If you haven’t already picked the South By Southwest (SXSW) sampler in iTunes yet, do so NOW (iTunes link). I don’t know how long it will be FREE so jump on it! I haven’t come across one crappy song yet (highlights being “Post Break-up Sex” by The Vaccines and “Another Like You” by Hayes Caril. I also really like “Mirrorage” by Glasser). It’s a huge mix of different styles, similar I assume to listening to the radio nowadays (I can’t remember the last time I actually sat and listened to a radio station. Do they even make those anymore?). So go give it a spin and thank me later.
I awoke this morning to find an envelope glued to my windshield. Literally. Someone took the time to write a letter, stick it in an envelope, place glue on one side of it, and attach it to my windshield. No placing it behind my windshield wiper, no using a simple 1 inch square of Scotch tape, just glue. Plain old Elmer’s glue. The letter read:
A few days ago, Grandma was asked by her bridge party to create a monthly newsletter. Cheryl, the president of the bridge party, had asked that I keep an eye on what Grandma was writing about, and that I proofread her work. I gladly accepted the parental duties and secretly read what she had written in her notebook late at night, after she had gone to bed.
Most people don’t know this about me but I’m a rebel. I’m crazy. I’m a wild man at a party you don’t wanna attend. When people tell me not to do something, I always do it. A mad man on the prowl, I’m fearless. When someone says, “Don’t walk on the grass”, I LAY in it. When people say “Don’t cross the street without looking both ways”, I cross the street blindfolded on my BARE HANDS. When someone says, “Don’t sit in that chair, the paint’s still wet” you’ll catch me walking down the street butt-naked covered in blue. If someone tells me, “Don’t stick your pinky in that elephant’s butthole” I’ll be picking peanut shells out of it’s teeth. I’ve always been a crazy kinda guy. It’s just who I am…it’s in my blood.
I noticed recently that Muffins’ litterbox is seldom full of cat feces. Every time I go to empty it nowadays, all I find are empty vodka bottles Grandma has left behind. Being a cat owner, I began to wonder if Muffins had some dietary disfunction or if Grandma was simply scaring him away from the litterbox by throwing her bottles at him (she’s afraid of cat farts…for some reason or another, she believes if you inhale a cat fart it takes 9 years out of your life).
Joe “Fairy Floss” Deminius is our local neighborhood cotton candy maker. He has an awesome, pimped out cotton candy machine that he rolls around the neighborhood, giving the delicious sugary spun treat to all the boys and girls ($3). His wife left him about six years ago after doctors told her that her daily diet of cotton candy was incredibly unhealthy. They had a child together, Gumpster, but he rarely comes outside of Joe’s apartment. Gumpster unfortunately is constantly sticky. Playing games like duck, duck, goose or red rover (not to mention any card or board game) is a persistent challenge for the poor boy. I spoke to him one time after Muffins had climbed into his tree chasing a bird.
Without sounding like your average 8 year old child, screaming and crying after being denied a piece of candy at your local grocery store (kids are pussies these days), I won’t throw a bitch-fit here in explaining why I haven’t updated my site for so long. I will however, say that I got burned out. Burned out at what? Fondling yourself on someone’s front doorstep while ringing their doorbell incessantly only to run away when they answer? No, are you kidding me?! That NEVER gets old. I got burned out on apps. When you run a significant life affirming website like this, you receive hundreds if not thousands of emails a day, asking you to review their iPhone application (OK, maybe not that many). Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take any promo codes you wanna give me. What I got tired of was the “bribes” of putting a certain bias towards applications/games that just weren’t that good. Not all developers take the low road but some do and it made me think differently of all the websites I visit to learn about apps I would like to purchase. Say whaaat? You mean to tell me you read other reviews besides your own to find out if an app is worth buying? Sadly, I do. I know this website is the #1 most popular iPhone app related website in the entire world and that some have even left their alcoholic, drug induced, prostitute loving lifestyle behind after visiting here only once but yes, there are other websites regarding iPhone applications. So, without complaining anymore (and because I need to go clean up the spaghetti I left in Grandma’s pillowcase) know that any application I approve of here is from the heart and not because someone told me to like it. That’s why I started this website in the first place.
Having your own website can be awesome at times. Because you can slowly start a cultural revolution by changing one person at a time? No. Because you can bring sunshine and rainbows to a sad person’s face? No. Stop asking questions and let me explain what I mean, dammit. Having your own website can allow other’s to hear your voice. Let me explain further…
If you visit this site often, looking forward to riotous laughter each and every day, then I apologize. Lately, there hasn’t been anything worth writing about. Well, the last couple of days there seems to be more and more apps coming out so I’m not completely being honest. What I’d like to say is that I know what it’s like when you check on a website to see if anything new has come about, only to be disappointed when the dumbass website owner hasn’t done shit. Bare with me. I have a pretty nice article I’m working on that I hope to have out by this weekend. What that means is that if I were you, I would come back tomorrow. Go ahead and spend today digging around your other favorite websites. See? What other website tells you that there won’t be anything new for a little while? That’s iPhoneAppAttack for ya…leading the World Wide Web in new and revolutionary ways. Just watch…other websites will take my lead.