well done, the music is fun and the puzzles are challenging. It’s on sale for a limited time so I highly recommend you pick this up for 99 cents. (Personally, this is one of those games that should stay steadfast in the $1.99 range). Get to work, dick!

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*On a side note, I’m not too proud of a person to say that I looked for help online a few times. As a last resort, I’d recommend you check out this guy’s walkthrough just in case you get to a point where you wanna throw your iPhone at your sister’s head.

Last weekend I taught Grandma how to make a telephone simply by using a string and two empty cans. She loved it. I’ve never seen her so tickled by something so simple and easy to make. We spent our entire breakfast eating cold oatmeal and discussing politics across the kitchen table. When I had to use the restroom midway through the The Price is Right, she laughed through her empty tin can that she was getting a bad reception on my part. After lunch we sat on the porch discussing how children (young boys in particular) aren’t as tough as they use to be while shooting at any that dared to ride by on their tricycle with BB guns. During her afternoon nap, I could hear her snoring through her little can as she mumbled something about waffles and ancient Roman art. After dinner (yes, we talked through our homemade cans about tornados and their effect on subculture groups) she asked me if I’d take her to the local bar and talk to her while waiting in the car. This, was where I drew a line. I told her that the phone lacks such capabilities and it would be useless knowing she’d be either passed out after three pitchers or in a random fight with someone who confused her to being a man. As I write this very sentence I see my end of the phone lying on the floor next to my Smurf house shoes. In a fit of rage, she cut the string in two and told me to go wash the dog (we don’t have one).

Chess Elite (iTunes) is a simple, addictive chess game that’s incredibly easy to pick up. Whether you’re a brilliant, strategic chess playing genius or just an idiot that has learned the game but never seem to improve at it (like me) then Chess Elite is definitely worth taking a look at. Like I previously mentioned, I’m not any good at the game of chess but I enjoy playing it. I’d like to be one of those guys that can think three to four steps ahead but I know this is only a dream (I’ve slipped on grandma’s empty vodka bottles one too many times). My one and only complaint about this game is that you’re constantly playing it. But dipshit, isn’t that a good thing? No, no it’s not. Those cute little “badges” that pop up on applications annoy me even though I like seeing them. It’s a little constant reminder that I have something that needs to be done while I’m trying to do something else. Alright, that’s actually not a bad thing. Maybe I’m just lazy? I have about ten games going on right now and I know that as soon as I make a move, whoever I’m playing will then make a move, forcing me to see a little “reminder” on my phone. I’m almost certain they think the same as me. If you enjoy chess and you enjoy not putting your phone down, I highly recommend this game. In fact, if you want to play chess with someone that’s not very good at it, challenge me. I’m, of course, “AppAttack”. See you on the wooden battlefield of death and destruction. Where children live in fear and horses march in despair at the beckoning of the evil Queen. All while the atrophied King sits alone in his paranoid chair of schizophrenia. Ok…that’s absolutely nothing like the game of chess but, whatever.

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In my day job of helping cross walkers cross the street, I meet a lot of interesting people. Today for example, I met a guy named Raymond. He was a retired vet who fought in Vietnam right before things got really bad. As we crossed the street he told me a story about how the General in charge of his camp (located here in the states) liked things nice and clean. One day, after everyone in his group cleaned their camp to the absolute best of their abilities, his friend Edward flicked a cigarette butt onto the ground. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time, the General happened to walk by and saw his littering ways. He demanded that he speak with Edward behind the tents. Ten to fifteen minutes later, Edward returned with two swollen eyes, a broken nose and a bruised face. He laughed about it to Raymond but from that day forward, he never littered again. Raymond chuckled the whole way across the street reliving his story. Is this funny? I don’t know. It’s just an actual true story that I heard today. I’ll make up some bullshit later…I promise.

Solitaire Siege (is currently unavailable for some reason in iTunes) is a clever little solitaire game in which you play the original card game but with a twist. You have to collect certain weapons to set fire to trees in your way or blow up brick walls keeping you from winning. If you guess wrong, the cards shoot at you causing you to lose a little of your health. If you lose it all, game over. The version I have does in fact contain many a bugs (maybe that’s why it’s unavailable?) but all in all, it’s a really fun and addictive game. I hope the developer throws it back on the shelf soon. I’ll keep an eye out for it because I’d like you to have as much fun as I’ve had playing it.

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One more story about Muffins and then I’ll change the subject. Or will I? Hell, I could talk nonstop about Muffins and you’d probably love it. For all I know you’re some crazy cat lady that only visits this site because I mention Muffins every now and then. You may sure as hell not even own an iPhone. Alright…I know, I know, I know. You found this website by accident and are actually shocked that you made it this far along reading this paragraph. Still there? Welcome! Now here’s my story…and it’s actually true (but you think all of these stories are true? Riiight ). Muffins is the first cat I’ve ever owned. I’ll save you my childhood melodramatics and simply say, we weren’t allowed anything with hair growing up. So, like anyone else, I was ecstatic to own a cat when grandma said I could keep him. Cats are amazing creatures. They’re completely aware of their surroundings almost at all times. A fun game I’ve been playing since Muffins was a tiny kitten is to actually sneak up on him. What’s the score? Zero to 546. I have yet to properly scare the bejesus out of Muffins but I try almost every day. Just ONE time, I’d absolutely love to make him jump a mile in the air. He’d most likely just turn around, jump on my face and claw my eyes out of their sockets (because he can) so it’s probably best I haven’t won yet.

Silent Swords (iTunes) is a game I keep kicking myself in the nutz for not telling you about. I’ve had it on my Touch since probably the day it came out. You’re simply a little round headed ninja that has to kill a handful of guards to open a door and advance to the next level. Sounds easy, right? I’ve been stuck on the above level (see picture) for quite some time. I know what to do, I just can’t do it. I’m one of those kinds of players that gives up fairly easily, crying to my grandma until she soothes me with her “magic water” (I know it’s not magical water…it’s vodka. But hell, it’s a free shot and it makes me feel better about being such a pathetic gamer). Silent Swords ramps up in difficulty rather quickly and the controls do take some getting use to but I love stealth games. It’s a little like being Sam Fisher with a sword (for all my nerdy game players in the house. Hollaaa!!).

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